-The cocktail party begins with Hannah giving a toast.
— The Bachelorette (@BacheloretteABC) May 13, 2019
See? That wasn’t so bad now was it? Is she going to lead 2 hour seminars in front of hundreds of people? No. Is she going to tour the country as a motivational speaker? Probably not. But can she give a minute toast to 30 guys on a reality show without fumbling all over herself and making it seem like she needs Rosetta Stone? Of course she can. She’s fine. Leave her be. She’ll have her moments this season, but the backlash bc she froze up on the ATFR has got to be let go. You’ll never see her do anything live all season except for the ATFR and that’s months away. Enjoy her in all her hot mess glory all season long and deal with it.
-If I were to give you one guess as to who steals Hannah away first after that toast, who would you have guessed? Yeah, I’m guessing 98% of you were on Luke and sure enough he was. Look, someone’s gotta take her away first. Might as well be the guy who’s crushed on her since episode 1 of Colton’s season and got to meet her first at the ATFR. “You’re the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen in my life.” Ok, maybe wanna ease up on the superlatives so soon Luke because, well, you know how many eye rolls across America happened when they heard that last night? He tells her when he saw her on episode 1 of Colton’s season he said “that could be my wife.” I just wanna know if he said it like Borat, or if he said it, you know, seriously. I’ll just imagine it was as Borat so I don’t start pouring bleach in my eyes.
-Connor J decides to throw Hannah a bachelorette party out front and, ummmm, yeah. That’s the worst bachelorette party ever. No penis straws? No balloons on her head? No “Suck for a Buck” t-shirts? I think maybe Connor just lost any chance he had to plan any of his boys bachelor parties in the future. The junk in the trunk game was something I thought we did in middle school. Whatever the case, Connor is completely worn out, so is Hannah, and that was officially the worst bachelorette party ever. Not even some stripper posing as a pizza guy could save this one. Unless he gave her whip cream shots with her hands behind her back that got left on the editing room floor, this was the fail of all failed bachelorette parties. Maybe next time.
-Cam is up next and while he doesn’t rap for her, because lets face it, three raps in three appearances might be a bit much, he does say that even if he has chemistry, he doesn’t kiss on the first date. But since they’ve already met once and this is their second, it’s on like donkey kong. So they kiss and all I can think of when I see Cam is Chris Siegfried with longer hair. It can’t escape him. Chris did poems, Cam raps. See? There’s something to this. Will Cam’s rap game ever come close to the one and only Emily O’Brien? Of course not. But does anyone’s? She spits better game than Jay-Z, Drake, and Migos combined. Yeah, I said it. Where you at? And she outlasts Cam in terms of episodes. So there. We saw in the previews Cam lives by one motto: ABC. Always Be Cam. After episode 3, that becomes “Already Been Cut.”
-Jed plays the guitar for Hannah and, amazingly enough, somehow manages to work “Roll Tide” into his lyrics. No way. I never thought anyone would possibly think of that, did you? I mean, Cam brought some Nick Saban on that ass and Jed could only do “Roll Tide.” Cam: 1, Jed: 0. Now, if ANY of these two could possibly rhyme a verse with Tua Tagovailoa, they would basically shoot to the top of the Rap Gods chart. “Hannah why don’t you and your perfect little smile come on over…I wanna catch you like a pass from Tua Tagovailoa…” Awwwww, shit. There’s a new leader in the clubhouse, yo’. And his name is Reality Steve. It’s basically me and Emily O’Brien atop the leaderboards with all y’all punk ass suckas fightin’ for second place.
-The first impression rose is delivered and this is where Demi & Katie show up to do “surveillance.” So here’s why this whole thing was pointless, stupid, and totally figured out ahead of time by production. They just showed us earlier in the episode that Katie & Demi were in Hannah’s room earlier in the day before she met the guys. Why wouldn’t Demi just tell her then that a guy named Scott has a gf back home and be on the lookout? The whole charade of sitting in a car outside, Demi pretending like she doesn’t know Scott is there until she seems him talk to Hannah basically insults my intelligence. This was strictly done to embarrass a contestant. And boy did it ever because every word out of Scott’s mouth, he basically just kept digging himself a deeper and deeper hole. I’ll applaud it for its comedic value. But let’s not pretend it wasn’t anything other than something production tried to do for night 1 to change things up. They knew, so they just brought Demi & Katie on strictly for that scene only and to be the ones to deliver the news to Hannah.
-Scotty my man, you might wanna line up your stories before you go on the show and have all your alibis set. Man what a shit show that was. The first thing when confronted was him saying, “I don’t have a girlfriend.” Which then morphed into, “Yeah, I dated this girl.” And then it was, “Yeah, she messaged me on Monday.” And then it ends with, “Yes, I was dating a girl up until Monday…” So not only does this ball sack get caught with his pants down, instead of coming clean and owning it, he DOUBLES DOWN with the ol’ “well I could also say you were just with Colton a few months ago. That’s basically the same thing.” Might seriously be the worst argument I’ve ever heard in the history of this show. I hope they put him on Paradise and he goes down there with a girlfriend at home – again. Would be comical.
-She comes in and tells the guys what just happened, says she needs some time alone, and the guys oblige. Except for Luke because of course. He goes outside to comfort her and sit her down by the fire because she was freezing her ass off. Giving her your coat might’ve done the trick, but I guess some points for sitting by the fire? It’s basically been the Luke show from the start here. First guy to pull her aside at the cocktail party, only guy to go out and see how she’s doing, etc. Like, he’s got the Bachelorette 101 Handbook and he technically isn’t doing anything wrong. But in the scope of this show, to the viewing audience and to the other guys in the house, he’s basically doing everything wrong. It just looks too eager at this point and that’ll always turn off the audience and probably your castmates. But hey, after night 1, he’s winning, because he got the first impression rose and I swear that was the longest first impression rose kiss we’ve ever seen. I had to rewind and put it to a stopwatch. :25 seconds.
-Rose ceremony time. Luke P and Cam already safe with roses. Hannah is up to give yet another speech: “Hey guys…appreciate every conversation…if you don’t receive a rose…just went with what my heart tells me…thankful that you came to meet me…and if you never at any point during this night said “Roll Tide,” you’re basically not getting one. Sorry y’alls…”
Mike, Connor S., Matthew, Connor J, Jed, Dustin, Devin, Peter, Dylan, Matteo, Jonathan, Tyler C, Tyler C, Daron, Luke S, Garrett, Grant, and Kevin all get roses.
“Hannah, gentleman, it’s the final rose tonight. When you’re ready. You can’t give it to the Box King. He’s like Grocery Joe 2.0 but not nearly the fanbase. We need him for Paradise though so boot his ass.”
John Paul Jones. JPJ. John PJ. J Paul J. JP Jones. I refuse to call him John Paul Jones like he wants me to because that’s just dumb.
Next week we’ve got two group dates, and Tyler G. has the first 1-on-1 of the season as he gets a helicopter date to…somewhere. Jed gets the group date rose on the pageant group date, as spoiled by Mike Fleiss two months ago when he posted a pic from the next rose ceremony and Jed and Tyler are in the pic with roses on. Duh. Thanks Mikey! Not sure who gets it on the roller derby date as of now.
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