-Tia’s date is in the Everglades where they glide through the water at warp speed, encountering an alligator at one point, while the show plays “Jaws” music. Ummmm, Jaws was a shark. I don’t think it quite has the same effect. Although I’m sure an alligator wouldn’t mind eating either of those two breakfast, lunch, or dinner. He’s probably sick of the show exploiting him at this point anyway. Hey, did Mr. Alligator Man sign a release form to be on TV? How do we know he agreed to this? Maybe he’d rather not be shown all naked on TV the way he was last night? Ever think of that? These producers can be so cruel. If exposing the alligator in his natural habitat wasn’t bad enough, where Arie and Tia pulled up to felt like something out of a Scooby Doo cartoon.
-You know how when Scooby Doo would travel to these remote places and always encounter some weird sh** going on? Well, when Arie & Tia docked next to this house in the middle of a swamp and out came this Darryl character, I was sure one of them was going to be served for dinner that night. Darryl doesn’t quite look like the demographic this show is going for. In fact, I’m willing to bet Darryl doesn’t own a TV and hasn’t since about, oh I don’t know, 1971. I was shocked at the end of Arie & Tia’s stay, Darryl didn’t refer to them as those “meddling kids” and pull off a mask to reveal he was actually, Mr. Stewart, the local chef. I don’t know where they found Darryl, where he came from, or where he’s going after his nationally televised TV appearance, but I’d be willing to guess he’s off to skin some animal, wear it for warmth, then eat it for dinner. Or I could be pre-judging Darryl. Whatever. He’s not reading this. Don’t think I’m going out on a limb in saying that Darryl and his summer teeth aren’t a charter member of Bachelor Nation.
-What’d Arie and Tia talk about? Oh yeah, the fact she went to college for 7 years, got a doctorate degree and is a physical therapist. That’s nice. Good for her. She also doesn’t see herself in Arkansas her whole life. Which is interesting because now that she’s not with Arie, you wonder if she was just saying that in the moment since you kinda have to say that. It’s one of my biggest issues of the show. I basically have a hard believing anything that anyone says on the show anymore. They know they’re on television. They know they’re being filmed and it’ll eventually be shown to millions of people. And they know the object is to last on the show as long as they can, so yeah, how in the world am I supposed to believe anything these people say. Hell, this was Tia’s first 1-on-1 date, 5 weeks into the season, and the whole dinner portion of her date was her getting all worked up about whether or not she was going to tell him she was in love with him. You know how I feel about that on this show. It’s pretty ridiculous. I don’t care if they haven’t shown us Tia and Arie’s connection from the beginning – she’s not in love with him no matter how much she tries to convince herself she is. But she let a producer talk her into saying that, so, I’m going to judge her for it.
-Tia also informs us that her relationship past has been with guys that she can fix and who’ve had a hard life. Uh oh. She’s one of those girls. My suggestion to Tia would be this. Wait for the next season of the “Bachelorette” to air, scope out all the guys on that season, start DM’ing them early so you have a head start going in to Paradise, find your man there, and you and Raven can have a double wedding televised by ABC. It can be in Arkansas, with hay bales, maybe a silo in the background, you and Raven can wear matching boots under your wedding dresses, and at the reception everyone gets sh**faced off moonshine while a band plays in the background blowing on their jugs. Hell, why don’t I just plan your wedding for you? This is genius.
-So we finally got to the big moment with these two and after enough producer prodding coming up with the guts to finally say it, Tia lays it all out there for Arie:
Tia: “It’s scary as hell to say I’m falling in love with you.”
Arie: “You have to look at me when you say that.”
Tia: “I’m falling in love with you.”
Arie: “You are?”
Translation: Uh oh. Producers got one of the girls that I’m not in love with to tell me that she’s in love with me. Uhhhh, what do I do now? Do I act surprised? Do I act sincere? Do I act like I’m clueless since I haven’t said that to anyone in 5 years and the last girl I said it to was on a TV show that I spent maybe a combined total of 72 hours with? Someone please help me. So yeah, Tia got the rose but it sure was awkward after she said that.
