Reality Steve

Temptation Island

“Temptation Island” – Nell Kalter’s Episode 7 Recap

Photo Credit: USA Network

It all comes down to the simple question of what these people truly want. Think about it. Dave obviously wanted to have a threesome at some point in his life – and with that hair, I will not so much as even entertain the notion that he’s had a shot at one before – and being on this show allowed him to dive d*ck-first into some debauchery. Ashley G. (and the skilled group of editors tasked with turning her into character) allowed us to see that what she values most is constant validation. As for Casey, the guy who is currently pounding the wooden plank upon which he literally sits and is metaphorically walking, well, Casey must value snagging himself a semblance of fame. I can think of no other reason to explain why he’d talk his significant other into coming on a show with such a sh*t track record when it comes to couples staying together. He brought Ashley there. He thrust her into a scenario where it was at least a possibility that another guy would eventually join her in some thrusting. Whether or not Casey has behaved himself thus far on that island is not really the issue; if he wanted to prove his fidelity, he could have done that sh*t on the mainland. No, Casey had to be looking for something besides clarity and my guess is that “something” involved becoming pretend famous – and now here we are. The guy is momentarily famous for looking like a sap and the only thing that shocks me about any of it is that he has the nerve to appear surprised.

Casey’s reaction to Ashley’s betrayal goes beyond the wood spanking – and sadly that is not any sort of metaphor. Casey says he feels like his life is over and Ashley broke the rules they set up, though to be fair, those rules never would have been made had this guy not pushed her to go on this show. I get that he didn’t think Ashley could possibly grow to care about someone else in real life, but this is reel life, Casey. It’s an orchestrated environment where emotions and logic are intentionally toyed with in an effort to encourage everyone involved to make very bad choices. And I’m not sure Ashley is making such a bad choice here. I’m all for her ditching a man who talked her into being on this show and had far too much arrogance to see what could very clearly happen. I will not deny that a part of me – that pesky human component I can’t seem to drop – feels some compassion for him, but it’s only mild compassion. I can’t help it; I think the guy’s reaction to something that was so obviously a possible conclusion borders on the ridiculous. Need some proof? This guy – who is on this show to ostensibly test his relationship – bellows that he and Ashley have an amazing relationship. Um, dude? People with amazing relationships do not go on Temptation Island, not unless there’s another motive at play. And I really hope that secret motive was worth you losing your girl because I don’t see Ashley tiring of Ben’s attention, devotion, and decent kissing talent soon.

The women arrive at the Bonfire next and I’m finding it hard to look at Kate; I feel second-hand embarrassment for her. I find it way easier to focus instead on how nobody giggles when Ashley G. says she hopes Rick feels like their relationship is worth fighting for, you know, even though she cavalierly behaved like an assh*le and didn’t consider his feelings in the slightest when she chose to nail KB even before any of the dairy in the villa’s refrigerator went bad. Mark asks Ashley H. about Ben and Ashley once again radiates absolute bliss while rhapsodizing about the way the guy kisses. (Is anyone else wondering if Ben’s kissing talents are really that good or are you cynical like me and thinking that maybe Casey’s kissing skills just suck? If I were really committed to my craft, I’d head out into the world with the goal of kissing both guys – a comparison shopping experience with tongue, if you will – but as I’m not paid nearly enough, I shall just continue to wonder.)

Kate sees footage first. Since last week she watched her boyfriend shower naked with one chick and then writhe around his bed with two, you’d think she’d be off the hook in terms of being subjected to carefully edited misery. Unfortunately, Dave is still enough of a douche for there to be screen time of him rubbing Toneata’s ass, telling her he really really really likes her and that he’s considering a move to L.A. to be near her. Kate doesn’t cry this time. She stares at the screen and just says that she doesn’t recognize the guy on it and that Dave needs to figure himself out. I don’t usually get my feelings too involved with this show, but I actively hope Kate doesn’t end up with this man. Legitimately decent people know that “figuring yourself out” does not need to be as selfish an experience as Dave has rationalized it should be.

When it’s Esonica’s turn, she watches Gavin tell Mia that she’s his favorite, but Esonica has no idea if he means she’s his favorite of the women in the villa or the favorite when it comes to ranking women of the world against his girlfriend. (Oh, that scent that just came wafting your way? Nothing to be concerned about! It’s just me burning my own bra while sitting on my sofa. Do not be alarmed by the fumes and please continue to go forth and rank women!) Esonica has no idea how to interpret what Gavin is saying because the premise of this show allows for no context, but she looks bored by all of it. When it’s Ashley G.’s turn, she rolls her eyes so dramatically when she watches footage of Medinah that I hope those near her at that Bonfire checked to make sure she was just being a reactive jerk and was not instead having a stroke. But I do agree with Ashley when she says Rick is only showing Medinah snippets of who he is and therefore Medinah cannot possibly understand Rick the way she can. She’s right, but it may be hard for her to scramble up to any moral high ground after some of the choices she’s made. And lest we forget, had KB not ditched her, she would probably still be all about that guy right now and I think we all know it.

And now it’s Ashley H.’s turn and these producers are f*cking masters. They have no footage besides Casey innocently sitting alone in a hot tub, so they go The Payton Route. Yes, it is a Payton confessional Ashley sees wherein the least emotionally stable human currently on the island apologizes to Ashley for who her boyfriend is and then advises Ashley that she deserves more. What Ashley is not told is that Payton was speaking to a camera because everyone in the house was avoiding her so they wouldn’t have to lie again and tell her the cover-up caked below her nostril looks very natural. Still, those behind the scenes know exactly what they’re doing; the clip has the very desired effect of making Ashley believe Casey is up to absolutely no good and she should therefore go kiss Ben some more and wave to the cameras whilst doing it.

Before Ashley can get some of that good kissing and subsequently create some more visual content that will slowly drive Casey mad, she will have to toss the handpicked flowers Deac placed on her bed in a sweet act of devotion that also makes zero sense. Listen, I know the guy was into Ashley and I know she felt giggly around him at one point, but it’s pretty clear the girl is all about Ben now. Those flowers were plucked in vain, Deac! It was a valiant gesture done with exceedingly sh*tty timing, but I very much believe Little Deac (He calls himself that! It’s not like I’m being intentionally disparaging) will make some girl very happy, though that girl will not be Ashley.

Also: Serious props to Ashley G. for being the only one of the women to realize that trusting the drunk rantings of a female Temptress is a fool’s game. I don’t agree with every move this woman has made on this show, but she seems to see people more clearly than anybody else does and I respect that madly.

At the guys’ villa, Casey is moping. Samantha compassionately tells him she’s there if he wants to talk and Payton stares at his misery with a glint in her eye that might be the lighting but it also might be the first signs of insanity. Really, who’s to say? As for Dave, he wants Toneata to know he has meant every single thing he has said to her, which means he has really meant it when he said she’s pretty because that’s kind of all we’ve been shown of their scintillating conversations. (Since we all know how much of daily life in that villa must be edited out for the show, let’s take a moment and imagine the very profound conversations Dave and Toneata probably have on a minute by minute basis about things like moral ambiguity and political identity and whether or not she will be able to get him an agent. Okay, that moment is now over.) To us, however, Dave says he doesn’t know if Kate can trust him after he made some “stupid mistakes,” though I’d venture to say him asking her to appear on this show in the first place should have served as Red Flags 1-47 for the woman – and since Red Flag number 48 just had a reconstructed mullet emblazoned upon it, that flag should count here, too.

When it comes Rick and Medinah, what is becoming obvious is that they communicate in very different ways. Rick prefers to retreat when he’s upset and such a thing probably can’t work with someone as verbally probing as Medinah. I understand her frustration. Here she has met a smiley guy with deep dimples who is fun and smart and yet she cannot get the guy to open up so she has no real idea where she stands. And as Medinah walks away to give Rick some space and Casey crawls into a fetal position and cries about his girlfriend’s betrayal, Ashley H. gets into bed with Ben and expresses once again how much she really likes before asking him perhaps the best question anyone has ever asked on this show: If I meet you in the real world, will this be you? Bravo, Ashley! And though I don’t know if she can or should believe Ben when he swears he’s really this trustworthy and swoon-worthy in real life, good for her for asking if what he’s throwing down is a made for TV act or a legitimate reflection of who the guy truly is. I’m rooting for these two, or at least I’m rooting for Ashley.

Deac is not feeling particularly happy right now, not when flowers torn off nearby bushes and placed on a bed in a color coordinated pattern did not lead to an invitation to cuddle. This is bullsh*t, he thinks, and then he shares those feelings with Chris, Ashley G., and the demon that uses KB’s body as a host. And oh, my friends, do things devolve.

Allow me to walk you through the madness that anyone with half a working brain cell could have told you was simply a foregone conclusion when the participants of said madness include a needy woman with a short fuse and a man who staunchly believed it that one time his mommy whispered that he is the very best boy in the WHOLE WIDE WORLD and then forgot to clarify that his inherent specialness shouldn’t mean that he and his ego are the only things that will ever matter:

o Ashley G. asks a bummed Deac what he was hoping for by strewing flowers around Ashley’s bed, and when KB busts in to answer for the guy – because, you know, he’s the Captain of this f*cking table too – Ashley calmly asks him to allow Deac to answer the question.
o KB does not like to be told anything, and certainly not by a woman, so he reacts like an unhinged lunatic. When Ashley gets up to leave the table and mumbles that she’s walking away from “a bunch of b*tches,” the guy’s toxicity pours out of him geyser-style.
o While I would have just walked away at that point (and I also wouldn’t have slept with such a piece of sh*t), Ashley decides to chide the KB for being “all in his feelings,” and since said feelings are defined entirely by abject rage and the inability to be so much as questioned by someone with ovaries, KB responds thusly: “Someone come get this b*tch!”
o When their past “relationship” is dragged into this lovely conversation, KB screams that it was a struggle to f*ck her and Ashley retorts that Rick’s d*ck is bigger. (If I was really committed to my craft…oh, never mind.)
o I think KB’s big mic drop moment is meant to be when he tells Ashley to take off her wig, but there are no mic drop moments here because all this sequence happens to be is a public service announcement for why you probably shouldn’t sleep with relative strangers who say things like “Let me have some of that chocolate love” and then follow those poetic words up with decrees about being the number one guy in the house – nay, the universe.

Should there happen to be a deity floating around Hawaii, maybe it will be kind enough to show its holiness by allowing an elimination ceremony to take place soon so KB can finally be shoved off the island or into a volcano. I’m fine with either. But Ladies of Planet Earth, take heed! Make sure you have watched this scene carefully and then go ahead and watch it one more time because even if this guy’s cartoon-like muscles excite you, be wise enough to understand that you will not be the lady who will change KB. He will always be this much of a narcissistic-instantly-combative-thinks-the-sun-rises-and-sets-out-of-his-assh*le type of person, and if we all band together, maybe this sh*thead will not have the opportunity to breed.



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