-We start off with Rachel walking around with Copper, her dog with a broken toe. Kelly Travis’ dog Molly is not happy that some other dog gets to steal her spotlight this season. Didn’t Sarah Herron’s dog get brought a rose ceremony too? Those are the only ones I can remember getting brought to LA. We had one girl that got to bring her little pony on Ben’s season. Or was it Chris’? Hell I already forgot. Then again, Adam this season might not be bringing dogs on the show, but the dude gets to bring a doll with a stenciled in face and a horrible hair piece. The things they do for some of these contestants. Copper, you do you little guy. Whenever you have some free time, feel free to just tear into AJ the doll and rip him to shreds. Signed, All of Us.
-Chris Harrisons shows up to explain the rules of the show to the guys. The rules that have been the same exact way for 34 seasons. But hey, in case anyone hasn’t watched this show in forever, this week there will be two group dates and a 1-on-1 date. Roses will be up for grabs on every date. First group date arrives, and it’s for 8 guys: Lucas, Dean, Jack, Blake, Iggy, Kenny, Fred, and Jamey. The card says “Looking for husband material.” As Ashton Kutcher so eloquently put it later on that day, “I don’t think Rachel’s husband is in this group.” Right on, Ash. It’s a domestic obstacle course which is about as silly as one would’ve expected it to be. They had to change a diaper, rock a Baby Bjorn, vacuum, drain hair from a sink, wash dishes, set the dinner table, then get a bouquet of flowers. You know, all the stuff men do in the first month of dating then never again since. Well, besides the Baby Bjorn part. That comes later.
-The funny thing about Ashton and Mila being a part of this date was them talking about their courtship. More specifically when Ashton told her, “I knew on Day 1” referring to when he knew he wanted to be with Mila. Well, you know, except for that little 8 year marriage you had to Demi Moore after you’d already met and worked with Mila for years. Forgot that little nugget, Ash. But hey, no worries. By the way, who would’ve ever thought Whaboom would win the obstacle course? I certainly didn’t. I was hoping at some point Kenny would German suplex the guy through a table and the crowd could all chant in unison, “Ho-ly sh**! Ho-ly sh**!” But he didn’t and now I’m disappointed in Kenny. One of the more likable guys this season, but is being just a biiiiiiit too nice to Whaboom who probably needs his head rearranged at some point.
-At the after party, a lot of these guys had zero game to speak of. Like, almost embarrassing:
Whaboom: He read her a poem, that if I’m not mistaken, didn’t rhyme. I believe he tried to rhyme “smile” with “entail” but pronounced it “en-tile.” Lucas has the brain of a watermelon.
Fred: I think it’s already like the 16th time that Rachel has told us how much Fred basically creeps her out and she sees him as a 3rd grader. Seems like a nice dude, but not only is he getting thrown in the friend zone, he’s already bought a house there and is paying mortgage on it.
Jack: Of course we only see snippets of his talk with her, but what they chose to show us, Jack came across as totally creepy. Like the over abundance of compliments with the sh** eating grin might’ve had Rachel’s skin crawling.
Blake: He uses his time to out Whaboom. Says Whaboom isn’t here for the right reasons, and he knows this because Blake has lived with Whaboom’s ex – all of which I explained to you on page 1. The whole triangle is just bizarre. Who even knows what side to believe. Whaboom is off his meds, Blake is infatuated with his own sexual abilities, and the ex of Lucas and Blake’s former roommate has a different story than what Blake said last night. She said she moved out. He said he evicted her.
Dean: He was the one she vibed with the most, probably because he didn’t try to read her poetry or make an ass of himself. Amazing what happens when you don’t do that. Anyway, he ends up getting the group date rose, walking her out to the car, and making out with her. I have a feeling Dean will stick around in Paradise for a while. Something tells me he’ll be a hot commodity among the women out there.
