-We are in Khao Lak, Thailand and the women are very excited. Per usual, they are sitting around in U-formation having a girl chat spurred on by a producer, when there’s a knock at the door. Someone said, “Whoa, didn’t expect that.” Ummmm, that’s essentially what happens EVERY episode in every season at the beginning so they can give out the first date card. And the second. And the third. It’s almost like this show, even having been on for 17 years now and 37 seasons, insults our intelligence by trying to pretend every season that things happen organically, and we’re supposed to be surprised that the women are surprised if there’s a knock at the door. You know what I’m surprised at? The band-aid on Kirpa’s chin all episode that we got zero explanation for. Help us out a little bit. I’m sure it was nothing major or else it would’ve been mentioned, but inquiring minds want to know. Zit? Punched? Fell and ate sh*t? C’mon, give us something. UPDATE: And here it is. She slipped and fell on some rocks.
-The fact that they were showing us Elyse in deep thought contemplating her relationship with Colton not two episodes removed from her 1-on-1 and on the day of someone else’s date, even a blind man could see what was forthcoming this episode. That was completely out of left field. Episode 3, Elyse has her 1-on-1, she has a great time, her connection with Colton is the greatest, social media loves her, they want her as the “Bachelorette,” blah blah blah. One week later, they go to Singapore, Elyse gets zero screen time, no one’s talking about her anymore, and any momentum from episode 3 falls to the wayside. That’s the way it works on this show. You know who the most popular contestants are season in and season out? The ones who just had a 1-on-1 that went well. That’s who people talk about. And by the next week, they’re forgotten, and new favorites emerge. It’s without fail every season. No different for Elyse.
-Heather and Colton go to the floating city in Phang Nga. Now, we know Heather has never kissed a guy because she’s let it be known 1,000 times already. Colton’s virginity thinks Heather’s kissing virginity is getting already. But because Colton is trying so hard to look out for Heather and doesn’t want to make her uncomfortable, while he’s blowing kissed on the boat, he asks her, “Do you blow kisses?” To the woman who hasn’t kissed a guy, he literally just asked her if she blows kisses, as if that’s like against some religious or personal beliefs. What a doofus. I feel embarrassed for the guy sometime. I know he’s not experienced in the woman category, and not just in the sex department, but in the relationship department as well. One serious relationship, Aly Raisman, and that lasted 6 months. Do. You. Blow. Kisses. This guy kills me.
-Colton and Heather talk about nothing. Literally, nothing. Arie and Lauren’s date in Italy think this date has zero substance. One thing these two do vibe on? The fact that they are both very perceptive in pointing out things when they are walking on their date. “The rocks…the water…the fire…the beach…so beautiful.” Yes, that’s what this date consisted. Absolutely talked about nothing, and for this show, that’s saying something. They just pointed things out that they saw like the were on the f**king Jungle Cruise or something and then commented on it. So much second hand embarrassment watching these two together. Ready for more embarrassment? Heather tells him she was in an 8 month relationship and they never kissed. Now, there are two things at work here. 1) I think that was probably exaggerated 2) An 8 month relationship with no kissing isn’t a relationship. Yes, I know she went to the same strict Christian college as Cassie, but there’s nothing against kissing at Biola. So maybe she was with a guy that she went to dinners with and hung out with more than any other male, but how serious can a “relationship” be in 8 months if there’s no kissing?
-At dinner, Colton says something very profound. And by profound, I mean utterly ridiculous. “Any expectation I had of the day, you blew it out of the water.” Really? Yes, I’m aware there was plenty of the date we don’t see, but nothing in that screamed you had any sort of in depth conversation about anything remotely interesting. Just totally bizarre all around, yet Colton was blown away. Guess it doesn’t take much to impress this guy. After dinner, they go for a walk on the beach and Colton and Heather kiss while the fireworks go off. And it was as uninteresting and underwhelming as you’d expect a virgin and virgin kisser’s first kiss to be. I guess that’s why they had to add the fireworks in the background to make it seem way better than it was. It wasn’t. It gets better, Heather. Sorry that was your first experience. We’re all pulling for you.
-Heather definitely got jobbed on her date in terms of air time. For a 1-on-1 date, they didn’t get a lot of screen time, and that’s because producers thought Elyse’s exit was more important so they showed plenty of that in the first 30 minutes. Does anyone know why Elyse got fully dressed up to tell a guy she didn’t want to be with him anymore? Anybody? Any guesses? That was weird. And then how she just left in the middle of everything and never said anything to anyone. You know one of the best parts of this interaction? She goes to Colton’s door, he’s there by himself and she says, “Can I steal you for a minute?” Steal him from who? Has production programmed these women like robots that they’re asking this now when they don’t even need to? It was both comical and sad at the same time.
-If anyone can actually explain what that whole conversation between Elyse and Colton was all about, I’m all ears. I know she said “something seems off between us.” And I know she said, “I can’t accept a proposal after two months of you sharing your time with other people.” I see what she’s saying, and in a way it makes perfect sense because, yeah, that’s what we all make fun of when it comes to this show. But this whole scene, and Elyse being in her head like this, in TV time, happened in two episodes. In real time, it was about 7 days. Something’s missing here. Not to mention, Elyse went over with the intention of eliminating herself and telling him all this, then spent the whole time after in her ITM’s calling herself stupid for doing it. Usually someone who gets the first 1-on-1 of the season, like 5 episodes later, gets antsy because they see the lead go on numerous other dates and they think the lead has forgotten about theirs. We’ve gotten that a ton. It’s the curse of the first date. But for Elyse to start freaking out so quickly, just seems odd. Oh well. Bye Elyse. Excellent job on not wiping off the fake lashes when rubbing your tears away. Bravo.
