-Chris Harrison is making his money this episode. We actually saw him more than once which, I think, is like a record or something. Anyway, he informs the women there will be 2 group dates and a 1-on-1 date. Ok thank u next. We know this. It’s basically the same pattern you’ve used while still in LA for basically forever. Go grow your scruff somewhere else. This 8 person date will be with: Katie, Heather, Hannah B., Courtney, Kirpa, Tracy, Demi, aaaaannnnndddddd…dun, dun, dun….Caelynn. Because in case you didn’t know (even though you did 3 months ago when I told you this), Caelynn and Hannah B. were once roommates at Miss USA and now they don’t like each other. Hannah B. is not thrilled she’ll be on a group date with her and, well, prepare yourself for two hours of the Hannah B/Caelynn show. Guess they didn’t have any other footage they possibly could’ve shown this so they beat this dead horse into the ground. Yay.
-So this date was at a place that is basically a bootleg Medieval Times. Same concept, except with pirates. And Colton will be trying to play the role of Jack Sparrow on this date and fail miserably. There’s nothing about Colton that screams “pirate” to me and I just wrote that sentence and realized what others are going to say and I’m just gonna shut up now. At least with Medieval Times you have the possibility of someone getting their head lopped off. What the f**k is this? Fake pirate fighting and jousting? Are you serious? So they have the women practice jousting with each other, Hannah B. (in what was shown) completely dominated and knocked every woman off the plank in .2 seconds with smashing blows, yet, the two women who get chosen for the finals? Caelynn and Tracy! This show is about as rigged as an NFL playoff game with the Saints. Sorry guys. Ouch.
-The rest of the women get to watch from the Poop Deck, which was not explained to us whatsoever and it should’ve been. 6 wenches sitting in the Poop Deck has too many connotations I feel. So from what we see of this epic battle where Tracy has to battle Caelynn to see who can rescue Colton first, they joust, they both fall off, Caelynn climbs up a ladder and gets there before Tracy. The end. Talk about two group dates that couldn’t have been more opposite this week. You’ve got some 100lb Canadian pulling a limo around her waist, while Tracy and Caelynn hit each other with pillows essentially and climb a ladder. Uh huh. Makes total sense. I’m guessing that Pirate place is thrilled they got some air time since Medieval Times is beating their ass on a continual basis and they needed anyone to see what they’re all about, but that show didn’t really endear me to eating there. I mean, the chicken leg was so good, Demi chucked it during the competition. Hey Pirate Dinner Show Massacre or whatever you’re called. I hope you really enjoyed the “Bachelor” making a mockery of your performers. Business will be booming.
-The after party is about one thing and one thing only: Caelynn vs Hannah B. But before we get to that which will dominate the remainder of the show, lets see how Colton’s hitting it off with a couple of the other women. He tells Katie he loves “how real you keep it.” I think that was Colton trying to be hip. Surprised he didn’t follow that up with “I love how you keep it 1 hundo.” These two seem to believe they have a ton in common to the point where Katie says if they listed their 5 favorite things, she’d bet they’d be similar. Hmmmm, uhhhhhh, I’m gonna guess no on that one. But, this all led to what I call the “Colton Special.” What is the Colton Special you ask? Well, you see Colton is a man of few words. And when he’s in conversation face-to-face with a woman and doesn’t have the slightest f***ing clue what to say, he just repeats exactly what they said right back to them while giving confirmation. Ready?
Katie: “I like you.”
Colton: “I like you too.”
And then they kissed. And that’s when I decided slam my head through the glass table in the living room.
-Demi was hurting for air time on this date so she decides to incorporate some bondage into her alone time with Colton offering up a blindfold, a fake hand to basically get him off with, and a whip to bend him over and pummel him with. And oh yeah, Demi couldn’t go an episode by telling everyone how if she were an older woman on this show (Tracy), she’d be intimidated by her. So per usual, if you have to boast about how great you are, you have some serious insecurities and no one buys your nonsense. But hey, keep it coming. Your IG followers are growing, you got Bachelor dudes sliding into your DM’s, you’re flying to NY to talk to MTV reality guys to ask them questions about how to deal with being on TV…it’s all working out perfectly for Demi.
-Which brings us to Hannah B & Caelynn’s tiff. Or whatever you want to call it. I know everyone’s looking for answers. But as I reiterated on Twitter last night, I’m sorry, I don’t have any for you. Neither of these two all night gave one specific of what the other one did. It was all spoken in generalities of manipulative, mean, toxic, etc. I’ve heard from people who say Caelynn is the bad guy in all this, and I’ve heard that Hannah B. is the one at fault. It’s impossible to determine which one is right or wrong, or if there even is a right or wrong. The show cast Hannah B. first, found out about the drama with Caelynn, then Caelynn was cast. They knew this would be built in drama the second they both had them on the show and that’s all they cared about. Tell me one thing that either of them said last night to make you believe one over the other? I certainly couldn’t.
-Hannah B. approached him first during there alone time and felt she just had to get that off her chest. Horrible move. Obviously she gave into producers, and it made her look terrible. Colton (clearly favoring Caelynn in this “fight” as it’s about as obvious as one can get) tells Caelynn what Hannah B. says and Caelynn gives no specifics in return as to why she feels that way about her, but just hints at what we’re gonna hear her talk about next episode on their 1-on-1, which is her sexual assault in college. This she said/she said isn’t going anywhere and no one’s ever going to have the exact picture of what went down. Unfortunately, the show will focus on that pretty much the rest of the season, and fans will clamor for answers they won’t get. Well, I mean, the Caelynn fans will claim they KNOW the answer as to why, and the Hannah fans will claim THEY know the answer why. It’s a tired storyline already which zero resolution. Enjoy the rest of the season on it.