-We begin with the proverbial recap of Becca’s journey – the breakup with Arie – along with her talking to her parents and sister about how she’s gonna bounce back and is ready or whatever these leads convince themselves of before the season to justify their narrative. Now, one thing Becca didn’t do was throw in a “Lets Do the Damn Thing” here, and thank God for that. The good thing about that phrase, if you’ve seen/heard Becca in any pre-season interviews, even she’s already sick of it and wants to retire it. Good. There’s hope for her after all. So yeah, you might be sick of hearing it (which everyone should be), but just know Becca sounds like she’d rather contract a flesh eating bacteria than say that phrase again. I think all is right with the world again.
-Also, we gotta get predictable clips of her at her opening photo shoot, moving into her “house,” then driving down PCH with the top down. Seems to be a go to for all these leads. Although I think I remember Desiree’s being the funniest as she was roller skating in Santa Monica and fell on her ass. Fun times. Maybe they could’ve had Becca skateboarding. Or maybe have her in an Indy pace car and crashing to simulate her relationship with Arie. That would’ve worked for me. Always funny to me when they show the lead in this situation moving into the house and having a lot of pensive looks about what’s to come. I wonder if she was thinking, “This is going to be such an amazing journey. I can’t wait to find my potential soulmate at the end of this thing…then have IG bots spam my account 100 times calling that man a bigot.”
-Kaitlyn, JoJo, and Rachel show up for the “advice” session, and this one actually makes sense since all three of them are still engaged to the men they chose, now at 3, 2, and 1 year(s) respectively. Unlike having Chris Soules show up to the last 45 seasons or so to give advice when he lasted a hot minute with Whitney. Never understood that one. And oh yeah, Nick too. And Ben. But then again, Ben is basically on ABC’s payroll I assume so they have to find some way to shoe horn him into every season/conversation possible. These three girls remind Becca that the guy they gave their first impression rose to and first kiss of the season are all the men they’re with today. And that basically wraps up season 14 for everyone. See you next season! I know it’s easy to say, “Why do they make it so obvious now with 4 seasons in a row it happened.” Well, hindsight is 20/20. After Kaitlyn did it, during JoJo’s season you could’ve easily said, “They wouldn’t do that two seasons in a row.” Until they did. Then after it happened and Rachel’s season aired, you could’ve said, “No way they do that THREE seasons in a row.” And they did. Before this season, you could’ve said, “No way they do that FOUR seasons in a row.” And they did.
-Time for the men’s intro videos. Always a standard on the first episode. Usually we see between 7-9 videos, some from guys who last long, and some are guys who go home the first night, but for the most part, all are uncomfortable to watch and extremely over produced. Lets see what this crop has to bring to the table:
Clay: He’s a 30 year old pro football player. And when he says pro football player, he’s not kidding. Like, actually took snaps in NFL games. Caught TD passes in regular season games, and actually has collected serious NFL paychecks. He also happens to be like the nicest man in America based on what we saw last night. He even mentions in his video he’s not the stereotypical NFL player. Certainly seems that way. We see a dinner with his mixed race family, as his dad is black and his mom is white. He’s excited it’s Becca and says all the right things. Remember the night of the ATFR when Becca was announced, he was the one I had the snapchat shot of him watching TV and drawing a heart around her face. Don’t let us down Clay.
Garrett: From Reno, NV and does a Chris Farley impression. While it’s pretty good, I pray it’s the last time we hear it all season. You want to start doling out impressions, save it for an open mic night at the Chuckle House or whatever. We don’t need to see you trying out your stand up material while getting engaged to Becca. Garrett likes to fish, hunt, and, well, he likes a lot of other things too apparently on the internet. Again, we can talk about this all season til we’re blue in the face. I need to hear from this guy first before deciding on his fate. He’s already guilty in the court of public opinion right now by everything I saw on Twitter and everything emailed to me over the weekend. Based on the first episode, if you didn’t know what happened with his IG, he’d basically be everyone’s favorite and people would be over the moon about him and Becca. But the so-called IG actions certainly have put a damper on things. Gonna be a loooooong season for him unless ABC lets him address this before August.
Jordan: If you google the word “Metrosexual Douchecanoe,” you will find a picture of Jordan Kimball. There’s just no other way to describe this guy. Whether he’s putting on an act, or just really that annoying, self absorbed, and narcisisstic, none of it comes off well. He says his brand is “pensive gentleman.” Frankly, your brand to me is “poser with serious self-esteem issues whose daddy didn’t hug him enough.” But hey, that’s just me. Remember when I first posted about Jordan, then an ex of his started posting about him saying he was such a great guy, but then backtracked, contacted me, said she didn’t want to be part of the narrative anymore and to remove her from the story? Why do you think she did that? Exactly, because she still wanted him. And Jordan was back with her the second filming ended, having even gone on vacation with her recently. Yet, he leaves for Mexico this weekend to go on Paradise, leaving her in the dust again. Some women will never learn unfortunately…
Lincoln: 26, and originally from Nigeria. His video was nothing noteworthy. However, until this Garrett incident, Lincoln was probably the most talked about guy during filming because of this particular story. Yeah, I know. And I had two people who worked with Lincoln at Oracle, not only email me and confirm the story, but they may or may not have sent along the pictures as well that have essentially scarred me for life. I’m doing better, thanks. Only a few more therapy sessions to go.
Joe: Ahhhh, the proverbial intro video of the dude who goes home on night one. Joe owns a grocery story, and no, it’s not Trader Joe’s. Although that would’ve been pretty impressive. His parents have been married 35 years, and they got married after knowing each other 2 months. That’s some serious love right there. Of course, that won’t happen to Joe, since his relationship with Becca didn’t even last 35 hours. We wish you the best, Joey. Go find some chick in the produce aisle.
Jean Blanc: He was born in Haiti and came here at the age of 2. He’s a very big fan of accessories – watches, ties, cologne, etc. He calls himself a colognosseur and has over 100 cologne’s to his name. Heard he’s even opening up a women’s fragrance line, Jean Blanc Boutique, which looks like it’ll be available here: http://www.jeanblancofficial.com .
Colton: Colton is the football player this season that never played in the NFL. Or suited up for a Sunday game. He was a practice squad player for a few seasons, until injuring his back last season and decided to retire. He had a cousin born with Cystic Fibrosis, so he’s started the Colton Underwood Legacy Foundation where he gives breathing vests to children in need. Very noble. I have absolutely no problem with that and applaud him for it. However, I’m able to separate Colton the philanthropist from Colton the dude on TV who was seeing Tia pre-show, ghosted her to go on Becca’s season even admitting he didn’t know much about Becca, then is all set to go on Paradise this season. Two completely different animals.