Reality Steve

The Bachelorette 13 - Rachel

The “Bachelorette” Rachel Episode 1 Recap, Including Major Podcast Announcement, & “Paradise” News

Photo Credit: ABC

Next we had our 31 limo entrances. Some were memorable, some were not. Here were the ones that stuck out to me:

Josiah: Did you know that “See ya later, litigator” is basically dirty talk for attorneys?
Bryan: I’ve had 5 people (some in the franchise, some not) already either tell me or text me how hot they think he is.
Rob: “Who?” Exactly. I can’t tell you what he did or said, but just know there’s a Rob this season. Was a Rob this season. I stand corrected.
Will: He went with the Urkel outfit then changed back in the limo like Superman. For those who inevitably ask every season how the lead remembers all the names on night one, look no further than the Will edit changing in the limo for your answer.
Brady: Brady is a simple man. Giant sledgehammer. Block of ice. He’s breaking the ice. Thank you for letting us know Brady. We couldn’t possibly figure that out on our own.
Dean: He’s thrilled that Rachel doesn’t find him racist.
Blake E.: After talking much to much about his penis in his intro video, then arriving with a marching band, pretty much convinced he’s definitely overcompensating for something.
Fred: I’m fine with Fred acting out a 3rd grade crush 15 years later. What I want to know is if he was the kid who put glue on his hands to peel it off?
Jonathan: The thing you didn’t see is after he tickled Rachel, he drove off in his white van filled with candy.
Adam: I think his shtick would’ve been better if he was a ventriloquist. But just carrying around a dummy? I don’t get it.
Matt: Went with the ever-so-creative penguin suit. You’d think he would’ve taken it off at some point, but committed to it. So when he’s in Paradise, you think he and Alexis will bond over wearing ridiculous costumes the first night?
Whaboom: That’s all you need to know. Megaphone, tank top with his catchphrase, and a complete spaz.

-Once inside the mansion, the battle for Rachel’s time begins. Josiah gets her first to share his story with her and she seems taken to him. All I ask is that Josiah doesn’t turn out to be like most of these dbags on the show. Please, at least let me just pretend you present yourself like you did on TV. Pretty impressive backstory. I just don’t want it tarnished by hearing he’s sliding into every girl from Nick’s season DM, or, trolling everywhere on the internet for skirt. Or moving in with Jef Holm. Stay away from those three things Josiah, and I think you’ll be fine.

-Dean gets some time with her and because he likes the beach, he wants to build sandcastles for her. How cute. The only problem is, Dean is maybe 3 years removed from making sandcastles in school, so that one hits a little too close to home. We know that any guy who finishes in top 4 is a strong candidate to be the next “Bachelor,” as basically only two have ever finished out of the top 4 (Jake and Juan Pablo). With that said, I’m pretty confident you won’t be seeing Dean as the next “Bachelor.” Mainly because he will most certainly be on Paradise, and I don’t see him being cast on three consecutive shows. Yes, I’m aware Nick was on Paradise then became the “Bachelor,” but he wasn’t on JoJo’s season before that. Not to mention, Nick had a much longer history with the show. Just keep that in mind when assessing your “Bachelor” candidates.

-Adam carrying AJ around the house was somewhat creepy, yet, somewhat funny. Putting him in the background of other people’s conversations, giving him an ITM, having Rachel have a sit down with him, I mean, I thought it was pretty funny. The doll itself looked like it was put together by an 8 year old in art class, but hey, what’d you expect? I was just hoping for maybe a repeat of the movie “Mannequin” and AJ would come to life, he and Rachel would redesign retail stores late at night, and they’d live happily ever after. Until making a horrible sequel that no one saw and they couldn’t even bring back the original cast. What a disappointment. Damn you Andrew McCarthy and Kim Cattrall. I hate you for life.

-Fred gets his time with her, and already she’s not having it by addressing him as “Frederick.” You know, the name she called him by 15 years ago. Yeah, that’s never a good sign. She tells us she can’t get past the fact she disciplined him as a 3rd grader, which is basically a translation for “You make me lose my lady boner, Frederick. Awwwww hell no this ain’t happening.” But Frederick keeps chugging along thinking he’s gonna get some of that. I feel bad for the guy. Especially when his time on this show ends veeeerrrrrry shortly. I applaud the guy for the effort. You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take. Only problem is this shot never really had a chance of going in. He didn’t have a front tooth gap, so I guess that means he couldn’t get with Rachel. Womp woooooomp.

-Bryan now has his alone time and he ain’t gonna waste it. Tells her he’s a 37 year old chiropractor physician that’s good with his hands. Pretty much made Rachel putty in his hands, and he goes in for the kill by swallowing her whole face. Did I mention Bryan is 37 years old? Because I think we need to take that into account when dissecting this guy’s kissing skills, or lack thereof. Some call it aggressive and passionate. Others think he might mame someone if he’s not careful. Or suffocate them. We wouldn’t want a “death by suffocation” on this show. Save that for “UnREAL.”

-DeMario can’t quit talking about how confident he is that he’s the #1 seed and all that. Obviously this is being shown to us to set up next week’s girlfriend intervention. We saw the clip in the promo for next week, but DeMario’s girlfriend (obviously pre-planned) shows up after the group basketball date, calls out DeMario, and Rachel sends him home right there. But, he then returns later that night during the cocktail party to plead his case, but to no avail. I’m not sure exactly what DeMario was thinking in all this, but then again, I scratch my head on a lot of things these guys do. Do we get to read the text messages he was sending this girl? I sure hope so.

-Like I said on Friday regarding Lucas, we all know he’s there for entertainment purposes. Nobody actually takes the guy seriously. So when you step back and look at it outside of the “Bachelor” world, he’s a ridiculous spaz with a catchphrase that everyone is talking about today. And one that was trending on Twitter last night. It’s stupid, it’s silly, but as long as you don’t take him seriously, it’s funny. He’s different from Corinne in that they kept Corinne around until hometowns. Lucas is gone before episode 4, so we know he’s not a contender acting like a jack ass. Not to mention, he’s already been on another dating show. So while Whaboom is certainly annoying, I take it for what it is. Comedic value by a guy who has no chance to last. Did you see that Lucas was DM’ing Carly hitting on her? Bahahahahahahahahhaha…now that’s funny. At least hit on the girls who aren’t, you know, engaged. What a tool box.

-Easily the best exchange of the night was between Blake E. and Lucas, two guys who both appeared on WE TV’s “Ex Isle” last year.

Blake: “I’m not wearing my catchphrase on a shirt.
Lucas: “Good point Blake.”
(later on)
Lucas: “I think we all have a little whaboom in us.”
Blake: “I have no Whaboom in me.”

I’m guessing if that phrase isn’t already being put onto a t-shirt, it will be in the next 12 minutes. Someone will capitalize on that.

-Rose ceremony time. Bryan the Slobber Face already safe with a rose. Rachel: “It’s been a really long night…thank everyone for their patience and understanding…those not getting roses…appreciate your time and getting to know everyone…and if you didn’t get a rose because I gave one to Whaboom, you should probably re-evaluate your life.”

Roses go to: Peter, Will, Jack, Jamey, Iggy, Eric, DeMario, Jonathan, Bryce, Alex, Kenny, Dean, Matt, Anthony, Brady, Josiah, Lee, Diggy, Fred, Adam, Blake E., and Whaboom.

Since the episode-by-episode spoilers aren’t out yet, here’s what I can tell you I know happens next week:

-Pretty sure Fred goes home at the Ellen group date after party.
-We know DeMario leaves because of his girlfriend situation. She shows up to the group date, he gets eliminated, but then comes back the next day at the cocktail party and she still sends him home.
-Blake E. gets eliminated.

So that’s three who definitely go home next episode. I think four in total get sent home, so if I had to guess, it’s probably Whaboom that also goes home, and that’s when him and Blake continue to argue as both are eliminated. Hopefully I’ll have everything before next week’s episode airs.

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