-Time to get to “Bachelor” stuff. I gave a lot of thoughts on the 3 hr premiere on Twitter last night, and to boil it down, it was all unnecessary. Like, if this was season 40, or season 50, or some important season, I can see them throwing a self-congratulatory party. But it’s season 37. There’s nothing that makes this season any different than ones before it. What was the point of having 3 different watch parties in three different cities hosted by alumni, where mic work was questionable, fans did nothing but scream every time we saw them, two proposals from people that the audience isn’t invested in, etc. The list goes on and on and on. I mean, the “Bachelor” show itself seemed to take a backseat to the live parties that were going on, and is that really what you want when you’re kicking off a new season. I get they want to get people excited, but unfortunately, it seems that they did it at the expense of their own show.
-My guess is they never do that again. Look, you’ve got a strong fan base already. You wouldn’t be on the air 16 years and 37 seasons if you didn’t. Don’t screw with them. People just want to see their 2 hr premiere like normal and not all this hullabaloo with bells and whistles of parties in different cities. Go look at the social media response. Yes, I get that most people use social media to bitch, but it was like 98% negative. If you were to do a 3 hr premiere because you were going to show more footage from night one, that’d make sense. But they didn’t. As I told you after I watched the first episode, the running time on episode 1 was exactly like every season before it. But because they had a 3 hour block, they had to fill with so many other things and it just dragged. Like Chris Soules premiere made more sense, because you had a 1 hr “red carpet” pre-party where you talked to and interviewed alumni, but then once the second hour started, they just aired the 2 hr show. I actually thought that’s what last night was gonna be until it started, then I was like, “Oh no. They’re really going to spread a 2 hr show out over 3 hours. Not good.” People are used to routines, and when you mess with it, they voice their displeasure. Oh well. At least next week we can get back to normal. But yeah, those were my thoughts on that disaster last night.
-The intro videos start and we didn’t learn a whole hell of a lot. Didn’t have any female Whaboom’s in there. You got your beach women, pageant women, the dentist, etc. The only thing different about this year’s intro videos is it’s the first one in a while I can remember that everyone who got one lasted at least 5 episodes. Usually there’s one or two who get intro videos that get eliminated the first night, then a few who last halfway through, then always a couple who get to the final four. Only one of Colton’s final four got an intro video in Cassie and, well, she’s going to gracing our TV and computer screens these next couple months isn’t she as her “Young Once” season 2 show starts next month. How many Caelan/Caelynn’s does this woman have in her life anyway? And who’s more important to her right now? Inquiring minds wanna know.
-Ahhhh, nothing like giving us the intro to our new “Bachelor.” Showering, working out, pondering life as we know it as he sits atop Red Rock Theater in Colorado thinking to himself, “Exactly how the hell did they pick me over Blake and Jason?” Well, some of us know why, but pretend like you don’t. Looks great for television. Usually Chris Harrison talks with the lead when he gets out of the limo, but Chris’ talk came early with Colton as we see them at the mansion bro’ing out and shooting the sh*t. I’m glad Chris brought up the “controversial choice” and Colton admitted to reading the negativity surrounding his announcement. Well of course he did. You do realize Colton is obsessed with being the “Bachelor” right? And the dude wants to know every single thing everyone is saying about him every minute of the day. Most of these contestants have Google Alerts on themselves, but I’m guessing Colton probably has every notification known to mankind turned on in his phone so he can view anytime anyone says anything. Seems real healthy.
-I would bring up the virgin talk, but we’re barely 10 minutes in and I’m over it. It’ll be a running joke tonight, but according to Chris Harrison, they won’t beat it with a drum all season. Lets hold Chris to that this season among other things (see episode 4’s 1-on-1 with Caelynn in Singapore). Time for our limo entrances, time to recap the ones that stood out. You know, you could technically say “limo exits” and it’d still make sense. Is that weird? Am I weird? How can calling them limo entrances and limo exits both kinda be right when “entrance” and “exit” are complete opposites? Or have I completely lost my mind and one is definitely right and the other shouldn’t be used? This has had me baffled for years. I think for the longest time I called them limo exits. Then at some point out of thin air I started calling them limo entrances and my mind is blown. Bear with me. It’s a loooong season. Anywho…
Demi: Paulie’s little fling is out first. She hasn’t dated a virgin since she was 12. Ummm, ok. I’m totally baffled by this statement, but now I don’t care as much as I can’t wait to hear Paulie lie to me about how their relationship came to be. Oh, I’m sure he’ll tell me it’s strictly platonic. And I’m sure I won’t believe a word of it.
Tayshia: My favorite part was her saying, “I don’t know much about you…,” which should tell you all you should know about how they cast this show and how they are not casting the 30 most qualified, eligible matches for the lead. They cast who they think will either go far or make good TV, and that’s it.
Nicole: She tells Colton half of her heart is in Havana and half is with him. And now I’ve got the Camila Cabello song in my head and so do you so enjoy the rest of your day singing “Havana ooohhh na na”
Caelynn: You know, if she didn’t wear her sash, I’m guessing we wouldn’t have a clue she’s a pageant girl. Probably will only come up 398 times this season.
Sydney: She quit her job to come on the show and that job was as a NY Knick dancer. Considering the Knicks suck ass and NBA dancers get paid peanuts for a sh*t ton of work, probably the right career move for her.
Caitlin: We’ve got a virgin reference as she pops a cherry balloon even though Colton thinks it’s an apple. I wonder which Bachelor alum slid into Caitlin’s DM’s after last night? Or before it.
Kate: Pulled a card out of a deck and took his V card. In a technical sense, yes. But in a practical sense, that would actually consist of someone letting him…forget it.
Alex D.: Sloth girl. Maybe they knew they didn’t have a ton of footage from the first night so they told this one to play puppet and draaaaaaaaag evvvvverything ooooooooouuuuuutttt til we all wanted to punch ourselves in the face repeatedly. Just a dumb gimmick that I can’t believe she went along with. Zero points for you Slothy.
Erika: You know what I’ve noticed more of in recent seasons? Them allowing contestants to reveal their last names at some point during filming. We find out hers is Mcnutt, she gives him a bag of nuts, and the jokes begin flowing like cheap wine at a watch party in the first hour.
Hannah B.: Bama girl. Roll Tide. Well, not after last night. It’s ok. Let other people win it once in a while.
Tracy: She’s the fashion police tonight arriving in a cop car. Too bad the internet police already busted her ass before the season even started. That was only a few of them. There were around 40 if I remember correctly.
Alex B.: She was sick so she had her intro written on cue cards. I don’t remember what it said, nor did I care, but were there any germophobes among the group of 30? Had to be right? I wonder if they Purell’d Alex so she wouldn’t pass it on to anyone.
Bri: Went with the Australian accent to catch Colton’s eye and then never continued with it, or we barely saw her the rest of the night. Not sure what the point of that was. If you’re gonna pull that, you might as well carry that into at least episode 2 or 3 honey.
Hannah G.: Brings a box of his favorite underwear that’s empty because he said on Paradise he doesn’t wear any and it reminds me that he said that while with Tia, and that reminded me what a sh*t show and ridiculous relationship that was and made me want to drop kick my television anytime I saw them, and Tia has a new boyfriend so she won’t be Bachelorette unless they break up before March and well…that was long. But yeah, I’m so glad Colton and Tia are a thing of the past.
Catherine: Gives her dog Lucy to Colton so she can hurry up, get inside, and start doing whatever producers tell her. That’s a big role to play on night one. Pinocchio has a long night ahead of her.
Erin: Arrives in a horse drawn carriage, is Cinderella, leaves her shoe, and she couldn’t have been more off that Colton is her Prince Charming. Well, except his head is as big as a pumpkin so maybe she’s on to something.