-We get the shot of the girls at the airport headed to Wisconsin and now they’re more excited since their first reaction basically sucked. “Milwaukeeeeeee!!!!!” Yeah, you go girl. Get excited. I guess there’s a first for everything when it comes to this show. We start off in the Steaming Cup where Nick meets up with his parents. He talks to them about things so far, and dad basically tells him, “Look son, go find a wife. Please. We don’t want to see you on this show ever again. It’s embarrassing.” His mom makes him cry because, well, I think his mom has cried every time we’ve ever seen her on screen in the 3 “Bachelor” and “Bachelorette” seasons he’s been on. I mean at this point, the parents might as well apply for a SAG card as much as they’ve been on camera. And if the Steaming Cup isn’t giving them free espresso’s on all their visits, then something is wrong.
-Nick meets the girls in a park and tells them that the first 1-on-1 date will start now and gives it to Danielle L. If you thought Astrid’s boobs were a player in last week’s episode, Lo’s DD’s are giving them a run for their money. Just not yet. It’s cold in Milwaukee y’all. She’s covered up now. Lets just wait til a little later on when things get more private. We’ve got staged meetings to get to first. As they are walking along the park by a river, Nick tells her that he once jumped in the river for $12. This is only significant because it was one of the questions on the Bachelor Fantasy League game this week. I guessed, and I guessed right. I’m a genius apparently. I’m not sure exactly what would prompt Nick to jump in a river for, because lets face it, there’s no way it was just for $12. Had to be to impress a girl or something.
-Time to visit the Sweeter Side of the Deli in lovely Waukesha. Or wherever it is. I’m sure Danielle got that killer body from eating sweets her whole life so she’s thrilled to be in there right now. The woman behind the counter knows Nick because, well, everyone in that town knows Nick for him having been on TV 752 times in the last couple years. He might as well run for Mayor while he’s at it. She sends Nick and Danielle to the back to make cookies and we get a “Bachelor” first. We’ve seen it all now. The cookies are now making out. I guess that was Nick’s idea of bakery foreplay, but it sure worked because after Danielle shoves her cookie dough finger down his throat, he attacks her tongue with his and it’s on in the kitchen. Was half expecting him to lay her down on the cookie sheet to make cookie dough love with her. Guess not.
-Now it’s time for the “Bachelor” to do “Bachelor” things. You know, when they have to plan a last second trip to Wisconsin because of the Hurricane in South Carolina, so they ask Nick to call up one of his ex-girlfriends so they can bring her on the show, only to pretend she’s magically sitting at a window on her computer. This was more staged than a showing of Hamilton. And you’d think if they’re gonna do something like this, maybe they can pull Nick’s ex-fiance, or maybe his high school sweetheart, or even college love. No, they bring in a girl that Nick admittedly dated “3-4 months.” Huh? What the hell kind of insight is she gonna offer now about Nick considering she’s currently married and has two kids. Maybe dated Nick 10 years ago? 15? So utterly ridiculous and pointless. Even the conversation they tried to make awkward was only awkward because Nick and Amber couldn’t stop laughing at how stupid the whole thing was pretending they didn’t plan this whole thing out.
-Nick and Danielle then lay down in the park and get to talking. And kissing. She asks Nick where his first kiss was and he pointed to some place over there. And I can’t remember what age he said, but judging by his sexual prowess on this show, I’m sure it was like age 5 or something. Danielle tells us her first kiss was at 17 because “I was such a prude.” Noted, Danielle. You could’ve fooled, well, all of us who have access to the internet now and can do a Google search. If you’ve got it, flaunt it. And Danielle certainly has it. Any search engine will tell you that. They then head to dinner and drinks at the Iron Horse Hotel where she opens up about the fact she’s had a tough life – her parents got divorced when she was 17. I’m guessing the other Danielle doesn’t want to hear about this Danielle’s “tough life” over her parents divorce. Or Kristina. I think the only “tough life” that Danielle needs to worry about was that horrible acting job she had on “Roll Models” which takes a look at the “underground world of import models and go go dancers.”
-Nick has one last surprise for Danielle since there was no way he was gonna let that top she was wearing just remain at dinner. That needed to be shown to the masses! So he takes her to the Pabst Theater, where ABC did their best to find us another country singer that not quite everyone has heard of so he can perform a concert for Nick, Danielle, and a few hundred rabid fans who watched Danielle’s boobs fall out of her shirt all night long. Of course, when I was told this the night it happened and tweeted it out, I was told there’s no way they’d be able to show them dancing to the date because she didn’t have double stick tape on and the girls kept falling out. For those that weren’t following back in October, here’s what you missed:
They all got a free show, Danielle got the rose, Chris Lane will have a few extra downloads today before fading into oblivion, and Danielle has her audition tape for “Bachelor in Paradise.” It’s a win for everyone involved. See you in Playa Escondida!