These next two pages are all of your thoughts on how you felt Monday’s episode played out. No real need for me to comment on them because a lot of you felt the same way…
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Kaity is a class act. I think you have to prepare yourself for the possibility of him sleeping with other women. If I was the Bachelorette I would want the same grace shown to me. We are all adults and if I truly thought being intimate with someone would help me find my person I would do the same. And if I chose to sleep with multiple men, it would be kept private. There is absolutely no reason to share something that intimate unless asked about it by the person you end up choosing.
On that note, Gabi has every right to be upset. What a horrible feeling. I do think Zach is a good guy who made a bad decision. It was incredibly reckless to make the “no sex” rule from the beginning.
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Hi Steve,
What bothered me most was not Zach having sex with Gabi but telling her so convincingly that he was falling in love with her the morning after-
If his feelings were so strong for Kaity why would he tell Gabi this? Telling Gabi this after the overnight shows lack of character!! (Or he’s confused about his feelings at this point?)
So for me sleeping with Gabi was not a big deal but expressing those kind of feelings to her is important- if I were Kaity this would be a big red flag when watching back.
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Good morning from Kansas City,
I (54F), my daughter (23) and her friend (23F) watch every Monday together. We had a long discussion last night about how Zach should have handled the situation.
First of all, he should have not had the sex after his no sex declaration but that ship sailed.
Why did he feel he had to tell Gabi he was telling Kaity?!?!? It would have made us feel shameful and dirty. Not because it was but because it felt like a confession….good old Catholic guilt there. Dumb.
As far as telling Kaity…if she wanted to know or asked that’s one thing or had given him an ultimatum. Based on editing, it certainly didn’t seem like that was the case. Dumb.
Obviously he thought he was doing the right thing and didn’t want Kaity to be blindsided by his sleeping with Gabi. It just wasn’t the time and place to inform her of the liaison. I’m not sure when the right time would be but it certainly wasn’t then. Dumb.
Maybe he didn’t want to be accused of a sin of omission. I don’t know.
Our questions…did he inform Ariel? Did he know Kaity was the one at this point? How much is producer driven? How come we didn’t see the morning after with Kaity? Where has Kaity’s Canadian accent been this whole time?
I realize I’m not sharing anything profound here but those were our thoughts.
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I totally agree with you about the only reason Zack told Kaity about having sex with Gabi, is because he knew he was picking Kaity. He didn’t want any secrets between them. All the conversations about not having sex, or confessing he did, would have been better off camera in the fantasy suite.
I also think Gabi realized in that moment of Zack saying he had to be honest, she realized she wasn’t the final one, since it became clear that Zack wanted to clear his conscience with Kaity.
As for your question on how would women feel, i don’t really know how I would feel, because on one hand I would appreciate his honesty, but I also don’t want to hear it spoken. I think I would just assume it would happen as part of the process and blindly hope it didn’t if I was the final choice.
Of course, being married 39 years, I’m a different generation. Sex is more openly discussed now and maybe more common to have multiple partners, and hookups instead of relationships.
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Hi Steve!
My thoughts on Zach’s overnights…Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell man! This entire fiasco was completely about Zach and his own selfishness, not about the women. The thing that stuck out to me was when he kept telling Gabi that he didn’t want to start out an engagement with a lie. Well, if he actually thought he was choosing Gabi, it wouldn’t have mattered. But this proves even more that he knew it was going to be Kaity because of the amount of guilt he felt. And the fact that Gabi said they just cuddled and was going to keep it private, I would be furious and betrayed if I was her. It was 2 hours of cringe moments that didn’t need to happen.
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Hi Steve,
Looks like you and I pretty much agree on what went down last night.
As far as my take as a woman … I’m with Katie. Do what you want as long as we’re not committed … but don’t tell me!
Hell … don’t even tell me if we’re committed! I was married a long time (I’m a widow) and I can tell you this …. if my husband ever cheated on me and it was “just sex” and he then regretted it … I don’t want to know about it! Go talk to the priest or rabbi about it if you need to ease your conscience. And certainly don’t tell my in-laws! UGH! Keep it to your damned self and just don’t do it again.
The fact that Zach admits he’s been a serial confessor-of-wrongs his whole life is concerning. I read this as a person who 1) has a ton of shame about himself and 2) thinks that confessing automatically absolves him of his “sins” regardless of how it hurts others. I think he’s someone who absolutely believes he always has to “look good” … especially when he deep down feels he is “bad.” He needs a shrink!
If I were Kaity I’d RUN because I wouldn’t want to spend a lifetime with someone who’s gonna tell me every damned time they do something stupid or wrong and share all our problems with mommy and daddy and siblings!
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Hi Steve,
I was so impressed with Kaity last night and how she handled the “sex week” talk that Zach brought to her.
There’s no way I would have been that composed and thoughtful at 27 (in that stressful and weird dating environment).
I’m with Kaity.
I would not want to know as filming was going on. Because her day date with Zach was ruined.
She was excited for alone time and enjoying the day, and he just had to bring that up pretty quickly.
I would want to know AFTER filming concluded tho (assuming I was the “winner”).
Just because I wouldn’t want to be surprised by what I was going to see watching the show back.
So don’t tell me as we are “dating” and going thru the show, but please be open/honest with me after filming so I know what to expect.
I think we are missing a major factor tho about why Zach likely felt he HAD to tell Kaity.
I think it was also weighing on him that he wants to be a GOOD and well liked Bachelor.
I think he wanted to be as different from Clayton as he could be, and that backfired a bit (more so showing us the audience that he’s better or handles situations differently).
I like Zach a lot (honestly) as the Bachelor.
I just think he was in his head a lot and trying to be as open and direct as possible, and that’s what kind of backfired on him at times.
Also, why didn’t he tell Ariel (or why wasn’t it shown)?
When he was talking with Jessie, he said he has to “tell the other women” about what happened with sex week.
I get he knew he wasn’t choosing Ariel, but why say he needs to be honest with the other women about what happened, yet really only mean be honest with Kaity.
Just found that weird.
Because it definitely seemed like Ariel had no clue at the rose ceremony when Zach alluded to sleeping with someone.
Have a good day!
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Hey Steve!
Though I’d throw my opinion out there about what happened this week. As you said, I think that Zach has the right to go into the week with whatever expectations he wants, and also as a consenting adult, has the right to change his mind. I think he went wrong in 3 ways: telling everyone on national TV what his intentions were, which set him up for failure/judgement (he could have told the women his intentions or lack thereof privately); telling everyone that he had sex with Gabi, and telling Gabi he was going to tell the other women (if I were Gabi I would be just as upset by that as she clearly was, he took an intimate private moment and blasted it to everyone without her permission); and finally telling Kaity in the way he did. You asked for female perspectives on what we would want to happen in this scenario as Kaity….I feel like I would have to know for the sake of my marriage, but I would wait to ask until the show was over. I would ask for the truth, knowing that whatever it was I was planning to get over it because I know how the show works. A bit more extreme version of the average couple disclosing their history, which I have also done in my own marriage. Just my two cents!
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Oh boy, do I have thoughts about last night!
Obviously, I’ve never been in that position, where my life was plastered all over TV & social media…. But here are my thoughts.
First of all, I feel bad for all 3 women, for different reasons:
Ariel, for not having that follow up communication, as far as we saw/didn’t see. We don’t know if Zach went back to her at some point to tell her he broke his own actions of not wanting to have sex on overnights, but we are made to assume he didn’t talk with her afterwards.
Gabi, for basically made to feel like her experience had to be made public to the other girls.
Kaity, for made to feel like perhaps she didn’t matter enough to him to have sex with her, even though he told her he had sex with Gabi.
It’s definitely a shit show. He messed up… and it goes back to my initial thoughts of him. He’s a good listener, but terrible communicator. I think you & that psychologist you had on your podcast a few weeks ago on your podcast.
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Hi Steve,
Just want to say that I always enjoy reading your column best and have been here since Ben & Courtney’s spoilers. I find it hard to keep up on the daily podcasts but I listen when I can. Hopefully your website and column isn’t going anywhere!
I think doing the nasty in the overnight suites with whoever is just fine! Everyone is a consenting adult. Also, I think abstaining is just fine too. However, I think it’s real dumb to tell the other contestants when you’ve had sex with other women.
What Zach did was both moronic and hurtful. He could have easily kept the secret with Gabi from production and the other women or he could have told Kaity in private to give her some privacy to deal with it.
How much you want to bet the producers convinced Zach that telling Kaity at the beginning of their date, in front of the cameras would be a good idea?
Also, wtf were those weird orange things hanging in the trees?
PS I loved your Marty McFly costume!
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After listening to your podcast today, I figured I would share my two cents about bachelor/bachelorette having sex during fantasy week. I am one of those people who believes if you’re not exclusive that person has the freedom to do what they want. If they’re sleeping with other people I’m obviously going to protect myself physically, but until you’re exclusive with someone, people are feee do to what they want. Now in the context of the show, no one is technically exclusive. Slussian protocol for the show is you know what you sign up for. The lead is more than likely going to have sex with at least one of his final there. I personally wouldn’t have a problem with that unless I was the ring winner. As the ring winner, if the lead had sex with another person and didn’t have sex with me, that would bother me and cause insecurities. If they had sex with me and others, it wouldn’t bother me as much because I would know that they explored all of their options, and they still chose me in the end. I think I could get past it if I was the first one on one and they said no and then they went on to have sex with number two or three, but if they had sex with the first date and then did not have sex with me, that would be some thing I don’t know that I could get past. I would constantly wonder why me. Yes I would be the one that they proposed to but I wasn’t the one they wanted to have sex with. That would be hard for me to get past.
Sex on the overnights is up to those involved. I feel like this comes down to communication regarding if you share. Zach proclaimed unnecessarily that he wouldn’t be having sex on the overnights. Now he looks dumb because he broke his own unnecessary rule. I think volunteering the information to Kaity was selfish. The conversation should have been: “Do you want to know about my other dates?” He forced her to hear about the fact that he had sex with someone else. I think if I got engaged on the show I would want to know after the fact. I wouldn’t care if he had sex with them or want to know details but this show is very public and I wouldn’t want to be blindsided by the show or in the media. If I’m not with him at the end I care even less who he had sex with.
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Yikes, Steve! What a train wreck the Fantasy Suites episode was. Did NOT see that coming. And judging by all the uproar in social media last night, it appears that the whole world was shocked that the woman Zach had sex wit was Gabi. I wonder if there were Vegas odds? I’d have bet the house that it was Ariel, or second choice Kaity. One thing that confounds me is that Zach said that he needed to tell both women that he slept with Gabi, yet they only showed him telling Kaity. Curious as to whether he told Ariel but they just didn’t show it? What an utter jack ass he made of himself. He should have kept his mouth shut and not told the women his big plan, especially if he thought there was any chance he’d break his own rules. And, in my humble opinion, the rule of FS’s is: What happens in the fantasy suites, stays in the fantasy suites! He totally sabotaged his date with Kaity by blabbing what he did with Gabi the night before (I forget what you’ve said the timeline is between FS dates. Probably NOT the day after, correct?). I am shocked that Kaity didn’t pack her bags and leave. But, I’m guessing she’s not too happy after viewing the episode. Funny, Zach confessed to having sex with her but neglected to mention to Kaity that he told Gabi that he was falling in love with her. I would not be surprised if things are shaky next week at the taping of ATFR. No way they’ll last.
