-Chris Harrison delivered the date card and the news that this week there will be a 1-on-1, a group date, and a 2-on-1. Because yeah, no one there had a clue who could possibly end up on the 2-on-1 did they? It’s only been a feud brewing since episode 2. Keep us in suspense Chris. You can cut this tension with a knife. Who IS on that date? Tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me. Eh, gonna have to wait. Rachel finally gets her 1-on-1 after getting the first impression rose only to then become background noise for the first four episodes. “Where have you beignet all my life” is what the date card says. I have been to New Orleans before. Even went to Café du Monde. Had a beignet. And I gotta say…I would take Winchell’s over that garbage every day of the week and twice on Sundays. Or Dunkies. Sorry, but waaaaaay overrated. Throwing some powdered sugar on some dough is not better than an apple fritter. Or chocolate rainbow sprinkle. Or a tiger tail. Or a cinnamon roll. You lose, beignet. Go home.
-When they first meet up in the French Market, Nick does give Rachel a life, but no twirl. Just a lift and kiss. A solid 7 on the judges scale. But you gotta get that twirl in a couple times to have a shot at the 10. C’mon Nick. You’ve done this 63 times already. You should know this. Whatever the case, these kiddos head out to do some shopping. Oooh, an alligator head? Let me purchase that. Weird masks? Check. Forget this, lets just make out every chance we can get while shopping. They even went oyster diving and Nick got him some tasty oysters (he he). Nick: “The chemistry with Rachel is probably the most explosive chemistry I have with any of the women.” I hear ya’. I wonder if Vanessa was listening to that as well. And guess what? If you guys happen to try any of the spicy gumbo New Orleans has to offer, your chemistry won’t be the only explosive thing you two share. You can take turns sharing the toilet bowl later in the evening.
-The two of them then dance down the streets to Second Line, all while playing with umbrellas, kissing, grinding, and making Vanessa cringe from her home watching on TV. Once they’re done bumping each other’s privates against each other, it’s concert time with Lolo. Not Lolo Jones the former sprinter turned bobsledder, turned DWTS embarrassment. No, Lolo the singer. You know, the singer. Anyone? Anyone? Didn’t think so. This show absolutely has to keep their track record of not-quite-famous singers going. It wouldn’t be the “Bachelor” franchise if we didn’t get someone only a niche audience has heard of before performing mini concerts. Hell, did you notice that Nick and Rachel basically skedaddled right out of that place in the middle of the concert. They must’ve really loved Lolo too. To do what? Oh yeah, make out some more while Vanessa sits at home with a personalized Rachel voodoo doll.
-They go and sit down at Mardi Gras World for dinner. Fun fact: The room I was trying to book for the Vegas party this year was the Mardi Gras room at the Rio. Super nice room, but they just couldn’t give me the deal that Mandalay got me. But next year, barring something crazy happening, I think we might be headed to the Rio as I’m already thinking about what to do. But back to Rachel and Nick. Oh yeah, she tells him that Second Line performs at funerals as well, and the last time she was in New Orleans was for a funeral. It was then she decided to let herself go and feels that this was a sign. Or maybe that you were put on this date for the exact reason that you could tell that story to the audience. Probably not a coincidence she appeared on this date and told that exact story.
-Over dinner, Nick and Rachel talk about the fact that her dad is a federal judge in Dallas. Nick: “Is he intimidating?” Rachel: “Yes.” Nick: (currently soiling himself) “Soooo, yeah, this is a little scary…” Nick goes on to tell her that because he’s already asked two fathers for their daughters hand in marriage, and it’s failed twice, this is obviously a big deal for him. Well, technically three fathers I assume since he was engaged before he ever came on the “Bachelor” and I’m guessing he asked that girl’s father. Hey, fourth time around it should be no sweat, right? I’m sure every father is down for that and not hilariously trying to hold back a nice laugh when Nick Viall comes asking to marry their daughter. It’s gotta be a running joke around all the fathers of America at this point, right? Like, it’s a mass email list that keeps gaining new people and they just tell tales of when Nick asked them and make fun of him? Someone find that email chain. I’m sure it’s heeeee-larious.
