Now it’s time for the limo entrances. Oh goodie. Always a few every season that catch my eye. I’m not going to go over all 28 because plenty weren’t the least bit interesting. But here are some that stuck out to me:
Colton: First one out of the limo, and he wants to get this party started right. And what better way to get this party started than with a confetti gun. You know who else had a confetti gun? Taylor Swift at her concert this weekend. And it was bigger, shot out more confetti, and the confetti was fake newspaper clippings. Sorry, Colton. Taylor confetti gun > Colton’s half ass squirt/confetti gun.
Clay: He tells Becca he caught a lot of passes but the biggest catch of his life could be her. Then he says “catch you inside.” You know what? I want Clay to speak in nothing but football cliches all season. “Going for any of these other guys would be a major penalty, Becca.” “Colton, you’re totally out-of-bounds by seeing Tia before the season started then coming on and trying to date her best friend.” “I have a feeling that Jordan is making a pass at me. And not with a football.”
Jean Blanc: He has a French name, so he speaks to her in French. She repeats it then asks, “What’d I just say?” Jean Blanc: “Lets do the damn thing.” How about you do the right thing Jean Blanc and never ever say that phrase again or else I’ll have to douse you in a shower of Drakkar Noir.
Connor: He gets on one knee, says he’s ready to take this journey and “do the damn thing.” Connor, feel free to join Jean Blanc in that cologne shower and never come out.
Leo: Has his hair up in a bun and says because of nerves, it’s “time to let our hair down.” And he does. And it has all the power of Samson from the Bible. Or not. Well, whatever power it has it certainly can attract a certain taxidermy loving chick.
Jordan: Why he didn’t just enter saying, “Hey Becca, I’m Jordan. I’ll be the guy that editing focuses on for the first 4 episodes with the 900 ITM’s they give me so I can talk about myself. Can’t wait to get to Paradise.”
Mike: Another dude with a football background as he writes for Pro Football Focus. He brings a cardboard cut out of Arie because he wanted Arie to “get a chance to see you as happy as you are tonight.” Not bad. Although, I think you should’ve urinated on the cardboard cut-out for good measure. Funny. Cardboard is the exact word I would use to describe the Arie/Lauren relationship.
Garrett: Honk, honk. Beep, beep. Here comes Garrett in a mini van to show Becca their future life together. I’m sure her insides are drying up as we speak knowing this guy’s first impression is to tell her, “Hey, you will be a soccer mom and like it, dammit!” Although Becca loved it and didn’t seem the least bit bothered by the entrance. Probably would’ve drove off in the minivan if she could with him.
Blake: Blake showed up on the ATFR with a horse telling her to “get back on the saddle.” Now he has an ox saying he hasn’t been able to get her off his mind and his feelings are as strong as an ox. Unfortunately, I don’t find this entrance the least bit impressive since he was unable to secure Paul Bunyan to join him. Booooooooooo, Blake.
Wills: Tells her he’s a closet nerd and she likes that, because she’s a nerd too. Nothing like nerd love on the first night. I think Wills is going to be well liked this season.
Kamil: Talks about relationships meeting halfway, has Becca come walking towards him, then pulls a “Yeah, maybe 60/40.” If we’re playing percentages here Kamil, I’d say you have a 100% chance of never seeing Becca again after the first night. I’m good with odds.
Jake: From Minnesota and Becca recognizes him since they ran in the same social circles on a few occasions. She’s not impressed he never gave her an indication he liked her then, but now she’s the Bachelorette and here he is. Jake, if you did not receive a rose, say your goodbyes. In your case, you can’t even say your goodbyes because Becca ain’t got time for you and you don’t even make the rose ceremony. Womp, womp.
Trent: Arrives in a hearse telling Becca “I literally died when I heard you were the Bachelorette.” Well, that’s taking it too far. You didn’t die. In fact, you’re very much alive and healthy. And got talked into a pretty cheesy opener from producers.
David: Chicken suit. He’s not here to “ruffle feathers,” and it will be “egg-cellent to see her inside.” Pluck off.
Chris: He knows he has to impress Uncle Gary if he wants any shot with Becca, so he brings out the gospel choir to sing some made up song. I’d give it a 6 out of 10. Only because two seasons ago, Wells brought in All-4-One for JoJo, and my 90’s R&B craze got excited. Chris, if you would’ve landed Color Me Badd and had them sing “I Wanna Sex You Up” you would’ve gotten all the points.