-Once the cocktail party begins, Becca gives a toast to breakup and heartbreak, she has so much love to give, looking for a teammate in life, etc. Pretty standard toast. Connor steals her away first but doesn’t do much with it. At least that we’re shown. Clay gets her next and, you guessed it, plays with clay. They each make figures of the other person. I’m no professional artist, but, lets just say these two aren’t giving Vincent van Gogh a run for his money anytime soon. And yes, I’m aware that van Gogh didn’t craft with clay either. Although by some of his paintings, you’d think they were drawn by a 6th grader who ate play doh. Was there anything in life when you were in middle school than smelling play doh? Just me? Ok. I’ll excuse myself now.
-John is a software engineer and says he created the app for Venmo. Pretty safe to say he’s doing well for himself. My question is about Venmo. I just started using it maybe the end of 2017. Is it just me, or does anyone else find it weird that you can view the transactions of people you know? I’m aware that you can set it to private, which I do for all my transactions. But a lot of people don’t. I just find it so odd that I’m able to go on that app and see people that I know and what they paid for. Bills, drinking, rent, lawn service, etc. I don’t know, again maybe it’s just me, but I find that awfully strange that I know things about people based on what they paid people for that I never thought I would or should know. Uhhh, thanks John?
-Christon takes Becca outside and has a little surprise for her. He wants to dunk on her. What better way to impress your future girlfriend than posterizing her Lebron-style on national TV. Basically she holds a basketball over her head, he spread eagles over her, all while grabbing the ball in the same motion and dunking. We’ve seen this numerous times in the NBA dunk contest, so it’s nothing original. However he was in a suit, so I’ll give him that. And he’s a professional dunker whose job it is to do this for a living and get paid for it, so I would expect him to make it. Good on you, Christon. Being a former Globetrotter, I’m shocked he didn’t go with that oh-so-hilarious bit of pouring a bucket of confetti over her head. Bahahahahahaahhahahahahaahahahahaha. Such a knee slapper that one is. Or the basketball under the jersey so the ref doesn’t know where the ball is. Where do they come up with such hilarious hijinx?
-Jean Blanc, he of the cologne empire, has a poem for Becca. Now, these usually go one of two ways: the Chris Siegfried way where he ends up married. Or every other way: embarrassingly crash and burn. Jean Blanc, show us what you got:
“Forever engraved is our fate today,
I’ve longed for the day of meeting you, Becca K.
So I’m hopeful that this journey ends with a wedding ring,
But before all of that, lets do the damn thing.”
Go away. Never write another poem again and throw that one in the fire. And if we’re really being technical here, it didn’t even make sense. He says he HOPES the journey ends with a wedding ring, but then says “before that,” lets do the damn thing. Based on Becca’s definition last season of “lets do the damn thing,” that meant a proposal. So Jean Blanc is all f***ed up. Inhaled too many fragrances pre-show I guess.
-They made sure to show us her time with Blake because, well, they have to give us SOME intrigue to the season. Blake tells her before this, he was in a pretty serious relationship that ended abruptly. Becca is all about Blake and can relate to everything he says because Arie. You know, that engagement that lasted 6 weeks before he called Lauren on New Year’s Day, and the second he heard her voice he knew it was over with Becca? Which is about as absurd as him believing the producers had his best interest at heart when they told him to film the break up. Anyway, Becca likes Blake and Blake likes Becca. The end.
-David in the chicken suit naturally does the chicken dance with Becca. Since we all know the chicken dance, especially at weddings, is what gets everyone going. David seems like a good guy who got talked into a horrible gimmick the first night. She seems to like his energy and that he’s able to laugh at himself. He takes off the chicken head so she can see he’s actually a real person and not some mutant. Probably a good idea. What isn’t a good idea is you continuing the chicken puns like calling Becca a “cool chick.” David, why don’t you stop talking for a while. Go take a seat over there and rest up, buddy.
-Garrett takes Becca outside to the pool to do some fishing. He’s teaching her to handle his pole and I just went there. Also gives her a fly used for fly fishing as a keepsake. She tells us Garrett reminds her of home, he’d fit in so well with her family, her family is gonna love him…and then the internet exploded on Thursday and pretty much their lives have been turned upside down. He had to delete his original Instagram, started a new one, already receiving tons of hate and bot trolls, sooooo yeah…Enjoy life for the next 2 months Garrett of not being able to address this publicly. I guess we all just play the waiting game now. Either they get out in front of this and let him address it or release a statement on his behalf, or we wait til the finale in August to hear what he has to say. But based on social media reaction, there really is no point to keep an IG account open this season unless he shuts off the comment. Every picture he posts will get spammed by trolls. Becca’s already is.
-We have two night one “drama” stories. First is Chris knows Chase’s ex from Florida. After Chase showed up on the ATFR, Chris got a text from this ex, she trashed Chase saying he’s not there for the right reasons, only likes to hang with his boys, and is just on the show to revamp his marketing business or something. Chris tells this to a couple of the guys, then confronts Chase himself. Chase says that girls is someone he dated for barely a month and maybe spent two weeks total with her. But Chase wants to get out in front of it and tells Becca, even though he never even asked Chris what this ex said. So Chase brings it to her attention, but then runs out and gets Chris to explain what his ex said about him in front of Becca. And if your head hasn’t exploded yet by this sentence, you’re a better person than me.
-The other drama revolved around Jake from Minnesota. Becca pulled him aside because she wonders why in the times that they hung out pre-show, he never had or showed any interest in her but now he does. If you want to know all the wrong things to say to a woman you’re trying to secure a rose from, take “Jake from Minnesota’s Horrible Rhetoric 101.”
1) Even though Becca tells him they’ve met on multiple occasions, Jake swears they’ve only met once at a Christmas party. Strike one.
2) Jake: “I hope you don’t hold that against me.”
Becca: “No, I don’t.” Translation: Of course I do, you moron. Strike two.
3) Jake: “I’ve had a very transformative year. I’m a new Jake.” Translation: I bought a TV and saw that you were on it so I applied. Strike three.
After she sends him off, Jake leaves us with this beauty. Jake: “Ask anyone. I’m one of the most romantic there is.” If you have to boast about how romantic you say other people can claim you are, then you aren’t in the least bit and no one buys your sh*t. Strike 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, and 10.
-Rose Ceremony time. Garrett already safe with a rose because he got the first impression rose once he let Becca hold his pole. Fishing pole. Get your mind out of the gutter, people. Becca: “Y’all look so handsome…long night…so patient…so thanks for time with you guys…if you didn’t get a rose, it’s not because you’re not amazing, I’m just following my gut. And actually, it kinda is cuz you’re not amazing. And don’t have some incredibly bizarre likes on your old Instagram accounts.”
Lincoln, Blake, Rickey, Jean Blanc, Christon, Clay, Wills, Connor, Jason, John, Ryan, Alex, Nick, Trent, Colton, David, Jordan, Leo, and Mike get roses.
“Becca, Gentleman…it’s the final rose tonight. When you’re ready. I’m still bitching I’ve done this show for 16 years with zero Emmy nominations and I feel we deserve it even though nothing we produce is hard to do and it’s standard across pretty much every reality dating format.”
Chris R. with the final rose of the night over Chase and the rest of the unnamed guys who will do their hardest to stay relevant in the social media world if they don’t make Paradise. The #1 job occupation for night 1 eliminatees? DM slider. Count on it.
That’ll do it for this week. Next week we got the tuxedo/wedding group date that Rachel & Bryan are part of, Blake’s 1-on-1, then the dodgeball group date. I think this is the episode as well where David Ravitz falls off the bunk bed, breaks his nose, suffers a concussion and actually had bleeding on the brain and had to be hospitalized. That’s why you see the ambulances in the season preview. He misses the rose ceremony, but comes back. It either happens in episode 2 or 3, but I’m pretty sure 2. Scary stuff.
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