-I can’t wait to get married someday. Really, I can’t. I’m sure it’ll be pretty special. In fact, I already know how I’m going to propose. And I’ve known for about 5 years. I just haven’t had anyone to propose to. But whenever it is, and to whoever it is, I can only hope it’ll come across as heartfelt and romantic as Matt Grant getting down on one knee asking Shayne Lamas, “Monkey, will you marry me?” He didn’t actually say that, right? Monkey? Really? Not as if we didn’t hear that word 500 other times last night but did he have to throw it in during the proposal? I was shocked. Well, I was shocked by a couple things. First off, that he was even proposing to her in the first place. And secondly, that he thought referring to her as a zoo animal would make the proposal that much more romantic. Didn’t something seem off about the whole love story between those two? The way he called her “monkey” during the proposal, and the way she was constantly telling us how much in love she was, which in essence, means she’s trying to convince herself of it too. Not that if he chose Chelsea did I think they’d be married for 50 years, but there’s not a chance in hell that Matt and Shayne walk down the aisle. No surprise there. I’m just playing the percentages, which are currently at a 0% success rate for this show. 0-for-11. And it’s only a matter of time before it’s 0-for-12.
-The funny thing is, it’s not that I’m anti-Shayne at all. I admitted earlier this season that she began to grow on me. And I wasn’t really surprised at all that she made it to the finals. I’m just surprised he picked her. It’s almost like ABC knows this relationship is going to fail as well. Last season was the first time they had ever done a 1 hr finale. And after watching the end result, we could see why. No one would want to sit through two hours to watch two girls get dumped. So this season, knowing that since the day they filmed the finale, they were getting a proposal, ABC waited until 2 weeks ago to start promoting it. For Andy’s season, from day 1, they were promoting the fact there was a proposal. For a show that has taken numerous criticisms over the years for having failed relationships, A) Why wouldn’t they start their hype machine of a proposal much earlier?, and, B) Why was the finale only an hour? Trust me, I enjoyed the fact I didn’t have to sit through 2 hours of nonsense, but, that’s just me being selfish. It all seemed a bit rushed for me. Also, the fact that we get no “After the Final Rose” where we can see these two together for the first time since the finale and dissect whether they even still like each other. Nothing. A proposal they started promoting two weeks ago, a 1 hr. finale, and no follow up to the show. But hey, at least they’re shoving DeAnna down our throats immediately beginning next week. Couldn’t wait to move on to that season. Somethings not right.
-If they’re all happy and excited they finally got a proposal, maybe they should’ve shown us more of their “love” story to make it a little bit more believable. I mean, barely five minutes each of Chelsea and Shayne meeting his family for the first time, and then barely yet another five minutes of their final time together in Barbados? And that’s supposed to convince us, coupled with everything else, that this was his choice? Especially since Matt was contradicting himself all night long with his statements. Granted, it could have easily been the editing as we clearly saw last season with Brad, but Matt specifically said on numerous occasions that this was the toughest decision he had to make, and even after his final time with Shayne, he said he still hadn’t made his decision. Then in the next breath, he’s quoted as saying these exact words:
“I never thought I’d fall in love with two women… I never thought I would so emotionally attached to two people. I’m going to have to say goodbye to one of them at the end, and regardless of what decision I make, somebody is going to get hurt. I just thought to myself who out of these two women can I see as a life-long partner. It was quite clear to me.”
Huh? So if it was quite clear to you who you could see as your life long partner, how was the decision difficult to make? Sure, you had feelings for both women (which we’ll get to in a moment), but if you knew Shayne, for God’s knows what reason, was the one you think you’ll be married to until you die, seems to me it’d be an easy decision to make. Look, it’s Matts decision, not mine. I can sit here and second guess him all day, but in the end, he went with who he felt he should be with. So be it. My whole opinion on proposing to Shayne is this: I just can’t imagine how he would think that picking a 22 year old actress who has a father that’s been divorced four times, and a mother whose had her fair share of marriges, would be a good choice. Unless he’s doing it to improve his acting career or whatever, then I don’t see it. There’s no doubt in my mind, and should be in everyone else’s mind who’s watched the show, that Shayne is going to be married two or three times in her life. Do I honestly see that girl getting married to Matt in the next couple years and staying married forever? Not a chance. I’m guessing half the people reading this column agree with me, and half of you don’t. Which is fine. That’s what makes people tune into the show. Just know that the half of you who disagree with me are wrong….ha ha.
-And I don’t really think I’m going out on a limb here saying that these two won’t make it. I mean, I do have some statistical evidence to back me up. You know, like the fact that this show has never produced a married couple yet. A whopping 0-for-11. The “Bachelorette” has gone 1-for-3, but that’s a different show since women are a little more sincere about doing the show. Except Jen Scheft. Most guys going on this show are doing it to further their career, and knowing that Matt wants to move to the U.S. to get into acting, this can only help his visibility. Notice I didn’t say credibility. I honestly don’t think Matt is all that bad a guy. I thought he came across rather normal on the show, and if you look back over the columns, I don’t really think I had many harsh words to say about him other than his fish mouth and use of the word “monkey” in the finale. So as far as “Bachelors” go, I’d say he was probably in the top five we’ve had. Of course, that’s not saying much considering some of the douche bags they’ve cast on this show. Hell, Andy Baldwin was voted most popular “Bachelor” ever and now he’s taking fake photo shoots and boinking Marla Maples. Not to mention the behind the scenes stories that surround that guy and his season. Let’s just say he wasn’t all he was cracked up to be. And the viewers voting him the most popular “Bachelor” ever pretty much showed he pulled the wool over everyone’s eyes.
-I just think that at the end of the day, in about two to three months from now, when I check one of my numerous reality TV sites one morning, I’m going to wake up, and I’ll see a headline reading something to the effect of, “Bachelor Matt Grant and Shayne call it quits”. And then in the press release, it’ll talk about how both of them still love each other, it was a tough decision to make, but in the end, once they got back to the real world, they decided they’d be better off as great friends.” Is it really impossible to see that scenario? I didn’t think so either. I mean, it’s happened eleven previous times, let’s say we make it an even dozen Matt and Shayne, whaddya’ say? Keep tradition alive.
-I feel really bad for Chelsea. No, not that she got dumped. I’m sure she’s over that by now. Hell, look at DeAnna. She was a crying bumbling mess when Brad dumped her during the finale. She was a crying bumbling mess who still hadn’t gotten over it three months later when they did the “After the Final Rose” show. And now, six months after all that, she’s apparently in love again with someone else. Go figure. Anyway, what really sucks for Chelsea is that she didn’t become Mrs. Chelsea Grant and has to remain Chelsea Wansrath. Yes, that’s her last name. Wansrath. What’s a Wansrath? Sounds like a character in the “Lord of the Rings” trilogy. She certainly doesn’t look like a Wansrath. There is a consolation for Chelsea. Matt’s brother liked her. And since that chubby Brit was into her, at least she still has a chance to be part of the Grant family. Really? That was Matt’s brother? Ummmm…was this another Meepers prank? That guy couldn’t have been any more opposite of Matt if he tried. Short and stocky with a big giant head and a goatee. I’d say he lost out in the gene pool game. Sucks for him.
-Do I have a problem with Matt telling both girls he’s in love with them? Not really. I mean, if he is and he chooses to tell them each that, then that’s his fault and he has to deal with the consequences. Obviously, if you tell two girls that, then dump one of them, that girl is going to be even more hurt than if you just said, “Hey, I like you a lot. And I liked you going pantyless on our overnight date. And I liked the hot monkey sex we had in the hotel room too. It’s just that my monkey likes to be inside a different monkey. And that monkey’s name is monkey. Monkey, monkey, monkey.” That did get a little nauseating last night, didn’t it? And for those that may have missed it, Matt calls Shayne “monkey” because he said she feels like a monkey when she’s holding on to him. Uhhhhh….ok. Considering you’re like a foot taller than her, and when she hugs you it looks like she’s hanging from a tree, yeah, I guess I can see it. Great nickname. Hilarious. You’re one clever guy. Just know that you ruined the most special moment in that girls life when you called her “monkey” during the proposal. I just hope the next guy that proposes to her (sometime next year), doesn’t do the same thing. I still can’t believe I heard that.
-I usually don’t spend time in the finale column to dissect every detail of the episode like I do for the other ones, but just a couple quick observations about the actual episode:
-Shayne mentioned to his family that she started acting at age 12 in soap operas, and now she’s worked her way up into film. So she did “General Hospital” from 2003-2006, and now she considers the role of “Red Bikini Girl” in “Endless Bummer” an actual film credit? Really? And let’s not forget she has just completed “The 13th Alley”, and is in post-production on “Deep in the Valley”. I’m gonna go out on a limb here and guess every single one of those will end up on Skin-emax late at night. Just a hunch.
-I’m sure ABC told to the parents to give conflicting opinions on who they liked. The fat, chubby Brit brother liked Chelsea. The dad liked Shayne. And the mom said her gut told her Shayne was more sincere. And even Matt chimed in with “I’m most at ease with Shayne, but I have more passion with Chelsea.” So they were doing the audience no favors by giving us that. If anything, I thought the editors tilted it in favor of him picking Chelsea last night, which isn’t surprising.
-Chelsea’s dress. Wow. Was it just me, or did that thing have a slit all the way up the front right up to her naval? And what exactly do you wear under something like that? Boy shorts? A thong? Hell if I know. But I sure would’ve loved to find out. Matt’s an idiot for not picking her just based on what she wore to the final rose ceremony. I thought she looked amazing. And I’m sure half the women out there will critique what she had on. Haters. All you women hate each other.
-Here in Dallas, during one of the commercial breaks, Lorenzo Lamas did a voice over telling us he would be appearing in the play “The Fantastiks” at some local theatre for only “one week in June. So get your tickets now.” “The Fantastiks”? Isn’t that a Disney movie for kids? Look Lorenzo, I don’t know why you think we give two sh**s about you anymore just because we’re watching your daughter on TV. What a pimp. Go away. I’m not going to see your stupid play.
-So that’s pretty much it for this season of the “Bachelor”. I guess we’ll see how it plays out, but I wouldn’t get your hopes up for any sort of wedding plans anytime soon. So what’s the best thing about this season that I can remember? Well, that’s easy. On March 15th, two days before this season started, I adopted my dog Maddie from the Humane Society. And it’s been the best purchase I’ve ever made. I’ve promised you all pictures since the beginning of the season, now here they are. So not just for me, but for all of you readers of this column, “The Bachelor - Season 12″ should be remembered as the “Season of Maddie”. That’s how I’ll remember it. We return next week immediately as DeAnna searches to find love in her recently trimmed down new body with less junk in the trunk. Until next week…..Enjoy.
The Bachelor Links
May 13th, 2008
-Since the “Women Tell All” episodes usually produces my shortest column of the season, let’s get to a couple things first. I think I might have more non-”Bachelor” stuff in this weeks column than an actual recap of the show. If you didn’t see it, you missed NOTHING other than Matt has joined the “Since I’m British, I guess I should shave my head like Beckham” club. You can see that all is well with the site and it’s back up and running like a normal website should. Thank you Word Press. And once again, go screw yourself Blogger. I think I like the white background better than the blue anyway. Seems a little easier to read. I spent some time this weekend manually putting in old archives one by one. So as you can see in the right hand column, the last three seasons of the Bachelor are all there, along with last seasons “Dr. Reality Steve”, and a couple years worth of “Reality Roundup” columns, which equates to about eight of them. There are still other archived seasons of the “Bachelor” that I need to get to, and those will be done in the coming weeks. I also added links of the websites I pretty much look at every single day, numerous times. If I don’t check those sites like every 10 minutes, I feel like I have no idea what’s going on in the world. Yes, it’s gotten that bad.
-I figured that since I’m still working on the format of the webpage and the layout on how its going to look, I’d have some extra time between the end of this season and the beginning of the “Bachelorette”. Ummmmm, apparently not. I knew Deanna’s season was going to air in the summer, I just didn’t realize ABC isn’t skipping a beat and is gonna start it the week after this one ends. That’s the first time in history they’ve done that. Back to back seasons with no break? Are you kidding me? That might be a little overkill. Then again, this show is one giant overkill since it’s the same thing over and over and over. Now, the “Bachelorette” is a different animal because it’s the only season that’s produced a marriage. And Meredith and Ian lasted a good two years before they broke up. Jen Scheft? Not so much. I think she hated every guy on her season. But hey, last time I checked, a 33% success rate is better than a 0% success rate. And from rumblings I’ve already heard, Deanna finds her man and falls in love. And we’ll get appearances from Jenni and Ellen Degeneres at some point.
-I needed to talk about a show that I ended up catching yesterday on MTV. I’ve seen it numerous times before, and may have even mentioned it in this column, but yesterday took the cake, so I figured I’d tell you about it. “Next” is probably one of the most insane shows on television right now. I can’t believe how poorly scripted and acted it is, yet I’m mesmerized every time it comes on since every contestant on that show is a whore - man or woman. Every guy on there talks about his junk, and every girl talks about either her rack, her ass, or what she can do with her mouth. It’s a half hour of sexual innuendos - and it’s awesome. One guy goes on a date with 5 women one at a time. At any point during the date, if he doesn’t like her, he “nexts” her, and the next girl comes off the bus. And they also do the one girl and five guys date. The best part of the show is the introductions when the children of our future tell us a scripted one-liner about themselves. I tivo’ed yesterday’s episode just so you could get the full grasp on where we’ve come as a society that this show airs in about a 4 hour block of nonstop episodes every morning. Here’s how the five guys introduced themselves yesterday:
“I’m Dan, I’m 22. I’m good with kids….but I’m better at makin’ them.” Sure Dan. Because at 22, your level of maturity and experience totally outdoes anyone else.
“I’m Rick, I’m 20. I’m a future FBI agent and I hope this girl’s lookin’ to get tapped.” He’s going to wire tap her? Huh? What’s the…..oh. I get it. He’s gonna tap that ass. Thanks for the heads up Rick.
“I’m Kevin, I’m 23. And my nickname is rooster cuz I have one hell of a ‘cock-a-doodle-doo’”. Shocker, this guy was black.
“I’m Tarynn, I’m 19. And if this girl’s fine, I might just tear into that booty.” I’m convinced that’s not even his real name. They just used that so the writers could work in “tear into that booty”. Never heard a guy named Tarynn.
“I’m Ryan, I’m 19. I work at an auto parts care store, so you know I can work on some muffler.” Kinda didn’t make any sense Ryan. Must’ve been that writers first day on the job.
By the way, the chick ended up choosing Kevin because he was a personal trainer, did a strip tease. Probably had nothing to do with anything else either. And if that wasn’t bad enough, here’s what 3 of the 5 girls had to say in their introductions on the next date. The other two were twins and amazingly stayed away from the sexual innuendos.
“I’m Courtney, I’m 19. And no guy can say “next” to this waitresses big tips”(as she grabbed both of her breasts). Fascinating Courtney. I’m sure you’re well respected at your work.
“I’m Crissy, I’m 19. And you know what they say about us small town girls - we’re horny.” I didn’t realize that was the stereotype of small town girls. Her writer really must’ve run out of things to come up with.
“I’m Reva, I’m 19. And I’ve been a cheerleader since I was 3. Oh how my pom poms have grown” (as she grabbed both of her breasts). Yep, this is how teenagers act and speak nowadays. Their parents must be proud. And you know what the worst part of all this is? I’ll probably watch another couple episodes today if I’m bored. It’s that much a train wreck to pass up. Hmmmmm…..what would I say if I went on there even though I’m about 12 years past the age limit on this show? I think I got it. In true “Next”-speak:
I’m Steve, I’m 32. And I love to write ladies, so maybe if youre lucky, I’ll dip my pen in your ink.
That’s sure to get me laid, no?
-I am beyond proud to announce to those that haven’t heard, VH1 is following in MTV’s footsteps by creating a “RW/RR Challenge” type show of their own. Except their show will use cast members from “Rock of Love”, “Flavor of Love”, and “I Love NY”. It debuts July 13th, which means, I will book nothing on my calendar that day. Are you kidding me? You’ve seen how wild ass the “RW/RR Challenge” shows get? Just imagine that show on crack, and that’s what “I Love Money” will be. I cannot wait for this. According to the press release, “I Love Money”….
“….will follow 17 contetants from either of the three aforementioned “Celebreality” shows, as they travel to Mexico, where they’ll live together and compete in various challenges that test their desire to get rich quick. The sole winner will receive $250,000.”
The only thing I won’t be familiar with is the contestants from “Flavor of Love” and “I Love NY” since I never really paid attention to those. Let’s just hope most of the people cast are from the first two seasons of “Rock of Love”. Now that’s entertaining television. What we saw last night was crap. And nothing I hadn’t heard or read before. Let’s get to it.
-In case you didn’t notice, the “Women Tell All” episode has really slipped in past seasons. Last season they didn’t even do one because they had to do an “After the Final Rose” which was awesome. But honestly, last night, there was zero drama, zero scandal, barely any cat fighting, and most of the show was replaying stuff we’ve already seen. So I only have a few tidbits from last night before I get into more good juicy stuff about myself you’re dying to hear about. That’s coming later.
-These shows always remind me how forgettable about 80% of the women who appear on this show are. They had 15 women show up last night, and I think only half of them spoke. Amy, Erin S., Stacy, Erin H., Kelly, Carri, Michele R., Kristine, Michelle P., Holly, Robin, Marshana, Ashleelee, Noelle, and Amanda. I don’t think Noelle spoke the whole night, and neither did Ashleelee. And those were 2 of the final 6. And why was that? Because ABC somehow thought we cared about seeing Marshana flap her gums onstage for seemed like eternity. Ok, bad choice of words. But you get what I’m saying. They dedicated the first segment to Stacy the drunk and her “Here Matt, take my panties so you’ll remember me for the Rose Ceremony tonight” moment. So what’d she have to say for herself? “I’m embarrassed. That’s not me. I’m a really nice girl.” Oh god, please. Look, you did it, own up to it. You’re telling me the first time you ever decided to slip a guy a pair of your panties was on a nationally televised show? Sure it was. Have another red bull and vodka, Stacy. And your parents called. They said to never contact them again.
-Robin was first up in the hot seat. I guess she overslept and was running late for the show since she showed up in her nightgown that barely hung down past her naval. Geez Robin. You know Matt is taken now. He’s not really looking at you anymore in that crazy, psychopath, stalking way you look at him. Robins explanation for her piss poor behavior on the show? “I’ve been hurt a lot by women. A lot more than by men. So I guess it’s just a defense mechanism.” Maybe because you’re such a beyotch around women is why they hurt you. Or maybe truly deep down inside, you enjoy women’s company. And their soft caress. And their supple breasts. This is beginning to sound like a romance novel. “As Robin gazed lovingly into Chelsea’s eyes, her heart pounding inside her chest, as she nervously attempts to tell Chelsea how she really feels. Robin takes Chelsea’s warm firm hands into her own, presses them up against her curvaceous breastseseseses, and romantically leans in and rams her tongue down Chelsea’s esophagus.” Whew. Getting hot in here. Maybe that’s my second calling? Romance novels.
-Robin also felt something on this show that she’s never felt before. Other than, of course, the love for another woman. “I don’t think I’ve ever been truly hated before this.” Yet again, my guess is you have. If you’ve already admitted you’ve been hurt by women before, I’m guessing at some point they hated you. For being a troll. And in a way, I feel bad for Robin in the sense that there are plenty of factions in America that protest against trolls. That’s just wrong. Even trolls have feeling too, you know. Speaking of weird looking creatures, Marshana said she seemed to have the biggest problem with Robin. Marshana: “I thought you were intentionally mean to me.” Yes, she probably was Marshana. And you know why? Because you’re a giant drama queen who probably should’ve been cast for “Flavor of Love” and not this show. But hey, who am I to judge? I might be the only person out there who thinks that way about you. Ha ha….not quite.
-Marshana is next up in the hot seat and basically tries to explain her behavior. All I saw was a lot of head bobbing and finger waving, and I pretty much tuned out from there. I did hear her say that she felt “Robin had an attitude of superiority to me”. Translation: She thought she was better than me cuz she’s white. And we all know the track record of sisters on this show. It ain’t all that and a bag a chips. Ya hear? Oh, no you dih-int. Good Lord. I was SHOCKED that the race card didn’t come out after that statement. SHOCKED. I was fully expecting a race riot to break out on stage last night as basically we knew what Marshana was getting at with that line. Good thing Host Chris stepped in and prevented that from happening. I knew they paid him handsomely for something. I’m telling you, if I were ever about to get my ass kicked, you ask me who the one guy I’d want to have my back, it’s Chris Harrison. He’s one mean lookin’ S.O.B. Ha….A Frenchman carrying a bouquet of roses and a puppy while sliding down a rainbow looks more menacing than Host Chris.
-There was one catfight last night, if you want to call it that. It was just one line spewed out by Marshana (shocker, I know) that made the audience go, “Ooooooohhhhhhh”. Here was an exchange between Robin and Marshana.
Marshana: “I can handle the criticism.”
Robin: “But you can’t.”
Marshana: “Robin, you are dismissed.”
What? No, “Walk off!!!!…Walk off!!!!…Walk off!!!!…Walk off!!!!” You’re dismissed? Are you her teacher? And considering the argument pretty much went nowhere after that statement, it showed how annoying Marshana is. She has these phrases that no one else uses, and she uses them at the most inopportune times. Let’s just say, I’m glad we’ve seen the last of Marshana.
-Amanda was the last one up in the hot seat. One thing I always do during the season, is read all the girls exit interviews they do with the media after their episode airs. You can find them on www.realitytvworld.com usually on Wednesday or Thursday on the week they’re eliminated. I have it linked over in the right hand column. Anyway, one things I read during Amanda’s interview that I couldn’t believe she didn’t bring up last night was the main reason behind pulling her prank. She told the interviewer she did it because her parents live in such a small town in Tallahassee, there would be nothing to do there. Apparently the town only has one stoplight. So she figured she’d spice things up and play the prank. I guess I can kinda understand that, but why wouldn’t she tell most of the audience who didn’t know that story yet about that being part of the reason?
-Apparently Meepers still doesn’t get why she was eliminated. “I’m just as confused now as when I left….Why didn’t he show any concerns with me?…I thought we were going to get engaged. I really did.” Wow. Delusional, this girl is. Is it possible he just didn’t like you as a future wife? Is that ok? I mean, he had to get rid of somebody. And maybe he didn’t show concerns towards you but did towards Shayne and Chelsea. Doesn’t mean you were the one for him? I’m shocked at how some of these women can’t come to grips with the fact that because they didn’t get chosen, they completely are left in the cold as to why. So Matt comes out, Meepers asks him why, and he basically says because the word “like” came out of her mouth more than “love” did. So there Amanda. Take that. Because you didn’t pretend that you fell in love with some British import in 6 weeks, you got sent home. Trust me Meeps, I think you’ll be better off for it. You didn’t want to marry this guy anyway. He’s douchey.
-Amanda says the one thing she learned out of all this was that “people need to know that you like them. And I need to know if they like me.” Wow. What a novel concept. You mean you had to go on this show to figure that out? Normally when you like a guy, you don’t tell him? And you play that stupid game of “Well, I like you, but I’m not gonna act like I like you, cuz then it’ll seem to easy, and god forbid, we have any of that”? Good one, Amanda. Now you have your answer as to why you’re single. Well, that and the fact your family seems to be living the life of “Little House and the Prairie”. One stoplight? Really? I couldn’t fathom living in a town that small with that little to do. I’d go crazy.
-So other than a few outtakes of bloopers we didn’t see, that was the whole show. See? Told you that you missed nothing? I think they should just eliminate this show altogether and just always do an “After the Final Rose” show with the final two girls and have them duke it out. Especially have the Bachelor and the one he chose making out and holding hands right in front of the one that was scorned. That would make for great television. Especially next week. Like say Chelsea changes out of her dress like she did on the fantasy date, but Shayne is forced to sit there and watch while Matt and Chelsea grope each other. Who wouldn’t watch that?
-A couple last notes to get to. I was at a restaurant the other day, one I frequent at least 3 or 4 times a week for lunch. Anyway, a waitress that I’d never had before, saw my water glass was empty, and the only thing she said to me was, “Would you like me to top you off, sir?” I couldn’t help but laugh to myself. I nodded my head and said yes, but I really think I should’ve made the situation a little more uncomfortable by responding with, “You mean here? I would think the bathroom is a more appropriate place, don’t you?’ I’m sure that wouldn’t have embarrassed her much. I don’t think a waitress has ever said that to me at a restaurant before. Especially not when she doesn’t say anything before it or after it. Just a, “Would you like me to top you off, sir?” and leaves. Maybe it’s because my mind is in the gutter all day is why I find that so funny. I had lunch there yesterday, and a guy served me. I’m glad he didn’t ask the same question. I might’ve spit up my food.
-Remember for “Dr. Reality Steve” started I used to re-print “Dear Abby” questions from the LA Times that I had read over lunch and answered them in my own way? Well, I’m thinking of maybe doing that again on occasion. When I was in LA the other week, I kept the “Calendar” section because of this one particular question asked by a reader. This was awesome. This makes me wish I could do this as a second job. So this was actually in the “Ask Amy” part. I think Amy emailed me onetime after a re-printed one of her letters. Anyway, here it was from April 28th:
Dear Amy,
I have found the love of my life. He is amazing and wonderful. We are only 21 and don’t plan on marrying until we graduate from college - and then we have to find jobs and plan for a wedding. It will probably be three or more years until we marry.
The thing is, I’m Catholic and promised myself I wouldn’t have sex until marriage, but I really want to share that experience with my boyfriend.
I feel so conflicted. My family would be so disappointed if I had sex before marriage. I know I should feel that God wants me to wait. It is just hard because sex is so prevalent.
My boyfriend has been great and says he can wait, but sometimes we both have a weak moment and have come close. I don’t know what to do.
Conflicted Catholic
Well, well, well. Little jail bait wants to give it up but promised she’d wait. Immediately my first response to this was, “I guarantee this girls already had sex.” She’s just looking to justify her doing it when she promised herself she wouldn’t until marriage. We both have had “weak moments” and have “come close”. So she’ll do everything else, but not sex? Uh huh. Sure she hasn’t. Look “Conflicted Catholic”, hear me out. I’m Catholic. And I’ve had sex before marriage. And so should you. There. Now be on your merry way and you can thank me later. Man, that felt good. I should be like a Youth Ministry leader or something. I think I’d set a good example to our youth of today. I mean, would it really matter if she listened to me anyway? Look at what the rest of our teenagers are saying on MTV to each other. This girl will be on drugs or pregnant by 24. Just a prediction.
-Anyway, that’s all for this week. Bear with me as I’m still tinkering with things on the site. We want to replace the ads that were on the old Blogger, maybe figure out an easier way to navigate around, although right now, it looks pretty easy to me. Just click on the past columns you want to read. But it looks like for the time being, no more technical glitches and the column will be up and ready to go every Tuesday. I still can’t believe we don’t get a break in between seasons. Oh well. That means more of me in your lives for the next couple months. You should be ecstatic. Any emails, questions, comments, praises, criticisms, thoughts on the new site, feel free to email me at steve@realitysteve.com. Until next week….
The Bachelor Links
May 6th, 2008
Yes, we have finally decided to get a divorce from Blogger. They were giving me too much of a hassle over these last couple weeks, so I‘ve decided to go with Word Press. Obviously, I wanted to get the column up as quick as possible, so I didn‘t have time to mess around with the settings or create the page how I wanted it to look. So bear with me on the comments section, I don‘t think it works right now. (UPDATE: Yes it does. Comment away as you please). And as for the archive section, that‘s gonna take a while to upload everything, but I‘ll work on it once this season is over. By the time Deannas Bachelorette season rolls around, I should have this all figured out. Until then, just know the column will be back up Tuesday mornings for the rest of this season (all 2 episodes of it), as usual. All I do know is I’m done with Blogger. F*** you, Blogger. Good riddance. Enjoy the column.
-Never will I ever give Time Warner Cable credit for being clever about anything, but last night, maybe they should get a little pub. If you recorded the “Bachelor” on Tivo, the episode description they gave was lame and generic. Like it is every week. Yet somehow, Time Warner Cable has hired somebody with half a brain to write their episode descriptions. Could I have done better? Please. I was born to write stuff like that. But for a novice, I think that intern did OK last night. Here is, word for word, the episode description for last nights “Bachelor” on Time Warner Cable:
“Matt accompanies Amanda, Chelsea, and Shayne to Barbados for outdoor adventures and (he hopes) overnight romance in his “fantasy suite.” The outdoor part (jet skiing, zip lining, and swimming with turtles) is exhilarating.”
Not bad. He hopes? No, he knows there will overnight romance. And hot, monkey sex if he’s lucky. Was the jet skiing and turtle swimming and zip lining really “exhilarating”? Something tells me intern boy was trying to show a little sarcasm there. Because those dates were quite boring for a “fantasy” date. Barbados was cool. But I wouldn’t call anything they did overly exciting or original. We’ve seen better, ABC. C’mon. Can we at least get them swimming with dolphins and not turtles? Turtles? They’re dumb. And ugly. There, I said it. Burn on them.
-Shayne’s date is up first as she and Matt are gonna go jet skiing. So immediately they get into their bathing suits, and apparently Shayne stole her niece’s onesie to wear into the water. What the hell was that? Not a good look. Especially when she doesn’t particularly have the body to fill one of those out. But since neither of them cared what I thought, before splashing around in the water, they decided to jump on trampolines. Usually a rockin’ good time. But it was definitely enhanced with Shayne in her bikini since she decided that while in the air, it’d be a good idea to do the splits, giving Matt a wonderful view of her nether regions. I think he even commented on it. Went something like this, “Waaaaaa….oooohhhh….ugggghhhh…..yummmmmmmmy.” Yeah, that’s what I thought too. Keep your pants on buddy, this thing’s just getting started. There are few combos you can never go wrong with in this world, and one of them is girls and trampolines. Is there anything negative about that? Didn’t think so.
-At dinner, Matt asks the question I think all of us have about Shayne: How much is a blonde act and how much is intelligence? Shayne’s response: “I love being blonde. I’ve been blonde since I was 12. As far as politics, I’m smart. I know what’s going on in the world.” Hmmmm, considering she didn’t give us any evidence to back up this statement, I’ll withhold judgment on that one. Quick Shayne, who’s on the cover of “Time” magazine this week? No, it’s not Angelina Jolie. That’s “OK!” magazine. Call me crazy, but I’m guessing Shayne would be able to tell me absolutely nothing about the current presidential race. Or about the education problem in the U.S. Or anything that doesn’t appear in “US Weekly” or MTV. That’s ok Shayne. Being smart isn’t all its cracked up to be. I’m a genius, and look where it’s gotten me.
-So once Matt decided that Shayne had the brain of an acorn, they started talking about more important things. Like kissing. Matt brought up the conversation he had with Shayne’s mom about being married to a celebrity and having to deal with them kissing another man onscreen. First off Matt, you’re not marrying Shayne. Secondly, she’s far from what I’d consider a “celebrity”. So no need to worry there. Even Shayne agrees that that’s totally overrated. “Kissing somebody onscreen is anything but romantic.” She explains how everything is scripted and that no tongue is ever involved. Huh? Yeah maybe in the last “Saved by the Bell” episode you saw. Not in the movies, sweetcakes. I’ve seen “Basic Instinct”. There was more tongue in that movie than you’d see in a delicatessen. And that’s just the first movie that came to mind. I don’t know what acting school Shayne’s attending, but she’s getting ripped off. Kissing has no tongue onscreen? Uhhh, ok. I think Brett Michaels and every “Bachelor” would disagree.
-It is now that time. That time in the “Bachelor” season where the final three women, because they’re on an overnight fantasy date in an exotic location, convince themselves they’re feeling something more special for someone they just met a month ago than could possibly be the case. Shayne tells Matt she’s falling in love with him. Barf. Matt responds with, “I’m falling for you too. I love…..being with you.” Ooooohhhhh!!!! So close. Yet so far. It’s always seconds before they know they’re gonna get the fantasy suite scripted card from Host Chris that the women decided to break out the “I’m falling in love with you card”. Because as you know, what they’re really trying to say is: “At least if I tell you I’m falling in love with you, even though that’s utterly ridiculous and totally not the case - I’m just playing this love story up for the camera - it won’t make me look nearly as bad once we go back up to the room for hot, monkey sex. It’ll seem like a perfect way to cap off the night of me lying to you. I can lie about being in love, and you can lie about ever calling me again after we go make babies.”
-It’s time for the fantasy suite invitation, sponsored by Host Chris. I can see this year is no different from the last twelve - other than the location was crossed out from last year, and “Barbados” was written in. “Matt and Shayne…..welcome to the beautiful island of Barbados. If you choose to forgo your individual rooms, you can use this key to spend the night together as a couple, right here in the Villas fantasy suite. We’ve provided all the amenities necessary as the toys are in the nightstand, and the rubbers are in a shoebox under the bed.” Rubbers. That’s just funny to say. Rubbers. I can’t remember the last time I even called them that. Maybe I’ll start that trend up again to give something completely uncomfortable and awkward a lighter tone to it. How about we just call them balloons? That’s essentially what they are. Except they’re a little sturdier. Supposedly. Of course, in my case, I usually just rip……forget it.
-Here’s what I’ve decided about the overnight fantasy dates. I’ve noticed the last few seasons, the three girls all end up going to the same location for the overnight dates. In the past, wasn’t it usually each girl went to a different place? I know they did that for at least a few seasons, right? Anyway, my point being, now that all the girls are in Barbados this time, I think the same bedroom should’ve been used for all three overnights. Of course, you wouldn’t tell the women this, but it sure would be entertaining for the viewers. Matt and Shayne do their thing on the bed, Shayne gets up and leaves the next morning to check into another room, then while Matt and Amanda are on their date, housekeeping comes in, throws new rose petals on the ground, vacuums the floor, throws out the garbage, and cleans up the place to make it look like no one’s been there. Except you keep the same sheets. And Amanda gets to use a black light before hopping into bed with Matt so she can see exactly what went on. Oh wait, hotels already do that. Never mind. I would love to own a black light and take it on my next vacation with me. I think I’d be able to find living organisms swimming around in the sheets if I looked close enough.
-Next up, time for Amanda’s date. She arrives on the beach wearing an interesting combination of blue plaid shorts and green tank top, further proving that not only are her parents mute, but they dress her funny. Doesn’t bother Matt in the least bit. “You look haaaaaa!” You look what, Matt? Haaaaa? Do you people not pronounce your “t’s” over there. The correct word would be “hot”. It’s like he starts saying “hot”, then someone cuts him off. I hated his pronunciation in case you couldn’t tell. So these two start out their day by zip lining in the jungle. This is a staple for ABC anytime the overnight date is in an exotic location. Off the top of my head, I’d say we’ve at least seen zip lining 3 or 4 times on this show before. And each time it was the same thing. The girl is scared to do it, big burly Bachelor guy tells her everything will be ok, gives her a hug, and sends her on her way. And when she’s done, he’s waiting there for her to give her a big hug and say, “Wow! You did great! Nice job, honey!” Only in Matt’s case, I think he gave Amanda some sort of head butt as a sign of affection. Stupid Brits.
-Before Amanda and Matt sit down for dinner and she shows us why she got dumped, she has this important thing to say about relationships. “The sexiest part of dating someone is being able to sit and have amazing conversation.” Ummmm, it is? Uhhhh, ok. Whatever you say, Amanda. Totally with you on that one. (“Cuck-koo, Cuck-koo”). And with the fantasy suite card in play tonight, the Meeps already has this on her mind. “I wanna go to the fantasy suite, but I don’t think he does.” Hey Meeps, let me share something with you. Unless you have a third eye, or maybe the sex drive of a pencil sharpener, Matt is going to offer you the fantasy suite card. You know why? Because he’s a guy. And he has a penis. That’s why. Now whether you choose to give up the ass to him is your own decision, but judging by how flustered you were after the rose ceremony, I think we all kinda know the answer to that question. You gave it up and he dumped you, and now you feel like crap. It happens. Boys will be boys. Hey, Brett Michaels did it to Daisy and broke her poor little heart too. Don’t feel so bad. I think it’ll make you a stronger woman in the end. And not emotionally scarred at all.
-Ok, so I knew a month ago that Chelsea was one of the final two girls this season. You’re welcome for me keeping my mouth shut. So going into this episode, I was really paying attention to Shayne and Amanda’s date because I wanted to see if there was anything that stood out which would make one look better than the other. Well, Shayne did the splits in the air on a trampoline in her onesie, and Meepers opened her mouth and went on this diatribe at dinner: (Yes, I rewound the Tivo and transcribed this word for word. Pardon if the punctuation is off. This chick never took a breath it seemed like during this whole speech)
“Like, I know I have, like a major problem with, like, expressing emotions. I don’t wanna be like that, especially with you. And I don’t want you to think that it’s you, cuz it’s not (Uh oh….it’s the “It’s not you, it’s me” line). I don’t want to lose you because I can’t open up to you, and, cuz now I feel like, I like have these emotions, I know how much I like you and like, I sit at home and am like, “Oh my God, you know, like, I’m totally falling for this guy”, but I feel like you probably don’t know that because every time I’m around you, you’re like, “Say something”, and I’m just, like, talking about something so stupid, and like I know I’m doing it, I’m like, “Amanda stop”, but like……
Holy sh**! Yes, Amanda please stop. I’m about to put my face through a glass table. Even typing that whole speech I was getting the shakes. And you think I’m kidding? It took me a good five minutes to go back and transcribe that thing word for word. So all of you that were surprised he kept Shayne over Amanda, and maybe were totally caught off guard….I give you Exhibit A. Wow. Has anyone in this show’s history put their foot in their mouth by something they said more than Amanda just did? I bet she cringed just watching that back. I know I did.
-After that whole debacle, Amanda tried to recover and save face by throwing in, “I feel like you’re the guy I could be with forever. I really don’t wanna see you not be in my life.” I’m guessing the damage had already been done, and this was just said to justify the sex later, but I get impression that Amanda hasn’t had many boyfriends in her life. Seems like she’s a tad naïve and scared when it comes to dating. Just a hunch. Of course, Matt had a fantasy suite card to give out and he wasn’t about to let some incoherent babbling with 500 “likes” thrown in prevent him from getting some. And Amanda is thrilled she got the fantasy suite invitation since she questioned whether she would earlier. I mean, really thrilled. “I was really excited he pulled it out and offered it.” I bet you were, sweetie. I bet you were. And what did you do with his “offer”? Or maybe I should ask, where did you put his “offer”? I’m going to hell.
-Commercial. Wow. I think this is the first time I’ve talked about a commercial this season. Might be the last couple seasons. Why? Well, for the time first time in a while, I didn’t have to work on a Monday night, so I actually watched the show live. Normally I just skip through all commercials when I get home. And I had to mention this commercial I saw which I found fascinating - and it was like the third bra commercial that aired during this weird 52 minute episode. Why did the show start at :08 past the hour? Anyway, what’s this “Dream Angels Memory Fit Bra” by Victoria’s Secret? Sounds really high tech if you ask me. So it’s like those pillows that fit the shape of your head? So next time you put on your bra, it feels the exact same as it did when you last had it on? I’m fascinated by this. You women are so lucky to have little gadgets like these. Water bras, Miracle bras, Dream Angels bras….I can only imagine what’s coming next. How about instead of giving women 1,500 different bras to choose from, we start paying our teachers more and build up our education system? That’s my political stance for the day. Made me sound intelligent. And like I really cared.
-Next up is Chelsea’s date which was obviously heavily edited. I think the editing with Chelsea was done on purpose to make you think he wasn’t going to pick her. They hadn’t really had any chemistry problems until what we saw on Monday. And in case you didn’t notice, her date got two segments, whereas Shayne and Amanda only got one before going to commercial. They tried to play it up like Chelsea was going home, so they took the worst footage of their date they could, spliced it up, and made it seem like they had no chemistry. Not the first time they’ve done that, and certainly won’t be the last. They obviously had chemistry or else he wouldn’t have picked her for the final two. Couldn’t fool me, ABC.
-But of course, for the first half of the date before commercial, you’d think that these two were as compatible as Marissa Jaret Winokur and a salad. Don’t ask where that came from. I just finished watching “Dancing with the Stars” and I noticed she seems like she likes to eat. And probably not salads. Hence the reason for the metaphor. Bear with me people. Anyway, Chelsea and Matt’s date sucks so far since she’s acting like she wouldn’t touch him with a ten foot pole. And when he grabs her hand, she responds with, “The whole crossing the fingers thing….that’s stupid.” Matt now tells us this is the “worst date”. Especially after he tells us, “I had the most amazing time touching the turtle….and Chelsea wouldn’t come close to me. I had better eye contact with the turtle than I did with Chelsea.” Hey, in some countries, that’s considered foreplay. Look Matt, I know you’re struggling with Chelsea being aloof, and the dates not going like you planned (I.e.- you haven’t shoved your tongue down her throat yet), but give it time. My guess is tonight, in the fantasy suite, you’ll get a nice surprise from Chelsea. Here’s a hint: She pulls an Ambre from “Rock of Love”.
-So at dinner, I guess since Chelsea realizes she was a lump on a log earlier in the day, she might as well make it up to him. And by golly she does wearing the most cleavage revealing sundress I’ve ever seen. Thumbs up for her. But of course, Matt throws a wet blanket on the cleavage party she’s throwing by bringing up what happened earlier. Booooooooooo. “If there was a Bachelor for the best friend, you would’ve won.” Ouch. That probably didn’t feel too good. And probably played a role in her strip tease later on in the evening. “Oh yeah. Best friend, huh? I’ll show him. Cameraman, follow me into my bedroom as I slowly strip down into nothing but a black dress. And make sure you catch me as I’m slowly taking off my boy shorts and throwing them on the ground too.” Aaaaaaannnnnnd scene! Good job Chelsea. Make-up wants you in their trailer pronto.
-Let’s cut right to the chase. Chelsea tells him she’s “very disturbed there are other girls here”, and that she just wants to “be with Matt and Matt alone.” This leads to a fantasy suite invitation, she says yes, they go upstairs, they start kissing, and she tells him to hold on because she’s got a surprise. And boy does she ever. Probably the single greatest move in “Bachelor” history during the overnight dates. She undresses for the camera so we get to see her from the back. I was hoping she’d turn around and face the camera so we could see everything. Ummmmm, no such luck. She strips out of her sundress, puts on some black see through nightgown thingy, goes pantyless, and basically invites Matt into her va-jay-jay. We have a winner, ladies and gentleman! They go off and hump while I go take a cold shower. That was hot, I’m sorry. Most women watching probably were calling her a slut, or a whore, or trashy…whatever. That’s your opinion. I think any guy watching was adjusting his shorts during that scene. We like it when are women are sexy.
-Onto the rose ceremony where Matt thought someone invited him to a beach party. Really Matt? The cotton shirt with the sleeves rolled up, Dockers, and some sandals? That’s the appropriate attire for elimination day? Some respect you have. I know you were on the beach, but I didn’t seen the ladies dressed like they were heading to the lake for the day. Very unimpressed. Just get to your rambling. “I might sound comfortable and confident….I’m a wreck….losing someone close….hurts like hell inside….and these Jesus cruisers I have on my feet are bothering the crap out of me.”
Shayne: I think the mid-air splits in the onesie did it for her. Did for me.
Chelsea: I think we all know what did it for her. Letting him remove her dress with his teeth. And the sex.
Even though we were able to see exactly why Amanda got sent home, apparently she wasn’t. She’s never heard herself talk before. Matt tells her that he had a closer connection with the other two. But once he started laying out all the compliments of how great she is and yada yada yada, she called him a douche bag, and ABC bleeped it out. You can’t say douche bag on television? Why not? Even if it’s true? Whatever the case, Amanda is gone, and that keeps the “Bachelors” streak intact of no girl who’s ever received the first impression rose has ended up being the final girl. And I don’t know if they’ve even gotten to the final two. Weird dynamic going on there. Stay away from the first impression roses, ladies. It’s a death trap.
-Well, I’m glad the column finally got up. Not only has Blogger been screwing me the last couple weeks, but last Tuesday, the hard drive on my computer fried, so I basically was computer-less for the most part over the last 7 days. Just got it back yesterday, and not everything got saved. My Itunes is all jacked up, my “favorites” list is all out of order, and now come this morning, my email isn’t working great. Some emails I’m getting, some I’m not. Basically, my world has been turned upside down over the last week. I didn’t realize how lost I am without having access to the internet 24/7 until this past week. I felt naked. Like I had no idea what was happening in the world. Kinda like Shayne.
-Anyway, the site should be good for the next couple weeks. We’ll tweak with things here and there, and hopefully by the time Deanna’s seasons rolls around, everything will be good to go. Any questions, comments, thoughts on the new page you have, feel free to email me at steve@realitysteve.com. If I don’t get back to you right away, probably means I didn’t get it and its lost in cyber space somewhere. Until next week….
The Bachelor Links
April 29th, 2008
Just so you know, this column was done yesterday morning at 8:00am. I have no idea why Blogger wouldn’t let me upload it on my page until now. And I have no idea what it’s going to do next week. So let’s enjoy this while we can, finish out this season, then by next season, I’m dumping Blogger and the website will be better than it was before. Thanks for your patience. We’ll just have to keep our fingers crossed and hope this doesn’t happen again next week. Enjoy the column.
-You’d probably expect me to start out this column with a quick summary of the “Rock of Love” reunion show. And you’d be right. Just know that I was extremely disappointed because if there is a reunion show edited more than the “Women Tell All”, it’s this one. It was almost nauseating how many things were cut off in that show. It almost seems like the unedited version would’ve been much more entertaining to watch. The only interesting thing that happened on the reunion was Heather and Daisys beatdown, and we saw that in the previews the previous week. And oh yeah, Brett telling us he slept with Daisy the night before he eliminated her. Awesome. There’s two ways to look at that. Either he really hadn’t made up his mind who to choose and wanted to see if laying pipe to her would help make his decision easier, or, he did what 99% of guys in America would do. I’m guessing it was the latter. The guy knew he could get laid, so he did. Not the first time it’s ever happened, and it certainly won’t be the last. And I fully expect to see a “Rock of Love 3” in the near future.
-Took Maddie to a dog park for the first time this weekend. She really seemed to like it. Very few times has she been outside and off her leash, so even though some of the other dogs freaked her out, I think she had a good time. Well, I’d say that only one of the other dogs freaked her out. How do I know this? Because on three different occasions he tried to have sex with her. Apparently Maddie was the Paris Hilton of the dog park on Sunday. I have no idea what kind of dog this was that was trying to hump dog. A horn dog I guess. Ha ha….get it? Horn dog? Trying to backdoor Maddie? I kill myself sometimes. All I know was his name was “Baxter”, since his owner couldn’t stop yelling his name every time got up on his hind legs and started thrusting. Hey Baxter, quit trying to screw my dog. She’s very much a prude and not into you. She ain’t giving it up to your horny ass. Maddie’s fixed, so I don’t have anything to worry about in that area, but, it was still embarrassing to watch. Control your dog, sir. Seeing how bothered I got when Baxter the sex fiend even approached Maddie, I can’t wait til I have a daughter. I’m sure I’ll be doing background checks on every guy she’s interested in.
-On a side note, I just want to mention that yesterday around 3:00, the power went out in my apartment. Figured it was just temporary and would come back on, but when it didn’t after two hours, I called the electric company and they told me a power circuit was accidentally cut and that they couldn’t fix it until after 2:00 today. Gee thanks. So not only did Maddie and I have to pack up and stay at my dad’s last night, I also ended up having to watch the “Bachelor” at work, type it this morning at his house, and I missed all my shows last night since my dad has yet to join us in the 21st century and get a DVR or VCR. So I missed “The Hills”. Not like there was much to miss. I’ll just wait til “US Weekly” arrives and read about what’s going on in their lives right now since the show is about 2 months behind. But I’m livid that I missed the return of “Gossip Girl”. Especially considering they’re not streaming these last 5 episodes online. So unless someone puts the whole thing up on YouTube, I’m sh** out of luck. Or a nice summary would be good. Whew. Ok, lets get on to last nights disappointment.
-Last week in the previews, we got to see Meepers “mother” hitting on Matt by sitting close to him and rubbing his chest. Well, when the show started and they teased what was coming up, they took it a step further, and they showed her kissing him and telling him how good he smelled. At that point, I hope all of you realized it was going to be a fake. I don’t care how drunk any mother got, there’s no way that the first time her daughter brings a guy home, any mother would do that. I still really don’t know how I feel about the whole thing. I understand it was a prank, but, considering we never heard her real parents even speak and have no idea if her parents got along with Matt, I wonder if it was all worth it. I do know one thing: Matt’s an idiot for actually thinking that was real. If the woman actress wasn’t so completely over-the-top, I can maybe see where he could’ve fallen for it. But since she acted like a drunken floozy, I couldn’t believe he took her seriously.
-For the first hometown date, Matt took a limo down the hill from Hollywood and met Shayne’s parents in L.A. Had to meet daddy Lorenzo and mommy whatever separately because they don’t live together anymore. They’re divorced. Seems that Lorenzo has commitment issues considering that’s happened to him four times. Well, it’s either a commitment issue or he’s just no different than any other Hollywood actor who takes pride in being a fountain of sperm for numerous other women. Good example for your daughter, Lorenzo. I think the question of the night after seeing both of Shayne’s parents was, “Who’s had more work done to their face?” Lorenzo definitely is drinking from the fountain of youth every morning, and Shayne’s mom looks like a bloated Dina Lohan. And I’m sorry, but the lifestyle that Shayne has led up to this point, and the example set forth by her parents, are we honestly supposed to believe she’s ready to settle down and get married at 22? Please. Lorenzo tells us last night he got married at 21, and that was too young. Ummmm, ok. So if your daughter gets hitched at 22, it wouldn’t be? Made no sense.
-Matt has trouble pronouncing Lorenzo’s last name before he showed up. Kept calling him “Mr. La-MAHZ”. No, you idiot. It’s “Lamas”. Go rent “Grease” you stupid Brit. Or watch an American television show once every blue moon. Hell, Matt claims to had never even seen the “Bachelor” before coming on it. Whatever. I was just in awe of Lorenzo appearing on camera for the first time since, well, ever. What in the world did he have around his belt? He had like nine things latched on to him? Is that so his body doesn’t fall apart from all the construction work he’s had done? Immediately, Lorenzo gets to the nuts and bolts of Shayne being on the show. Lo’: “The idea of being on TV is what was important to Shayne….she wants to be an actress, but she also wants to be a star.” Uhhh, ok. Couldn’t have said it better myself. This didn’t make Shayne happy that dad let the cat out of the bag. Of course she denied it until she was blue in the face saying that she was here for Matt and only Matt. This man. The Brit. Whom I have nothing in common with other than we’re both appearing on a reality dating show together. Don’t get me wrong. I’ve done a 180 on Shayne since the show started. I like her way better than I did when the season first started. There’s just no way you’ll convince me she’s ready to get married right now, and to Matt of all people. Not a chance.
-Time for daddy Lo and Matt to sit down and have a little pow-wow. It was at this point, I thought Lorenzo would break out the resume and start quizzing Matt on his “Falcon Quest” days, and whether or not Sandy should’ve chosen him over Danny Zucko the Scientologist. But he didn’t. They had more important matters to attend to. And that was whether or not Matt was boning his daughter. Lorenzo: “Don’t toy with Shayne’s feelings.” Matt said that’s totally not the case. And chose his words so very carefully. “I wouldn’t screw around with her emotions.” Very eloquent Matt. I’m sure you scored points with Mr. Lamaze Class. All in all, it was pretty uneventful with Lorenzo, Matt, and Shayne. She tried to convince Matt and her dad she was there for the right reasons, Matt acted like he believed it, and Lorenzo got some face time for what I’m sure is some sort of reality show that he’ll eventually end up pitching to the networks.
(Speaking of pitching reality shows, I’m sure you all have heard by now that Heidi and Spencer want their own spin off of the “Hills” where it would follow them as they plan their wedding. And then in subsequent seasons would follow them during their time of marital bliss. Of course, everyone and their mother is tired of these two and just wants to see them go away and can’t believe they’d get their own show. Well, first off, I’m here to tell you, I guarantee these two get a spin off show. I’d be shocked if they didn’t. And secondly, I think it’s a brilliant idea we should all embrace. Let me tell you why. You do realize that MTV is 3-for-3 in ruining marriages when it comes to these types of shows, don’t you? Nick and Jessica are done, Carmen and Dave never lasted, and Travis Barker and Shana Moakler pretty much ended up hating each other. So Heidi and Spencer now want their own “newlywed” type spin off? I say bring it on. It’ll guarantee these two will be off our televisions and out of our lives within a couple years).
-Time now to meet Shayne’s mom and sister. I didn’t catch either one of their names, so I’ll have to describe them for you. As I said earlier, her mom is a bigger, more tricked out version of Dina Lohan, without the horrible parenting skills. As far as we know. And her younger sister, who I’m guessing wasn’t more than 18 years old, had a some Wonder Woman type head band on. Or something you’d wear to Woodstock. I don’t know what it was other than she looked ridiculous in it. I was half expecting her to have a tye-dyed shirt on and smoking a peace pipe. By the way, Shayne’s mom must be an interior decorator in her spare time with the way she fixed her place up. Looked nice if you’re into the “Animal Kingdom” type look. She had more leopard prints in her house than the San Diego Zoo. And she’s also one of those moms that dresses up her dogs. They had a dog named Madison she put in a pink tutu. That’s just disgusting. I know I’m just only a month into owning a dog, but dressing up Maddie has never crossed my mind and never will. Must be a chick thing. I can’t imagine any male on this planet with a set of testicles actually is the one who thinks up the idea to dress their dog. Gotta be a chick thing.
-Dinner time. The bloated Dina Lohan whips up some roast beef with Yorkshire pudding to make Matt feel at home. Or constipated. Actually, I shouldn’t say that since I’ve never tried it. It just looked like it could be used as a laxative. The whole time at the dinner table, all I could focus on was Bloated Lohan’s horrible lip stick job she had going on. That’s a good look for you? Really? Says who, the Joker? Crazy moms never cease to amaze me. Can’t imagine why her and Lorenzo couldn’t make things work out. Seem so normal and down-to-earth. Neither of them comes across as having a very high opinion of themselves at all. Two completely grounded parents that raised their kids the right way. Oh, did I mention in the next scene, Momma Lohan takes Matt into the back room, breaks out the video from when Shayne was in a dancing recital, and tells Matt he’ll never find anyone better than that? Yeah, it happened. Who did Matt say earlier this year was a couple sandwiches short of a picnic? Shayne? Hmmmm….Apple doesn’t fall too far from the tree in that family. And in case you missed it, Matt called Shayne his little monkey. Did these two watch “Rock of Love” together. Please don’t tell me that’s some sort of term of endearment for the Brits. My little monkey? I personally think it can only mean one thing? They have hot monkey sex together.
-I loved Shayne’s younger sister, still in her teens by the way, giving Shayne relationship advice. “Are you in love with him? Just be honest with yourself. You don’t want to end up getting hurt.” What? This pip squeak who probably just had her first period last week is now handing out relationship advice? I’m sure Shayne will take that to heart. Go put your underoos back on and play with Strawberry Shortcake. Shayne has a man to service. Back downstairs, Momma Lohan is grilling Matt on what it would be like to be the husband of a Hollywood starlet. Or D-list actress which is what Shayne is probably going to end up as. “Are you going to be able to handle it when you accompany Shayne to a movie premiere and she’s kissing another man onscreen?” Ummmm, the answer to that would be “no” since Shayne won’t be doing any red carpet movie premieres in my lifetime or yours. And the only kissing she’ll being onscreen is with other women and the pizza guy in something titled “Hot Slice of Ass”.
-Next up was Chelsea’s hometown date in Durango, Colorado. I’d really like to talk about what happened – if anything did. Considering they gave Shayne and her hometown date two segments, I had a feeling one girl was gonna get short changed tonight. And that was Chelsea. I honestly think her hometown date may have lasted five minutes total. We basically saw nothing other than her mom, her dad, dinner, and two conversations. So that could mean either one of two things: Either Chelsea’s safe for the finals so they don’t need to show us all that much, or, she was going home tonight so why bother with a bunch of meaningless footage? And since we all know the answer to that question now, it’s safe to say, “America voted….and Chelsea….you are safe. Go have a seat on the couch next to Jason Castro’s unwashed dreadlocks. And Syesha’s afro puffs.”
-At dinner, Chelsea is explaining to her parents how her and Matt are just so much alike and they get each other. “I noticed his sarcastic sense of humor….I just don’t get his jokes sometimes because I don’t speak British.” Wow. Maybe Chelsea’s the one who’s a couple sandwiches short of a picnic? Or is about a sharp as a beach ball. Or isn’t the sharpest knife in the drawer. Or not playing a with a full deck. Ok, I can’t think of any more. This hometown date was really boring. I really mean it when I say nothing happened. There was no controversy, no actors hired as parents, no nosy questions by siblings – nothing. Just the same ol’ “I’m afraid of opening up and possibly getting hurt” b.s. that Chelsea has been saying since day one. No surprise there. However, at the end of the night, Matt tells us “I realized what a great couple Chelsea and I could make”. Based on what? I couldn’t tell anything from that hometown nonsense. Maybe Matt and Chelsea pulled a Brett and Daisy, and we just don’t know about it.
-Next up, Matt gets on his bike and rides on over to Loveland, Colorado for his date with Noelle. I’m kidding. I have no idea how close Durango is to Loveland. Could be 10 minutes, could be 5 hours. No clue. All I know is Matt did some good, bold face lying on this date. Especially after hearing one of the first things he had to say coming into this date. “I know Shayne, Amanda, and Chelsea better than I know Noelle.” You could say that again. I’m surprised you even knew Noelle’s name considering the little amount of face time she’s received this season. But Noelle tries her best to make him forget that by coming up with this beauty. “You have all the sides I don’t really have. That means we compliment each other.” I think that was her way of saying, “Look, we’ve barely spoken in the time we’ve been in the house, you and I really aren’t all that compatible, and I’d be shocked if you even knew my name, but, let’s just start making out to pretend we like each other.” Yeah, that didn’t work so much. This date seemed all very forced to me.It was almost like she had to justify making the final four which she pretty much did. One of the more surprising girls who ever made the final four. I think in the first episode I’d predicted she’d go far, but, as weeks passed and we saw her less and less, made it even more suprising she got this far.
-This was also a big step for Noelle since she’s a prude….errr…..only allowed one other guy besides Matt to ever meet her parents. And she’s 26. That’s saying a lot. 26 years old and only one other guy has met her parents? Is Noelle a hermit? Does she ever date? Tell you what Noelle. How about I come to Loveland, Colorado and you let your parents meet me. If it wasn’t bizarre enough that you brought some limey home from a TV show, just wait til your conservative dad meets the guy you met on the computer. He’ll love me. All parents do. Although, I can’t ride a horse. I could probably learn, just never have. But if you want to go bareback on one, be my guest. Nobodys stopping you. Didn’t Bo Derek do that back in the day when she was hot? Now she looks like a leather jacket you laid out in the sun for a week. I have no idea what I’m talking about anymore.
-So the family and Matt sit outside to eat dinner which I’m sure consisted of deer skin, a couple rabbits, and some beaver pelts. Sounds yummy. Matt and Noelle’s dad get up from the dinner bench to go play a riveting game of horseshoes. As much as I like Noelle, I think her family might bore me to tears. Horseshoes? I tell you what Noelle, how about you and I just move away to like Hawaii or something, make a bunch of babies, and we’ll send pictures to your family? Sound fair? I think visiting them once every five to ten years would be sufficient enough. The thought of riding horses, playing pin the tail on the possum, and living like we’re in the Old West doesn’t appeal to me that much.
-So someone from Noelle’s family asks, “When you do marry, do you plan to live in England?” To them, living in England must seem like living in 2008. They must be ecstatic for their daughter, you know, if she were to get picked. “Do they have like computers and TV’s and running water in England?” Yeah pops, they do. And electricity to boot. Now go get your pan and keep mining for gold. “Someday, we goin’ be rich.” (Say that in your best prospectors voice. I did. It’s much funnier that way). When Matt was asked the question about living in England, I thought he gave a rather odd, and perverted, answer. “I don’t have to. I can live anywhere actually. I’m flexible. I can get my legs over my head as well.” Huh? Did you really need to throw that analogy in. Noelle’s dad can barely tolerate the fact his daughter is growing woman. Now you’re planting in his head that his daughter has sex outside of the missionary position? Oh lord. I’m surprised he didn’t keel over and die.
-Now its time for Noelle’s sisters to corner Matt and be nosy. They ask him if he’s falling for more than one girl. He answers honestly by saying yes. “Is our sister one of those girls?” Matt: “I’m bizarrely falling in love with more than one person. Noelle is one of those people.” Lie. No, he’s not. He said before the date he barely knows her. Now he’s falling in love with her? Bascially, if he answers that question, “No, your sister isn’t one of the ones I’m falling in love with”, then we know who’s going home that rose ceremony. Not that we didn’t already, but that would’ve been an even bigger giveaway. But the main reason why we knew this wasn’t going anywhere was because Noelle doesn’t open up enough. Or by her own words, “I have a hard time letting people in.” Hee hee….she said “letting people in.” She was talking about emotionally and making herself vulnerable and all that gushy stuff. I took it as a sex act because I’m a guy and that’s the way my brain functions 90% of the time. Ok, 99%. Noelle, how about you let me in and I won’t tell anyone else? Deal?
-Time now for the Meepers bizarre date. As I said earlier, I understand she was doing this as a prank. I guess my question is “Why?” Pranks are lighting a bag of dog crap on fire and ringing someone’s door bell. Pranks are toilet papering someone’s house. Do kids still do that nowadays? That was like the big thing in grammar school to toilet paper the hot girls house so she hated you even more. Either Matt’s gonna choose Meepers at the end and we’re all gonna look stupid for saying “I can’t believe she hired actors as her parents”, or this is going to completely backfire on her. I’m all for pranks, don’t get me wrong. I just didn’t understand the logic behind “testing” Matt with a fake, drunk, horny mom who hits on him. What exactly was she testing? To see if Matt would reciprocate and start feeling her “mom” up? Maybe her parents are real camera shy and wanted no part of talking on camera – which they were very good at.
-There really isn’t much to say about this hometown date because it was all fake. So I can’t comment on her “mom” rubbing Matt’s nipples since it wasn’t real. I can’t comment on her “mom” fake laughing uncontrollably at everything Matt said because it wasn’t real. The only thing to debate here is whether or not you thought it was a good idea. I’d like to hear your input. So feel free to leave comments on the page on whether or not: A) you thought that was a good prank, and B) if it was something you personally ever would’ve thought of doing with a boyfriend/girlfriend. I’d be interested to know people’s opinions on this. Personally, I thought it was dumb. I guess it would’ve been funnier if we didn’t know beforehand they were actors, saw it play out, and THEN Meepers told us it was a joke. But when we knew from the beginning it was all staged, it kinda lost its luster. And just the motivation behind the prank was dumb. There’s got to be a reason other than wanting to play a prank as to why Meepers chose to do this. This show has been on 15 seasons now with twelve bachelors and three bachelorettes. That’s the first time anybody made a joke out of their hometown date. She must be hiding something.
-Time for the rose ceremony. Matt has diarrhea of the mouth again. “I didn’t sleep a wink….this has been very difficult for me….amazing families….including your fake mom with the giant cans, Meepers….I’m humbled and privileged….thank each one of you for an amazing time so far…and Noelle, tell your pops I found this chunk of gold down by the river.”
-Of course Matt loved every minute of it. So he says. “That’s the best prank I’ve ever had done on me.” Is anyone beginning to question how Meepers even went about doing this? When exactly did she tell the producers, “Hey, for my hometown date, can you go hire a couple actors for me to play my parents. I think this’ll be a hoot. Matt will love it.” I guess if it makes for entertaining television, then ABC is all for it. But after 14 previous seasons of serious hometown dates, this one was completely out of left field. Maybe her family does actually live in a trailer and she was embarrassed. Kind of the same dilemma Andie felt when she tried to date Blaine. He was Mr. Richy Rich and she lived in a dump. I think one of my favorite lines in that movie was Blaine saying, “Hey, you wanna go home and change.” Andie: “I already did.” Ouch. As a guy, how do you recover from a comment like that. How’d she even still go out with him after that? Basically he just told her she looked ugly. That’s like asking a larger woman when her baby is due and she’s not even pregnant. You might as well just tuck your head between your legs and walk away after saying something like that. Probably isn’t a worse feeling in the world.
Shayne: Mr. Lamaze must be proud of his little girl. Now she’s got at least 7 episodes of TV credit she can add to her resume.
Amanda: Pranks are fun. Especially when MILF’s are rubbing your nipples and kissing up on you.
A little subdued Host Chris tonight. This time he takes a deep breath before uttering, “Ladies, Matt, this is the final rose tonight.” What’s wrong Host Chris? Job stressing you out? You must be tired from all the work you did this week? It’s ok. Here’s a tissue. Go cry over in the corner.
Chelsea: The shortest hometown date ever and she gets a rose. I think that might be saying something.
-Considering it was pretty obvious who was going home, I wasn’t surprised to see Noelle not even shed a tear. “I’d say it was partially my fault. I’ll take some of the blame on this one for not opening up sooner. I should’ve let him in.” There she goes again with her sexual innuendos. Or maybe it’s just me. Whatever the case, Noelle sounded like the least disappointed girl ever eliminated in the final four. Which sucked. The only good thing to come out of this? I got Noelle’s photography website and I can now stalk her. Yippee. So if you see me on the news as “pervert tracks down reality TV contestant who gets eliminated”, be sure to tell a friend. I’m kidding. I won’t stalk Noelle. I might email her a few hundred times. But I won’t stalk her.
-So the overnight dates are in Barbados. According to Host Chris, “Shayne and Matt get sexy.” Are they bringing sexy back? “Amanda puts her heart on the line.” Does she fake kiss him and fake cry with him and fake telling him that she loves him? “And is the pressure finally getting to Chelsea”. Well, with that lead-in, I’m guessing Chelsea is safe for next week. They’re not gonna give it away in the previews. The one thing I was shocked about was them teasing the finale and them showing Matt on one knee with a ring. “Matt proposes to the love of his life.” Really? He’s gonna propose? Or is this a friendship ring? Or a “Hey, let’s make this look good for TV, we’ll try and keep dating, but when it fails, just know we made it look good for the viewing audience.” I’m shocked they haven’t been promoting this all season if that’s what really ends up happening. They did when Andy proposed to Tessa. We heard that from the first episode that we’d have a fairy tale ending. Of course, that lasted around five minutes when Tessa realized what a P.R. hound Andy is and that he liked chasing older skirt like Marla Maples. Weird.
-I’m off to California again this weekend for mom’s 60th birthday. Should be fun. We rented out Banquet Hall, hired a band and everything. Good times. I’m 1000% percent certain at some point during the night, my mom will bust out her tamborine and start playing it even though she has no formal training whatsoever. Happy 60th Mom. Until next week…..
April 22nd, 2008
-Let’s just say that my new favorite line ever uttered in reality TV occurred Sunday night. Is there anything that could possibly beat Brett Michaels looking lovingly into a crying Ambre’s face and say, “Now let’s go have hot, monkey sex”? Didn’t think so. Find me a better line uttered on reality TV in the last 5 years. Bet you can’t. Maybe Sue Hawks speech in the first season of “Survivor”, but that’s about it. Nothing tugs at the heart strings more than two people obviously in love talking about having monkey sex. Really gets me every time. I almost feel those two were put on this earth to eventually end up together. What a beautiful couple. And if you think that the phrase “hot, monkey sex” won’t be referenced another 10 times in this column, then you apparently don’t know me. In fact, I’m almost positive I’ve used that phrase before in this column. But it just doesn’t have the same effect as when Brett tells it to his final suitor and they walk off into the sunset together. Because you know they did. A lot of it. test
-And in case you haven’t read the most recent interview with Brett and Ambre, they are still together, but just dating. Brett Michaels actually may have uttered the smartest thing ever said by anyone that ever appeared on a reality dating show before. In case you missed it, here’s how he summed up where he and Ambre are at right now:
“I found someone who is really nice and cool and gets rock ‘n’ roll. We can see when it goes from here. I said this from day one: I went into this to have fun and maybe find someone to like. True love is not going to be found instantly on a TV show. That is only for scripted shows. … Anyone thinking they are going into a TV show finding love, they might find someone that they like and eventually learn to like them more. I think finding true love, I never went in with that intent.”
If you want to hear what Ambre has to say, go to this link:
http://blog.vh1.com/2008-04-13/the-celebreality-interview-ambre/
And here’s her MySpace page in case you want to see more of her posing half naked:
http://www.myspace.com/ambrelake
Holy crap! I’m blown away. Did he really just make complete sense? Did he really just put into words exactly what I’ve said about the Bachelor for the last, oh I don’t know, 10 seasons? Brett Michaels, the thinker? No way! I’m gonna keep using exclamation points! Exactly right. You’re not picking who you’ve fallen in love with. You’re picking who you like the most out of the 25 people ABC hand picked for you, and THEN deciding if it’s gonna be anything more than that. I just can’t believe someone as horny, drugged out, and disease infested as him was actually able to understand the reality TV dating world. Amazing. And oh yeah, he also said in the same interview that he’d “never say never” to a 3rd season. So, I guess we can expect that in the fall when Ambre gets the TV hosting gig she’s looking for out of this show, refuses to move to L.A., and gets on with her life. But I’m glad he at least picked her. I mean, a 37 year old cougar with a career, or a 25 year old stripper? And let’s not forget the 37 year old went panty-less on their final date, told him about it, then showed him Sharon Stone style. Hmmmm….tough one.
-Onto last night, where in our fantasy world of Matt and his six suitors, they are all headed to Sun Valley, Idaho for some skiing. There will be a two 1-on-1 dates and a group date. Immediately, Shayne is fired up to be going skiing. Why? “I ski really well. I want to show Matt my ski skills.” And what may those be? I wonder if that has anything to do with her half naked in the snow? Or maybe her skills are completely non-sexual and what Shayne is referring to is her ability to talk openly about the Hillary vs. Obama race, and the ramifications it’ll have on our economy should either get elected President? All while wearing earmuffs, a parka, and snow boots. Who are we kidding? She’s talking about hot monkey sex in front of a snowman. Oh boy. It’s already starting.
-Matt admits to being a skiier himself having tried it in France, but hasn’t done it in the states yet. Ooooooh, big difference. Snow in France is, like, totally different than snow in the United States. I think the French snow is all cold and stuff. And has bad hygiene. And is rude. Whatever the case, immediately the snow fights break out when they get there. So much fun. Weeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!! But Debbie Downer Marshanna doesn’t want to get involved. “I look fabulous in my outfit as it is. I don’t want to mess it up.” You know what I’ve been able to catch on to these last couple episodes regarding Marshanna? I don’t know if you’ve been able to detect this, but I have. She sure has a high f***ing opinion of herself that I’m guessing 99% of people watching don’t agree with. Just an observation.
-It is revealed that Chelsea gets the first 1-on-1 date. But Matt tells everyone watching was his mission is in Sun Valley, Idaho. “My mission is to get these six women down to four and decide whose hometowns I want to visit.” Thank you for clarifying that Matt. Without that bit of knowledge, I would’ve been totally confused as to what the hell I was about to watch. So six minus two equals four. And those four you will visit their hometown? Got it. A little tough. Had to run it through a few theorems, and match it up with the Theory of Relativity, but I think I got it now. You Brits are some smart chaps, I tell ya’.
-Matt’s biggest concern with Chelsea, other than where they are going to have hot monkey sex in the dead of winter, is that he wants to see if they have more than the best friend thing going. You know, if she’ll open up more. Be a little more romantic. Show a sexual side she hasn’t really shown yet. Kinda to let him know, “Hey big boy, look at me. Come over here” kinda thing. Basically, he wants to know if this chick is a c**k tease. Plain and simple. And apparently she is. Chelsea admits public displays of affection are a pet peeve of hers. She doesn’t like holding hands. She knows it’s a weird phobia, but that she just can’t do it. She’ll lock arms with you, and let you put your hand around her waist, maybe grab her ass a few times, but, hand holding? No sir. She’s scared of that. It is at this time that I must announce I would never be able to date Chelsea. Sorry babe. Just wouldn’t work between us. I know, I know, I know. It’s tough. Be calm. But if you can’t hold my hand because you’re scared, then that’s ridiculous and lame. And I’ll go find someone who will. And who isn’t a c**k tease.
-Matt doesn’t seem bothered by this at all. “I don’t think Chelsea’s playing hard to get. I don’t think she’s not being forthcoming. I think she’s just being honest.” She is. I agree. And with that, you will leave with the biggest set of blue balls you’ve ever experienced. Have fun with that, lad. Maybe in England, that kinda stuff is encouraged. Not here in the states pal. Women like that are immediately dropped into the “friend” category. You get this, right? You should make her some tea, down a few crumpets, then send her on her way with a nice “Cheerio”, and be done with it. Only because I said so and that she’ll be available to others. Like me. Am I flip flopping now on Chelsea after I just said she should be in the friend category? Yes. But only to confuse Matt. It’s kind of like the reverse psychology I’m throwing at him. Let’s see if he falls for my master plan. Or if those meddling kids and their dog in the “Mystery Machine” van ruin everything. Where was I?
-The one thing I could do without on this snow filled Idaho date? Everyone having bright red cheeks. They all look toasted. So these two Santa Clauses finally get inside, and Matt starts trying his own psychology on Chelsea. And I can’t say I don’t fault him for it. “I think you can be romantic.” If only he had a necklace or a locket that he could swing in front her face like that one monster did to Daphne. I can’t believe I just had two Scooby Doo references in the last two paragraphs. Whatever the case, his mind screwing is working. Chelsea: “I have a shy side, I have a vulnerable side, but I do have a romantic side. I’ll embrace it.” Wow. That sh** works? Really? All I have to do is tell some chick over and over again what I want her to do and then she’ll eventually convince herself to do it? Why didn’t someone tell me this earlier? I totally would’ve untied her. Moving on….
-Too many mind games going on during this date. Now Chelsea wants to spend more time with Matt, but rather than waiting until possibly getting to the final three for the fantasy suite, she decides to create her own. So with the help of the creative ABC writing team, and the geniuses behind those crafty fantasy suite invitations from Host Chris, Chelsea decides to make her own telling Matt she’d like to go back to his place tonight and spend some more time with him. If you looked closely enough at the card, you could see at the bottom, it ended with “And let’s have hot monkey sex”. Ok, it didn’t. But it did say, “I’d like to get to know you in other ways.” Which of course translated means: “Let’s have hot monkey sex.” Chelsea isn’t fooling anyone here. Maybe she thought since she pulled a fast one and was creating her own fantasy date, the cameras wouldn’t follow her. Uhhhh, not quite honey. Those cameras are everywhere. If they didn’t, they wouldn’t get to edit you to their liking.
-Up next is the group date with Marshanna, Robin the Hated One, Meeper the Roadrunner, and Shayne, who I gotta say is growing on me. And by that I mean, my pants start growing when I see her. I know. Totally inappropriate. Don’t mind me. I’m in a weird mood tonight. And by weird, I mean horny. Anyway, at least I’m not alone. Matt is obviously looking to snog someone in the mountains. Matt: “Today I’m dating four women….two of which are virgins….on the snow.” Tell me that guy wasn’t completely giddy when he said that? So funny, Matt. You should try stand up. Totally had me fooled on that. I really thought you were talking about them being virgins in the sexual way, then you sprung on me with that great comedic timing of yours, that you were talking about being novices when it comes to skiing. So clever.
-Matt’s horniness is getting worse as the day is long. He told the Meeper she had a sexy ass. And not to worry about poles….except his. Or something like that. Ms. Meep was completely sold on him: “It was so great how Matt was teaching me….awwww…..he’ll be such a good dad.” What?!! Because he was teaching you how to not fall down that makes him a good dad? How about when I help the old lady with the groceries cross the street? Does that mean I’ll be a good husband? Yes it does. There. I answered my own question. But Matt helping you ski doesn’t mean he won’t teach your child to become a bumbling horny Brit when he grows up. You might need to rethink that one Roadrunner.
-Here’s a shocker: Marshanna’s a terrible skiier. I never would’ve guessed it. I thought black people loved the cold. And ice sports. Hmmmm. Weird. And because she was terrible, and kept falling down, and Matt had to keep looking at her so pathetically, Marshanna is disappointed that she didn’t get any quality 1-on-1 time with Matt. No, you didn’t. But that’s probably a good thing. You know why? Because I didn’t really want to see quality Matt/Marshanna smoochie smooch time. Might’ve made me heave up my dinner. And lunch.
-Shaynes turn to show Matt her snowboarding “skills”. He’s impressed since he can’t snowboard. So what does Shayne do? Falls down on purpose so he’ll help her with her tongue, which seems to have mysteriously landed in his mouth. And boy did it look cold out there. I was afraid these twos mouths might’ve stuck together like the kid in a “Christmas Story” who got stuck to the flagpole. You know that kid ended up getting into porn, don’t you? Scott Schwartz was his name. Maybe the whole flagpole thing traumatized him for life. Whatever the case, his career went nowhere after that movie. As did pretty much everyone else’s. Which is weird considering it’s the greatest Christmas movie ever made. Hands down, bar none, not even close. “Daddy’s gonna kill Ralphie!” Back to 2008, Matt is still horny. “Shayne is like my little snow monkey today.” He said monkey, which means he was thinking hot monkey sex. Or I was. One of the two. And oh yeah, Shayne brought her blush brush and eyeliner in her jacket pockets for skiing. High maintenance much? Hey, at least she admits it. And yes, they’re still growing.
-Robin decides to piss Shayne off again by butting into her makeout session with Matt. This will make her even more well liked in the house. Since Noelle gets the last 1-on-1, Robin is the only girl remaining who never had a 1-on-1 with Matt, which basically means, ummmm, well, you can probably figure it out. But she wants to know why he never selected her for one. Matt tap danced around the question about as well as Fred Astaire. Said something about how even though they’ve never had an official one, they’ve always managed to sneak off for some alone time so in his eyes, that was good enough. Translation: Sweetie, I didn’t want to give you a 1-on-1 date because you would’ve wasted my time. Your troll-like features are frightening me too. And so does your underbite. Cheerio!
-Time for Noelle’s 1-on-1 date on an ice skating rink that, I must say, was rather boring. The only thing to come out of this date was we find out that both Matt and Noelle have scars on their faces from previous accidents. Matt doesn’t talk about his or where his scar is. I can’t see it either which bothered the hell out of me. Noelle didn’t show her scar, but we were told it was from a car crash she was in. So then the conversation took the obvious turn of, “Life’s too short, appreciate what you have, I’m grateful and thankful - now let’s kiss”. And they did. This date was actually eerily similar to the one that Firestone had with the chick who told him that Olive Garden was her favorite restaurant. Completely forgot her name, but she looked like a mouse. I think. Now I’m getting confused. Anyway, I was hoping and praying that Noelle would bust out with “I totally love eating at Macaroni Grill. That’s like my most favorite Italian place”. I would’ve married Noelle if she broke that out in conversation.
-Now since Noelle’s date was pretty uneventful, it’s time for ABC billed as the most “dramatic confrontation in Bachelor history”. And if there’s something dramatic going on with the girls, you knew that Marshanna and her clapping was gonna be behind it. I was fully expecting the finger wag, but no, Marshanna went with the two handed clap, which might’ve been the most annoying thing I’ve ever seen a woman do during an argument. Well, other than open her mouth. Marshanna feels Chelsea’s attacking her character when she says that Marshanna is so negative about being there. This turns Marshanna into screaming black woman: “You will not misquote me Chelsea!!!…I never said that….(clapping )….Walk off!!! Walk off!!!! Walk off!!! Walk off!!!!…(clapping)….If you’re not ready to deal with it, then don’t bring it up!!!…(clapping )….” Repeat that about ten times with the voice getting louder and louder, and that’s how Marshanna argues. Needless to say, it wasn’t very effective. There isn’t anything more annoying than people who think they can win an argument by raising their voice the most. Idiots.
-Marshanna the Narcissist has officially kicked in. “The girls bringing up I’m a negative person is a shock to me. I’m a great person. I’m nice, I’m friendly, I’m loving, I’m so giving, I’m thoughtful, I’m charitable (are you done yet?). I’m a great person and no one can convince me otherwise.” And why would anyone want to? Clearly, you are the queen of all arguments, so no one would be stupid enough to get in there and trade with you. Especially someone who comes into the argument looking to make a point by using logic. That seems like it would kind of just get thrown out the window when it comes to you. Why would you ever want to debate with someone looking to make sense when all you like to do is yell, clap, probably stomp your feet, and repeat the same inane statement over and over. Walk off? I don’t think I’ve ever heard that before. I thought it was “Step off, bitch!” Maybe I’m out of the loop now. Anyway, Marshanna came off looking horrible last night, through no fault of her own.
-Back to the boring date that is Noelle and Matts. He asks her if she could ultimately be in London or California. Noelle lies and says, “As crazy as it would be - yes.” You know how I know she lied? Because the next thing she tells us is Matt would only be the 2nd guy she’s ever taken to meet her parents. So this girl who obviously hasn’t had too many relationships in her life, is now confident enough to tell her parents that the guy she met on TV, she’s going to move to London for? Uh huh. Sure she is. What is she going to do about her photography and acting career? Then their conversation turns dirty. Noelle: “I consider you trouble. Trouble is someone who has the ability to get in.” Gulp. Hot monkey sex anyone?
-On their final attempts to win Matt over before he sends the two most obvious people home, Marshanna lays it all out there. She told Matt about her one sided screaming match with Chelsea the night previous. Matt: “I’m really impressed by you.” I guess Matt decided taking the PC route would be much better than feeling the wrath of Marshanna the Screaming Clapping Idiot. I don’t understand what the clapping accomplishes. It’s not like she was talking to a 3 year old trying to get their attention. I think its safe to say that if any woman ever clapped at me during an argument, we’d be done about two seconds after that. No clapping please. And no clap. That wouldn’t be good. Good thing Chelsea came in and stole Matt away. Marshanna didn’t like that: “We didn’t get a chance to kiss. I love the way Matt kisses.” Well, we don’t like watching you two kiss. If that’s what you want to call it. I’d call it more of Marshannas lips raping Matt’s fish mouth.
-So not like Chelsea was in any sort of trouble about getting sent home, but she figured she’d just stick it to Marshanna one last time. Matt tells her, “I like holding hands….I want to know you can deal with that.” I’m not sure if she even gave an answer to that question, I just know they started making out. I think he’s gotten over the whole holding hands thing. I know he likes to do it, but c’mon buddie. As long as she’s an acrobat in the sack, are you really concerned with whether or not you can grab her hand on a ferris wheel? Or that you walk into “Made of Honor” looking like two 8th graders? Please. Get your priorities straight, chap. Because I certainly do.
-Robin gets one last shot and pretty much wasn’t able to take the hint. “I want Matt to kiss me tonight….and I get what I want.” So they’re sitting there, and she tells him, “I want you to meet my family.” Did you notice he never addressed that? He responded with something to the effect of, “Your family really tells a lot about a person blah blah blah…” If he wanted to meet her family, he would’ve given some hint of “Yeah, that’d be great. Never been to Michigan before. Would love to see if the rest of your family are trolls just like yourself.” But no, he didn’t. He just went with the generic “Family is important” stuff. And that’s never a good thing. Especially when Robin still hadn’t had a 1-on-1. Please. One of the more obvious rose ceremonies they’ve ever had.
-Rose Ceremony begins, and for the first time this season, Matt has diarrhea of the mouth. Good God, he wouldn’t shutup. “Thank you for the time in Sun Valley….fun time getting to know you….tugged at my heart….family is important….I’ll be honored and privileged……Now, walk off Marshanna!!!!”
Shayne: She was happy he picked her first. I don’t know what meaning that had other than maybe….forget it. It was going to be perverted and you’ve had enough of that this week.
Noelle: Process of elimination.
Chelsea: What if he’s holding her hands while he’s proposing to her? Would that make her say no?
Host Chris says this is the final rose tonight. So Matt, “whenever you’re ready. Even though you probably knew you’d be going to see the Meepers family a week ago.”
Meeper: Maybe I’m just dumb, but when she made the comment about her family living in a double wide trailer, was she kidding? Guess we’ll find out next week.
-Marshanna wasn’t as dramatic as I thought she’d be when she left. “Before the last rose was given out, I was thinking, ‘Call my name! Call my name!’” Hey, wasn’t that a Destiny’s Child song? Marshanna continues to talk about what a catch she is. “I’m still 100% the lady I was when I arrived. I’m still fabulous.” You know what was fabulous? You finally getting your ass booted from this show. Good riddance. And quit telling us how fabulous you are. Tina Fabulous is getting jealous.
-Robin looked like she was going to stab Matt in the heart with a ballpoint pen. Geez, she wasn’t too thrilled. She walked up to him and said “Bon soir.” Which if I have my translator working correctly meant, “Us trolls having feelings too, you know.” Matt didn’t seem to care. She left in a pouty bitter way which is what we all expected. And I’m sure she’ll be an even bigger ball of sunshine once the “Women Tell All” rolls around. I’m sure she will have gotten over it by then since she’s so level headed.
-Hometown dates next week and we catch a glimpse of what to expect from the four girls families:
Shayne - Four words: LORENZO IN THE HOUSE!!!! I could only hope that he and Olivia Newton John re-create their magic from the scene at the malt shop.
Chelsea - Her dad wants her to open up and not be afraid. Shocker. Which would be another thing letting Matt do to her that might help her chances. Let’s move on.
Noelle - Her father is very conservative and questions meeting someone on a TV show. Always one of those jaded parents every season. When are they going to learn? Don’t they realize how successful this show has been producing such long term relationships?
Meeper - Ummmmm, I’m about as excited for this hometown date as I’ve ever been. Last season, that one chicks lunatic mom was forcing her daughter down Brad’s throat. Meepers mom? Well, looks like she wants him all to herself as she rubs her hand on his chest and feels his nipples. You think Amanda catching a glimpse of that might throw her into hours of stress induced hiccupping? I can’t wait. Until next week….
The Bachelor Links
April 15th, 2008
-Great to be in town. Sleeping my own bed. Dealing with a functioning television that lets me skip commercials. And having Maddie by my side. She was ecstatic to see me and I don’t think has gotten off the bed since I got home on Sunday except for the times we go for walks. And starting today at 1:30, for the next 8 weeks, we begin obedience classes. I haven’t really had any obedience problems with her at all since she’s very much an indoor dog. I just figured it was the right thing to do. Can I have the instructor teach Maddie that, although I have no problem with her sleeping in my bed at night, could she learn to move over a little bit at times so she’s not taking up all my space? Can these obedience classes teach her to not snore so loud? That would sure help. Whatever the case, it should be fun. I’m just curious why it would take them 8 weeks to help me train my dog who pretty much loves sleeping on my bed or on the couch? I guess they’re just milking me for every dollar they can.
-So in the reality television dating world, three things came to light this week. On “Rock of Love 2” we learned that Daisy the hooker is Oscar De La Hoya’s niece. Well, internet goons like myself knew this about a month ago, but Sunday was the first time she revealed it to everyone else. Why she did that, I have no idea. Other than she’s a 5 foot nothing, 100 lb, DD’d idiot who can’t be taken seriously. She is by far the only female in reality TV history that I could honestly say I hate. That girl has zero redeeming qualities. She’s ugly, she’s a stripper, and the way she talks is about as annoying as it can get. The other thing we learned from a “Rock of Love” contestant was that Ambre hosts a TV show, which is why she had to lie about her age. Of course no one could’ve ever believed she was 32 anyway, but she still lied and said she was. Immediately when I heard this, I ran to the internet and found out she hosts a local TV show in Chicago on home and lifestyles or something. Then if you did deeper, you’ll see she has an IMDB page which has her as the wedding coordinator in “Sweet Home Alabama” amongst her credits. Don’t know. Didn’t see it. Remember, it’s a chick flick. Refer to last week’s column for the reasoning behind that. So it’s down to two: Daisy the 22 year old stripper, or Ambre the 37 year old actress vying for 44 year old Brett’s heart. Ummmmm, I don’t know either. Those two couldn’t possibly be any more different. It’s Ambre in a heartbeat for me, but I’m not a disease infested Brett. If he picks Daisy, he might as well light his junk on fire. Probably feel better than putting it in her meat cave.
-The other thing we learned this week, thanks to a Reality Steve reader who pointed this out (can’t believe I missed this), was that our good friend Holly once dated Justin Guarini. You know, the Sideshow Bob geek from Season 1 of “American Idol”. If you want to see any pics of them, just google “Holly Durst/ Justin Guarini” and they they are on the red carpet. Or you may just call him the co-star of “From Justin to Kelly” - that blockbuster of a movie that they made after the first season of “Idol” ended. Wow. Did that really happen? Did they really make a movie with the two finalists from “Amercian Idol”? I don’t know the plot but I’m guessing it had something to do with them having a crush on each other, takes place in a beach city, and a lot of dancing and singing going on while they try and get in each others pants. Didn’t I mention two weeks ago how unoriginal Hollywood is? I give you “From Justin to Kelly”. I think the same storyline with the two season 2 finalists would’ve been much more interesting - “From Clay to Reuben”. Since we all know Clay is into that sort of thing. Anyway, the point being here is that despite the title of “Children’s Book Author”, Holly is obviously looking to be famous. And went about it in the past by dating someone who was famous for maybe five seconds. If you don’t think the rest of this column will be littered with Justin Guarini comments, you’re sorely mistaken.
-The show begins exactly as the last three shows have begun: Host Chris walking in on the lingerie pillow fights the girls are having to tell them what the dates will be this week. Ok, maybe they’re just sitting on the couch having just woken up in their jimmies, but to me, the lingerie pillow fighting is where it’s at. They need to make this happen. Not that this was any surprise, but there’ll be a 1-on-1 date with Amanda the Roadrunner, a 2-on-1 date with Marshanna and Holly Guarini, and then a tennis group date with Kelly, Chelsea, Shayne, Ashleelee Sobieski, Noelle, and Robin the Hated One. When Robin finds out about their tennis and tea date, she gets all excited. Robin wants to remind everyone that she spent time living in England, and apparently, that makes her the authority on tea. Robin: “At Wimble-TON, they always have a high tea party.” Having been a huge sports nut since I was in about 2nd grade, it’s safe to say I know a few things. And I’m not a huge tennis fan at all, but one of my biggest pet peeves, especially working in radio, is when I hear people pronounce “Wimbledon” as “Wimble-TON”. There is no “T” sound in “Wimbledon” people. Stop it. You sound ignorant. And for someone who claims to be all knowing when it comes to “high tea at Wimbledon”, Robin frankly doesn’t know sh**. She can’t even pronounce the biggest tennis tournament in the world. And if Shayne sticks around any longer listening to this, then one day decides to make a trip overseas to watch this tournament, one day she’s gonna come back and tell everyone, “Hey, I sawl Maria Sharapova win Wimble-TON”. Then I’m going to have to shoot myself.
-It’s time for the group date and the six ladies to play tennis. All of them suck, except for Ashleelee, who not only is good, but is looking awfully hot in her little tennis get up. Yikes. I almost had to take a cold shower while watching her backhanded stroke. Uhhh..huh..huhh….huh…huh…huh….I said stroke. If this chick didn’t make up such horrible songs on the fly and sing them a capella, I might like her even more. Once Matt pulled her aside to try and feel up her skirt, she blurted out yet another song which sounded like she wrote it ten seconds ago. Ready for this doozy?
“I feel it could be real, but I’m scared to let myself go there
Because I fear that I’ll fall so hard and you’ll just break my heart”
Matt: “When Ashlee starts singing, I get mesmerized.” Then he tells her after my ears started bleeding, “Your voice is amazing.” Ummm, was he listening to the same thing we were? Now, because Ashleelee is hot, I will give her the benefit of the doubt. That’s what us guys do. In all fairness, Ashleelee is a professional singer/songwriter, so rather than trample on her god awful songs she wrote for Matt, I’ll let all of you decide how good she is. She has quite a few songs on her MySpace page that, although aren’t Grammy winning material, definitely sound better than that crap last night. Plus, there are pictures of her on there I get sweaty looking at. Her MySpace address is:
www.myspace.com/ashleewilliss
-So while Ashleelee sings to impress Matt, Chelsea and Shayne have other plans. They figure a gymnastics competition in their tiny tennis shorts might do the trick. Well ladies, it certainly did for me. Thank you. I almost used the whole box of Kleenex. Anyway, these two called it a “gymnastics competition”, when all it really was was them seeing who could do a handstand the longest. Shayne won after Chelsea quit about five seconds in. Some handstander she is. That’s ok. I’m sure she’s an expert in other areas. Like conversation and political issues. You know, stuff like that. Shayne on the other hand, well, this is probably her best talent. I mean, of course she was the star of the gymnastics team at Rydell High. I’m sure the T-Birds came to all her competitions to see her compete. Although, I bet Shayne was the one girl who strayed and dated one of the Scorpions. Maybe it was lead guy with the horrible skin’s little brother. Little Balmudo. He and Shayne would make a great couple. Until Michael Carrington got upset, learned how to ride a bike, and knocked her socks off outside of Bowl-R-Rama. Now I’m mixing up both Grease 1 and 2. I’ll stop. Just know that if you were a cast member in Grease 2, and I’m talking to you Michelle Pfeiffer, and you couldn’t tell that Michael Carrington was the guy behind the goggles, then you’re an idiot. He was the only British guy in the school you dolt. And its not like he was hiding his accent from you when you two were making out at the gas station. Don’t get me started.
-When Robin pulls Matt away for some alone time, pretty much what you expect to happen does. He starts to like her even more, and the girls all gossip behind her back. Good times. Robin impressed him because she told a boring story about how her parents have a tea maker at home. A tea maker? Really? In your own house? How edgy of them? C’mon Robin, tell us about their stamp collection too? Please, please, please? Of course, Matt is blown away by this and I guess since she once lived in England, this gives them sort sort of UK connection. Matt: “Is she American or is she British?” Tell me he didn’t just ask that. As far as I can tell, she’s about as American as they come Matt. Don’t be fooled by her tea maker. That has about as much relevance to a relationship between the two of you working as your Michael Carrington accent does.
-And of course, as we’ve learned by now, anytime Robin spends time with Matt, the other girls get upset. When Robin returns from her time alone, Shayne isn’t happy with her. Noelle hadn’t had any time yet, Shayne told Robin that was rude of her, and Robin responded with “I’m not here to play fair”, and it’s difficult for her to interact with women because, ummm, apparently she doesn’t get along with them. Nahhhhh really? I couldn’t tell that at all. Seems like all your best friends would be women. Your social skills around them seem to be impeccable, and the way all the others in the house gravitate towards you, makes you seem so likable. I don’t know where you’d get this idea that you don’t relate well to…..oh wait, you’re crying now. Forget it. Robin: “I pretty much feel alone out here.” Yeah well that’s what happens when you alienate everyone in the house. Now you know how Moana felt. I think you two should get together and go bowling. Or make out. Either one is fine by me.
-Back at the house, the 2-on-1 date box for Marshanna and Mrs. Guarini arrives, and immediately, ABC starts in with the “Marshanna the underdog” storyline. Marshanna: “I might as well start packing. I’m going in as the underdog tonight. Holly has already had some alone time with Matt.” If that didn’t give away what would happen on their date, then you don’t know this show too well. Last week, when we saw the previews and realized the 2-on-1 date would be with Marshanna and Holly, even I, Mr. Know it All, immediately assumed it was a slam dunk Marshanna would be going home. But then after thinking about it, I realized I’d jumped the gun. There’s no way they’d ever make something so obvious like that on this show. Let’s see, a girl who just got a rose during a 1-on-1 date going up against the token black girl, who’s lasted longer than any other black female in the show’s history. It was almost too obvious to 99% of the viewers who’d be going home. Which is exactly why Holly ended up getting sent home. They wanted to throw a little twist in there. When in reality, Holly just missed Justin and had more chemistry with his perm th