-We get a glimpse of all the girls back at the mansion as the next date card arrives, and we learn something about Danielle L. that we may not have known before. She’s a math whiz. “If your name is not on the group date, you’re going on the 2-on-1.” Wait, did she figure that one out all by herself? Like, without using her fingers to count and everything. Damn, I’m impressed woman. And whaddya’ know, the group date card is read, Corinne and Taylor aren’t on it, and Danielle immediately earns her PhD in Mathematics. So the girls head to the Houmas House in New Orleans, some made up place where there’s supposedly ghosts and the like. Nick asks the women when they arrive, “Who believes in ghosts?” I think almost all of them raised their hand. Especially Whitney since has been one for 5 episodes this season. And then she started floating away and singing a cartoon theme song. It was quite bizarre.
-When they get in the house, some guy plucked out of the local New Orleans acting troupe to play a fake bartender gives all the ladies mint juleps, and tells them the story of Mae of the ghost that allegedly haunts the house. While all of us viewing realize this is complete BS, the whole story is made up, and Mae is probably just the name of one of the producers’ grandmas, the girls are acting like they buy it. Mr. Bartender Bad Acting Guy says the house has been around since 1828, and be careful, because the walls might talk. Probably not, moron. If the walls could talk, they’d probably be saying, “What the hell kind of sleep over is this? Who made up this stupid ghost story and why are people even buying it? Is this for real? Like, for real for real? Can the owners of this house get a refund for this garbage?” You know, something like that.
-Time to bring out the Ouija board. Because nothing is more real in a haunted house than a Ouija board. Ok, I’ll admit that I’ve never used a Ouija board. Not out of fear or anything, but because I choose to live my life in reality. I’ve seen it enough on TV to know that you ask the board a question, place your hands on that little dial thingy, and supposedly some spirits lead your hands to what the answer is? Huh? That would constitute that once it lands on an answer, that you are physically unable to move your hands off of the dial thingy because it’s stuck, or else it’ll just float over every answer and…forget it. I think I have a brain cramp now due to this stupidity. How about Mae appears and makes the whole Taylor/Corinne storyline disappear? Whaddya’ say, Mae? Can you do that for us? Or are you not proficient in storyboarding silly reality TV shows?
-Nick, Raven, and Whitney are sent off to find the ghost of Mae because, well, they were told to. Or Mae’s doll. Hell, I don’t remember. If anyone can write a book report on the whole fake Mae story and turn it in by tomorrow, that’d be great. While they are searching for Mae, producers ratchet up the scary and start turning light switches on and off, make sh** fall, and pipe in audio to make the place sound haunted. Yes, this really happened. And the girls screamed at the top of their lungs. I would recap all that nonsense that happens, but I feel like if you watched last night, you saw its ridiculousness, and there’s really no need for me to tell you how it went for all those involved. It went horribly, it was bad acting all around, and producers should get an F for thinking anyone buys their fake stories. Then again, plenty of people are buying the fact that this show is about love and finding a spouse, so I guess they think they can get away with it. That’s what I’m here for people. Just doing my job.
-They never even focused on the most important part of this group date, in that it was a sleepover. Reality Steve: 4, Show: 0. I want to know more about this. Did they put each other’s bra’s in the freezer? Did they do chants of “We must, we must, we must increase our busts?” Well, you know, for those that already don’t have implants that is. I’m not the least bit concerned about if they were frightened by ghosts or ghost stories that were all made up. Lets see what these women talked about once the lights went off and sh** started getting real. I mean, did Jaimi maybe sneak over into one of the other girls sleeping bag and try to hook up? Did Vanessa start poking at a Danielle L. voodoo doll? Did Whitney actually play the role of one of the ghosts since that’s basically what she’s been for the first five episodes? Did Raven bash anyone over the head with a stiletto just for sh**s and giggles? C’mon. Show us the good stuff. This was lame.
-Nick goes outside with Danielle L. who tells him she can see herself falling in love with him, which Nick had exactly zero reaction to that was worth a damn. Danielle should’ve known right then and there that her time on this show wasn’t lasting much longer after that. But Nick does leave her with this very kind hearted message, “Absence makes the heart grow stronger.” It’s “fonder” dumbass. Just send her home now so you don’t prolong the agony. He then sits and chats with Danielle M. because earlier, Kristina “guessed” that she thinks Nick will give the group date rose to someone who’s unsure of her standing and who had an “early” date. Well, considering 1-on-1 dates don’t start til episode 2, we’re in episode 5 so episode 4 would be out, and there were only two 1-on-1 dates in episodes 2 & 3 (Danielle M. and Vanessa), that isn’t leaving many options. If Nick’s chemistry with Rachel is explosive, his chemistry with Danielle M. is whatever the opposite of explosive is. Flaccid? But they make out, he plays itsy-bitsy-spider up her arm, which he also did with Rachel’s neck on their date, which officially makes him weird. These aren’t 6 year old children. They’re your potential future ex-fiance’s.
-We saw Nick’s time with Raven as well and she admitted something pretty powerful. “The moment I fell in love with you was when you sang the Little Mermaids song when we were roller skating.” Huh? They never showed us thing. The only song we heard playing during the roller skating date was “Kiss Me.” Gee thanks a lot for leaving this part out. Gotta love it when a contestant brings up something that happened on the show that the editors previously left out. Now, if they only would’ve brought up what Vanessa told Nick at the Wisconsin group date after party about Danielle L. being fake, maybe this show could become a tad more real. But alas, that ain’t happening. But now we know that Raven has fallen in love with Nick because he sings Little Mermaid songs. Now all of us can collectively throw up in our mouths together, 1…2…3!!!! Danielle M. ended up getting the group date rose because, ummmm, someone had to.
