-The group date was cringeworthy. It’s not like we haven’t seen at least one group date every season where the contestants, whether it be guys or girls, get embarrassed either by stuff they have to wear or the activity they have to do. I mean, the examples are endless: the girls wrestling on Arie’s season, the spelling bee on Rachel’s season, the male beauty pageant on Des’ season, the getting-dressed-up-as-animals on Juan Pablo’s season, etc. This one was no different as obviously none of these guys are song writers and none can sing. But that wasn’t the scariest part of the date. No, that would be when Plastic Man came riding up on his horse to introduce himself to the guys. Whoa. Really? I mean, we recently saw Wayne on DWTS and his body from the waist down was about as flexible as steel piping. I just don’t know how that guy lives in Las Vegas and everything above his neck hasn’t melted off during the summer. He’s had so many face lifts you’d think his ears would touch by now.
-I’ll admit, I’ve never been to a Wayne Newton show because I’m under 104 years old, but not only does his face look like Geppetto should be pulling the strings on him, but I’m sorry, his voice kinda sucks too. When he was singing Danke Schoen to the guys giving them an idea of what they’d have to do for the date, uhhhhhh, I wasn’t impressed. And then that incredibly awkward moment where he sang it about a millimeter from his wife’s nose and she had no idea what to do…yeah, the whole thing was a complete trainwreck. How the 9 guys sitting there didn’t bust up laughing at a wooden Wayne Newton singing a 50 year old song to his wife all while smelling what she had for lunch is beyond me. For a second I thought maybe Wayne and his wife needed to get a room, but then the thought of those two in the throes of passion gives me the heebie jeebies. No thanks. I think I’d rather cut my whole body up with a razor blade then dunk myself in a bath of acid.
-The guys performances were just as awful as you’d expect. There was only one performance that was remotely memorable and that was Chris’. Just ask him, he’ll tell you how great he was. And why shouldn’t he? I felt it was a bit unfair anyway considering his background as former boy band member Danny Wood from NKOTB. With such hits as “Step by Step,” “Hangin’ Tough,” “The Right Stuff,” and “Please Don’t Go Girl” under his belt, this was cake for him. I mean, who can compete with this?
If there was ever a song and/or video that personified late 80’s teen music, that was it. There are like 984 things in that video that should make you laugh hysterically. From Donnie wearing his “Home Boy” shirt and now knowing he’s Jenny McCarthy’s husband, to them all doing the running man in sequence, the crowd shots of every girl in jeans overalls and feathered bangs – that video should be sent to the Smithsonian and be honored some day. And if you don’t think for a second that during my senior year of college when I was an Orientation leader for the incoming freshman and we had to put on a lip sync performance on the final night of their stay, did an 80’s theme, and that wasn’t our ending song that had the crowd going crazy, then you don’t know me too well. I was Donnie, dressed the part, we had the choreography down and everything. So take that.
-Where were we? Oh yeah, the concert they had to put on. It was awful as you’d expect. We got very short clips of the guys, which was probably a good thing since none of them were remotely talented in this field. Chris/Danny, I guess, was considered the show stealer because he got everyone excited and pumped up for his performance to the point where even some of the other guys acknowledged he did the best job. That’s like winning the “Best Looking Pig” contest. Are you really a winner? According to Chris, he totally was. Just ask him. He’ll tell you how bomb ass his performance was. I’m sure when he went on Paradise, he told all the ladies how great he was singing “Danke Schoen.” Or was it “Muy Bonita” because essentially he repeated that 56 times during the song and there wasn’t a whole hell of lot else.
-Because Chris thought so highly of his performance, he figured he’d just kick back during the after party and wait for Becca to come to him and shower him with all the praises in the world. Maybe dump rose petals on him, feed him some grapes, and basically just worship the ground he walked on. What happened was the complete opposite. Every guy got their turn to talk privately with Becca, while Chris laid back and waited. Before he knew it, Becca returned, hadn’t met with Chris yet, but yet gave her rose to Blake which sent Chris into a tizzy. Dude was fired up het got no time with her, as if his rendition of “Danke Schoen” was Grammy worthy and she should’ve met with him just to get his tips on horrible music writing. Chris starts saying he might leave now because he doesn’t think Becca wants him if she didn’t make time for him. Hey, you’re on to something pal.
-Now I will say this on Chris’ behalf. I’m sure the way that after party was structured, he was being told off camera by a producer “Hey man, just wait. Becca will come get you, don’t go get her” all the while they knew exactly what they were doing. And I’m sure if/when Chris ever does an interview talking about this particular date, if he’s being honest, he will 1000% say that’s how it all went down, so for that yeah, I’m sure he was pissed he didn’t get any time with her. But we as viewers don’t see that. We only see what they show us. Just knowing the way this show works and how producers function, it’s a private after party and we assume she’d get around to taking time to talk to every guy, it kinda doesn’t make a whole lot of sense she never talked to Chris. What for? They on a time limit? They had the whole T-Mobile Arena to themselves for a night. So I’m sure he was told to stay away from her and he’d eventually get his time, then they pulled the rug out from under him and had her give her rose to Blake before ever seeing him. Maybe we’ll find out some time down the road.
