After the tragic denouement of last week’s episode wherein participants of this show were symbolically impaled by literal betrayal, it seems now may be a good time to regroup. So while you stretch and thank everyone in your life for never dragging you onto a reality show, I’m going to make a few predictions about what I think will happen to these people in the coming weeks:
Prediction #1: Ashley H., who was horrifically manipulated by production via a truncated statement from Casey, will lose eight pounds of water weight through her retinas and will then sop up that sadness by hooking up with either Deac or Ben.
Prediction #2: Ashley G. will not be able to handle Rick moving on from her, even though she was the one who banged a stranger almost immediately after arriving on the island. Between that and KB’s obvious ambivalence, she will attempt to fling herself into a simmering volcano – but she will only do it so KB will climb in to save her, which he would totally>/i> do, but he might be very busy taking a nap.
Prediction #3: Esonica will wear her hair in an adorable new way and she will allow Kareem to play with it if she’s feeling charitable.
Prediction #4: Kate will crumble from the inside out and her devastation will be so complete that soon maybe only a pile of blonde hair and some still-intact lashes will remain. Then she will pick herself and those lashes off the floor and recognize that Dave is beneath her, a revelation that won’t really bother Dave too much since he is currently beneath many women.
Prediction #5: When it comes to the men, I think Casey will spend most of his time behaving, though he should really be dedicating his time to filling out the paperwork he’s gonna need to enter the Witness Protection Program. He’s going to require some way to evade Payton once he leaves that island, and my assumption is that particular need will only grow once Ashley cheats and Casey retaliates by hooking up with the world’s least stable rebound option. I think Rick will legitimately fall for Medinah – and he may want to get a copy of the paperwork Casey is working on just in case Ashley G. spends her time off the island stalking him instead of KB. I expect Gavin will suck the toes of several more women and will be shocked to learn Esonica is no longer pining for him and I think Dave will wear his glasses for another day or so in order to appear pious and regretful and then he will celebrate taking those glasses off by feeling up Toneata in a hot tub or some other body of water.
But when it comes predictions, please remember that I was wrong about just about every couple on last season’s show and I never would have figured out what was in the f*cking hatch on Lost on my own. Still, I think I’m right about a few of my guesses, especially when it comes to what I think will go down with the Ashleys. Before we get there, however, we must return to the Bonfire where Kate watches footage of Dave cavorting with two women in more than one room of a villa and reveals that maybe she always knew he was deceptive and the type of person who would be this emotionally cruel. The others sob for her, and probably for themselves as well. It’s not easy to be confronted with the very worst in humanity; it’s less easy to see those signs in yourself, to know you also have the power and sometimes the will to wield pain.
“His words have meant nothing. I mean, does he not understand that I’m going to see that?” Kate asks with grief choking her voice. And the thing is, he does realize she will see that – but his own wanton momentary needs took precedent and that right there is why this woman needs to ditch this f*cker immediately.
How does Mark handle the fact that he has just contributed to warping these women forever? He tells them that they are growing faster than they even think. And while that may be true, I sort of wish he hadn’t added the “than you think” part. These people currently no longer have belief in the good of the common man; shouldn’t they at least be allowed the agency to know when they’re growing?
We return to the men back at their villa and they are toasting to the ladies who have been hired to understand them and their needs, skills that will look lovely on a resume one day. The mood is mildly forlorn, but Casey’s not all that upset. Sure, it was weird to hear his girlfriend say she liked some other guy, but he’s sure she’ll choose him in the end. (This bit of seemingly throwaway dialogue? It’s exactly what I’d expect to see right before Ashley H. disrobes for someone new.) Medinah is following Rick around the kitchen trying to understand him, which will be a serious accomplishment since Rick is not a guy who enjoys speaking about feelings. Quick note to Medinah: a man who utters sentences like “You think I want to think about that?” is probably not someone with whom you will be able to endure hard times. Medinah tries though. She makes her wanting to discuss what happened at the Bonfire about her own needs and she tells Rick he is standoffish. “How am I standoffish?” Rick asks her as he literally leans away from her. But when his distance causes Medinah to admit that he’s making her feel insecure and she begins to cry, he draws her in and hugs her. “I don’t want to be the old Rick,” he reveals to us, and maybe there’s hope he won’t be, though his only shot in hell at changing is getting away from a woman like Ashley who needs to battle in order to feel like she’s alive.
Back at the other villa, Kate is devastated. As she explains, she’s been taking care of “we” for so long that she has forgotten how to think of herself. And then in come the guys with some grilled cheese and soup – which are commendable comfort foods, though I prefer my comfort to be a la mode – and Ashley H. tells them she’s ready to have some f*cking fun because she’s f*cking tired of f*cking caring about f*cking f*ck faces, or something to that effect. Ashley H. is mad, you guys, and I’m wagering she will release that anger by tugging on a deac before the sun comes up.
These girls need to have some fun. How does debauchery look at the girls’ house? Well, it seems to involve duct tape and, I’m imagining, a lot of unexpected waxing once that tape is pulled off. The party itself looks fine as long as you’re into girls dancing in slow motion and people getting water poured on their asses, which incidentally is the kind of sh*t I only allow to happen on very special Wednesdays. Ashley H. is enjoying herself as she twerks yet again for the masses, but when the festivities wind down, Kate’s emotions bubble over. “What was so bad in our relationship that he had to come here and have, like, Spring Break 2019?” Kate wails to Dominique, and the girl is f*cking right. Dave is the worst one on this show. He’s selfish and then he has the nerve to appear contrite, which only feels even more selfish and manipulative. It kills me that Kate is the one who is embarrassed here when it should be the other way around. But it’s not just Kate reevaluating her boyfriend. Esonica has told Kareem all about the toe suckage she had to endure and how she’s repulsed by Gavin’s actions, but she’s not ready to say she doesn’t want to be with the guy. I think she’ll get there. And then we have Ashley H. confiding in Deac. Allow me to set the scene here. Ashley is in a thong bikini bottom and Deac is wearing either boxer briefs or a bathing suit in highlighter yellow with caution taped wrapped around his head as Ashley tells him that Casey said he’d be fine if he and Ashley broke up. (Remember: Casey also said he wants to marry her, but those crafty editors spliced those words right out.) This is just the news Deac has been waiting for! He sees the first glint of a tear, wraps Ashley in his arms, and bides his time until she’s either so devastated or so furious that she will allow him to comfort her with some tongue.
Things appear more settled once a new day dawns and it’s time for date selections. Ashley G. asks Chris – and she does it in front of KB, who reacts not even a bit. Chris hasn’t exactly been pining away for Ashley, but he’s excited to get out of the house. Ashley H. asks Ben out (it’s his turn at bat) and it’s a foregone conclusion that Esonica will take Kareem and Kate will bring Dominique and his abs. Over at the guys’ house, Gavin asks out a very smiley Mia, Rick is taking Medinah, Dave invites Toneata instead of either of his threesome participants, and Casey is wise enough to ask out Rachel, but he is foolish enough to not recognize that Payton will react to the two of them simply speaking by losing whatever is left of her mind. She stands up, repeats the words “I’m out” several times, and then publically bawls, drowning the surface of the house in irrational tears.
Also: If Payton is not actually just playing the role of Psychotic Reality Show Participant to enhance some acting resume she’s got, then she needs to be studied by a team of experts who can devote an entire chapter to her in a new Psychology textbook coming out soon that explores baseless and batshit* obsession.