-We are in Miami for Bryan’s hometown. Home of the Heat, the Marlins, the Dolphins, and Pitbull. Yep, that’s about it. Bryan decides to plagiarize Will Smith when he sees Rachel by telling her, “Welcome to Miami.” Hey, don’t do that. Will put a lot of effort into that song. It’s Big Willie Style my man. Don’t you dare be ripping him off on a classic tune like that. Tell Rachel you hope she enjoys Miami. Tell her Miami is for lovers. But welcoming her with a 90’s rap song is a little outdated. Even Eric’s jean shirt and jeans combo thinks you might want to update your game. Then again, you’ve been spitting cheesy ass lines all season, so I guess we shouldn’t expect much else. Now it’s stuck in my head…
Or maybe Bryan was just ripping off the Holderness family. We all remember this bunch of loons, right? And yes, they’re still doing these…
-Rachel says that Miami is a lot like Bryan. “Hot, steamy, something sexy about it, and sometimes it speaks to you in Spanish.” That’s just about the worst comparison ever made to Miami, but ok. Rachel was really reaching for that one. Did producers help out? “Ok Rachel, tell the audience how Miami is just like Bryan. Think of something suuuuuper clever. If not, we’ll just write it for you.” If Rachel would’ve at some point said that being in Miami was “too good to be true,” there’s a good chance I would’ve chewed off my own arm last night. Thank God she didn’t. Typing with one arm would’ve sucked.
-We get to meet Bryan’s dad Joe and his mom
Charo Olga. Gee, I can’t imagine why his ex had an issue with her. Seems so down to earth and level headed about her son. Who wouldn’t want to marry into that? There were two other people there, one of which we actually heard speak and got an opinion from but they didn’t bother to tell us who she was or what the hell she was doing there. Thanks. She told Rachel about the ex, but definitely stuck up for the mother saying it was the EX that had the issue and couldn’t get along with his mom, not the other way around. Sure it wasn’t. Hey, you’re not even in the family. Pipe down missie.
-Bryan has a sit down with his mom and we basically see exactly why he’s a successful 37 year old single mom. Mom is cuck-coo. Ok, maybe that’s a little harsh. But she’s certainly over protective for her son that’s almost in his 40’s. It’s ok to let go of the leash Coochie Coochie Coo. Bryan will be just fine on his own. Geez, and when he moves to Dallas once this is all said and done, what is mommy going to do then? I have a feeling she might be Facetiming with Bryan every night. Or visiting him every other weekend. The good thing about Olga is she pounds her alcohol on par with JoJo’s mother on her hometown. That was some good sh**. Down the hatch, Olga. You’re gonna need it.
-Olga gives Rachel the lowdown. “If he’s happy, I’m happy. If he’s not, I’ll kill you.” Pretty much exactly what you want to hear from a potential mother-in-law from hell. I’m surprised Rachel didn’t run out of there screaming. I’m sure Olga would’ve loved that. Would’ve given her more bonding time with Bry Bry. They can catch up on all the things he’s missed since he’s been away filming. Like her making a shrine in her room to him. Making him a quilt with his face on it. And leaving him a voice message every day on his phone that’s been shut off the whole time. Why do I get the sense that Olga made Bryan’s lunch every day and cut off the crust of his PB & J sandwiches?
-Bryan tells her at the end of the date that he’s in love with her and has all the feels. The only guy that’s said it to this point, which earns major points in the book of a woman who made it perfectly clear she doesn’t want a boyfriend out of this, she wants a husband. Hear that, Peter? Peter? You listening? Oh wait you’re too buys fulfilling your high school dream coming on the show and promoting your brand. Hey, if Petey doesn’t take the “Bachelor” gig, we really have a dilemma on our hands. So for the sake of everyone out there Pete, especially the women back home and myself personally, do us all a favor and take the gig. It’ll be lots of fun. I promise.