-The cocktail party starts, or as I like to call it, “Chelsea’s Narration.” She pulls Off TV For 5 Years aside first after he gives his intro speech to everyone and tells him she wants this to “be the only time I will ever be your first.” She doesn’t mention she has a son. Or that she wears an Edelman jersey to bed. Or that she’s hoping for a modeling career. Or that there’s baby daddy drama up the ying yang. Nope, she just keeps it mysterious, tells him she recently passed her real estate course, and…Kesha comes up and steals him. Pretty funny that the girl who steals Chelsea away also has a dude at home that she’s had issues with. If anything, these two should end up being besties. From this point forward in the rest of the cocktail party, Chelsea isn’t happy and basically claims she only got :30 seconds with Prince Runner Up. Calls Kesha “the girl that makes all the noise.” Actually, the Indy car she rolled up in made the noise if we’re gonna be clear about this.
-Jay-quellan tries to have a deep conversation with Sydney’s Ex by asking him why he didn’t think it worked out with Emily, and the best he could come up with was changing the lyrics to a Britney Spears song she doesn’t even sing anymore. “Then I was more of a boy and now I’m more of a man.” You don’t say? Were you “Toxic” back then too? “Lucky” you were given this opportunity out of left field? Although, for 5 years you’ve basically been a “Womanizer.” I mean, I could think really long and hard about how to work in “Slave 4 U,” “Work Bitch,” “Hit Me Baby One More Time,” and “Oops! I Did It Again,” but I’m not that talented. Instead, in honor of Britney’s residency at Planet Hollywood coming to an end this past Sunday night, can we just take a look back at the greatest video Britney ever made? Thank you. You’ll be missed, Britney:
-Brittany takes him outside of the driveway where she has mini cars and cones set up so she can blackmail him into racing her. Of course, her car sucks, he pulls way out in front, then lets her back into the race since he really has no idea what it’s like having a lead, and then I think he technically finished before her. But whatever. Who’s actually paying attention? Brittany got the kiss she wanted, raved about how it might’ve been the greatest kiss ever planted on anyone known to mankind, even though there was zero tongue involved and it lasted maybe :02 seconds. She went inside and told all the other girls, to which they flipped out. You know who wasn’t pleased Sean’s Best Friend For the Show had already kissed someone? Chelsea Edelman. Now she has plans to interrupt someone else’s time because no one can possibly get more time than the :30 seconds she claims to have had. Hurricane Chelsea is on the warpath. Don’t get in her way.
-Then we have a series of girls who we get to see a little of his time with. Kendall showed him an X-ray of her intestines proving that donkey semen didn’t burn holes in them. Ok, kidding. She played the ukulele. Caroline took him outside to share a pizza because doesn’t want pizza all day every day? Lauren G. shared a pineapple with him and used it as their safe word. Don’t ask. I have no idea. Jenna was a bundle of energy, wasn’t she? She could bottle that up and sell it if she wants. I’m sure we’ll see her shilling it on IG soon enough. She also gave him a foot massage because, well, I guess some producer needed their idea used in the show. And Annaliese finally took off the mask and revealed her face to him. That didn’t help the kissing bandit in her attempt to, you know, kiss him.
-Becca has questions from mommy to ask Mr. Second Place because family means a lot to her. Remember, her father passed away about 8 years ago and her mother is in remission from breast cancer. I can’t even remember what any of the questions were now, but I’m sure he answered them perfectly. For a winner, Becca didn’t get any time last night that really stuck out in terms of what they showed. Didn’t have an intro video, had a memorable limo entrance, we got that snippet of her time with him in the backyard, but other than a few ITM’s here and there and talking in groups, kept her pretty hidden. Lauren B. was basically a ghost this episode. Did she even say 10 words? I guess that’s why they pay the editors. Sometimes the final girl is thrown in everyone’s faces in the first episode (like Lauren Bushnell was), and sometimes they aren’t (like Catherine). There’s no set formula for how they edit the final one early on.
-Girls are starting to get antsy about getting time with The Person They Chose After Peter Negotiations Fell Through. One of those people getting antsy? Miss Chelsea Roy-Edelman. And when Chelsea is still steaming from getting cut off by Maquel during her alone time, now she wants to do it to someone in return. That lucky individual is Krystal, who’s perma-smile is killing me right now. Chelsea asks if she can steal him away, and I don’t think the smile ever came off Krystal’s face even though she probably wanted to stick a pitchfork in Chelsea, carry her over her head, and drop her in the pool. That smile while letting him go couldn’t have been more insincere. But what does Chelsea care? She’s got her man, tells him, “I’m here for you to see where this brings us” and then they make out. The best part is Chelsea walks away from that convo very humble, reserved, and quiet about it. I’m kidding. She lets everyone know “I just met Arie for the second time.” Why doesn’t she just get some paint and draw her own bullseye right on her back?
-Jenny drew a picture of him which wasn’t half bad, Raven’s Twin lets it known she’s a clown and likes to keep things light, and Jessica the Reporter says her dad once met him and basically this is fate that she’s on his season. I hate to tell Jessica this after the fact, but does she not realize the second producers heard that story they’d make sure they focused on that to make her getting dumped the first night even more painful? Brutal. Jessica, I’m sorry about your dad. But trust me, even he thinks you dodged a bullet.
-Bekah takes him outside to sit on her classic car and asks him, “Tell me three things that make you excited to be alive?” Silver Medalist: “Excitement.” Nice, Einstein. Then he threw out other answers like “adrenaline, pizza, good food, company.” SHE SAID THREE!!!!! ARE YOU NOT PAYING ATTENTION DAMMIT!!!???? Pixie really made a name for herself last night and if you look at one of the poll questions today, she was the overwhelming favorite of the audience. Then again, the other two options I gave you were Krystal and Chelsea. That’d be like me asking you, “Would you rather have gonorrhea, syphilis, or 20/20 vision?” I think we know the answer. But hey, at least for one episode, Pixie is a fan favorite.
-First impression rose time. It goes to Chelsea. Everyone is pretty much already annoyed by her, and judging from social media response, yeah, she ain’t the most well liked person on the show right now. The funny thing is if you’re a former contestant on this show, and a female, and you live tweet or blog about the show, basically in this world we live in now, the second you criticize/ridicule/make fun of any girls on the show, trolls immediately jump all over your case with “Hey, you weren’t perfect on the show either” and essentially you can’t really give your opinion anymore. There are some that don’t care what the trolls say, but honestly, it’s few and far between. I KNOW people from this show wanted to comment on Chelsea’s edit last night but they couldn’t because they know what’s coming if they do. Sucks.
-Rose ceremony time. Chelsea safe with a rose. Runner Up: “Hey everybody…tonight was amazing…amazing group of women…yes, that’s back to back sentences I used the word amazing…my vocabulary is limited…blown away by such good conversation with you…not an easy decision to make…if you don’t get a rose, it’s not because you’re not amazing, I just didn’t see it working out between us…and you’re not amazing either.”
Becca, Marikh, Kendall, Lauren G., Krystal, Bekah M., Lauren S., Seinne, Caroline, Brittany, Bibiana, Annaliese, Jenna, Valerie, Jay-quellan, Jenny, Lauren B., Ashley, Raven 2.0
“Ladies, Arie, it’s the final rose tonight. When you’re ready. I really hope I make it through a full season by not calling you Peter, Not Peter. I’ll do my best.”
Kesha gets the last rose, which I’m sure pissed off her ex-husband as he couldn’t sound more desperate now clamoring for her back.
So next week, we’ve got two 1-on-1 dates as Becca is up first and gets spoiled with clothes and jewelry that are ridiculously expensive, and Krystal gets treated to a private jet back to Scottsdale to meet his family, see the neighborhood, tour his high school, etc. Then they come back the same night and get a private concert in downtown LA. Group date is Demolition Derby that Seinne wins and gets the group date rose. And it will be going up against the national championship game, which will totally suck. Ugh. I have a looooooong Monday night/Tuesday morning ahead of me next week.
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